Title: Perfectly Natural

Author: Andrea

Rating: R

Category: MSR, Mulder POV.

Disclaimer: I wish...then there'd be no 9th season.

Archiving: I'd be honored, but I'd also like to know.

Notes: Thanks to Dan and Aly for beta reading. 

Spoilers: If you've watched up to season seven, you're safe.

Feedback: Please! ardywyn@hotmail.com

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It was late on a Thursday evening. Skinner had called a department
meeting for the following morning and Scully and I were trying to get
through all of the material he'd assigned.  We'd known about the
meeting for a month, but we'd put off wading through the reports,
thinking we'd have enough time this week. Then, Monday morning,
Skinner had handed us a case -- in Des Moines. We'd arrived back home
late on Wednesday, leaving us only one day to prepare.

Earlier in the evening, at about 7 o'clock, Scully had asked if it was
okay if we went to her place. She'd explained that she needed real
food after being on the road for three days. I hadn't understood what
was unreal about take out, but I liked Scully's cooking, so I hadn't
argued.

After finishing the stir-fried chicken she'd made, we'd retired to the
living room to continue plowing through reports.

"We're never going to make it through all of these," I sighed, looking
at the unread stack on the coffee table.

Scully looked at me and raked her bottom lip with her teeth. She had
an idea.

"Why don't we each take half, highlight the important parts and then
trade. That should save us some time."

"Sounds like a plan," I grinned. "Do you have two highlighters?"

"I'm pretty sure I do," she smiled as she stood up to walk over to her
desk. "Here's one," she pulled a blue one out of the drawer. "I know I
have a yellow one somewhere too. I was just using it the other day,"
she furrowed her brow in thought.  "Maybe it's in the kitchen," she
headed off in that direction.

"Were you reading in bed?" I called after her.

"Maybe," she answered back. "Could you check on my night table,
please?"

Scully's bedroom smelled like springtime. Well, it actually smelled
like clean laundry and her perfume. I couldn't help wondering what it
might be like to lay in between her fresh - smelling sheets with her
perfumed skin pressed up against me. I put that thought out of my
head. It wasn't the time or place, but I stored it away for later use.
I was supposed to be looking for a highlighter so I pulled open the
drawer of the nightstand. I didn't see a highlighter. I did see a nail
file, some clear nail polish, and a small bottle of -- I picked it up
to have a closer look -- lubricant. There was a half-empty bottle of
lubricant in Scully's nightstand! My heart started to beat more
quickly as I began to envision scenarios where she might use it.

Knowing that I'd be dead if she caught me, I put it back quickly, but
before I could close the drawer something else caught my eye. It was a
small black vinyl case, about an inch and a half square and half an
inch deep. Opening it up I discovered a thumb sized and shaped device.
On the underside were two adjustable pieces of plastic that allowed it
to be slid onto varying sizes of finger. Also in the case were three
separate inch long sleeves that fit over the end of it -- all with
different raised patterns on them. Inspecting it more closely, I found
a small switch on the side. When I flicked it on it began to buzz on
my finger.

"Fuck," I whispered as I turned it off. I didn't doubt for an instant
that it would be very bad for my health to be caught playing with
Scully's vibrator.

I tried to quickly stuff everything back into the little case, but the
messages my brain was sending to my fingers weren't getting through. I
cursed in frustration when the three little sleeves fell onto the
floor. My lack of co-ordination was most likely due to the fact that
the majority my blood had been rerouted.

I'd picked up the sleeves again and was trying to arrange them in the
case as neatly as I'd found them when I heard the sound I'd been
dreading.

"Mulder, what are you doing?"

I froze -- the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. I'd been
caught red-handed. There was no talking my way out of this. Some of
the blood feeding my monster hard-on must have been redirected to my
face, because I felt it begin to burn. My erection, however, didn't
diminish in the least.

"Sorry," I muttered, still standing with the various accessories of
her vibrator in my hand.

"That isn't a highlighter, Mulder," she walked around the bed and took
it away from me. I watched in fascinated silence as she quickly put
everything back in the case. Trust Scully to have such a neat and
efficient vibrator. "I said on my night table, Mulder, not in it." She
put it back in the drawer.

"Sorry," I mumbled again.

"Here it is," she walked around the bed to pick up the neon yellow pen
from the other nightstand. "Aren't you coming?" She looked back at me
when she'd reached the door.

That was it? No lecture? No being scolded for snooping? Did she think
I didn't know what it was?

"Uh -- I think I should probably go," I looked at my feet.

"Why? We still have a lot of work to do," I could hear the confusion
in her voice.

"Something came up," I lifted my eyes to tell her dryly.

"What?" she put her hands on her hips. "What could have possibly come
..." she stopped and her eyes widened. "Mulder, are you leaving
because you have an erection?"

"Scully!" I protested. I didn't want to be having this conversation
with her.

"Mulder, if you'd run away every time you got an erection, we'd still
be in Bellefleur on our first case," she grinned at her own joke. "Why
is this one different?"

"I dunno," I lowered my eyes again.

"Is it because I caught you playing with my vibrator?"

"I wasn't playing with it. I didn't even realize what it was at
first," I confessed.

"Oh," I heard sudden recognition in her voice, making me look up. "I'm
sorry, Mulder, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Would you
like me to give you a few minutes?"

"What?" I couldn't figure out the abrupt change.

"It's okay, Mulder, I understand. Just take a few minutes and then we
can get back to work," she smiled knowingly at me as she turned to
leave.

"Wait!" I stopped her. "What do you understand?"

"That you got an erection because you were thinking about me using the
vibrator," she kept all judgment out of her voice.

"I -- uh -- I," I stammered.

"I'm right, aren't I?" she continued.

"Well --" I was having trouble putting a sentence together.

"Don't be embarrassed, Mulder," she smiled sympathetically at me,
"It's a perfectly natural reaction."

"It is?" my voice cracked.

"Of course," she was still smiling. "When two people work as closely
as you and I do, it's natural to develop an attraction -- to have
fantasies about the other person."

I couldn't speak. My heart was in my mouth. It sounded like Scully was
saying that she fantasized about me.

"However, the problem arises," she went on, "when the intimacy that
develops between two such people is perceived as something deeper.
That's a mistake I know I made when I was younger," she chuckled
ruefully. "And one I think you made, too. I don't think either one of
us would care for a repeat performance."

"Right," I nodded, still in shock. I assumed she was talking about
Jack Willis and Diana. "I guess not."

"I really wouldn't want to ruin what we have together, Mulder," her
smile became sad.

"Me either," I told her honestly and emphatically.

"I'll wait for you in the living room," her smile was bright again.

"Okay," I nodded. "And I am really sorry about the vibrator thing," I
called after her.

"That's all right," I heard her chuckle.

It was after midnight when I finally left Scully's place. We hadn't
finished everything, but we'd managed enough to be able to fake it.

I'd planned to go right to sleep as soon as I got home, but every time
I closed my eyes, images of Scully and her little vibrator filled my
mind. It was after two when I finally fell asleep.

Skinner's meetings always started at 8 o'clock sharp. I stumbled in
the door five minutes late.

"Sorry," I muttered as I took the last available seat.

Scully was sitting directly across from me and gave me a little wink
as I settled myself into my chair. I suppressed a groan. She was sadly
mistaken if she thought everything was copacetic between us. Our
little talk the previous night hadn't helped me at all. In fact, I'd
ended up jerking off like a sixteen year old. I was afraid my hand was
going to end up blistered and my balls were still aching. Knowing that
it was perfectly natural wasn't making me feel any better at all.

Aside from answering the few questions that Skinner asked me, I spent
the meeting watching Scully. Apparently she has trouble keeping her
tongue in her mouth. My cock throbbed every time she licked her lips.
When she wasn't teasing me with her tongue, she was absently playing
with her hair. All I could think about was my fingers clutching
handfuls of it.

When the meeting ended we made our way wordlessly down to the
basement. Scully went into the office ahead of me. I meant to shut the
door to give us some privacy, but I ended up closing it more loudly
than I'd intended. Scully spun around in surprise.

"We have to talk," I didn't apologize for slamming the door.

"About what?" she blinked rapidly as I closed the distance between us.

"Your theory," I made quotes with my fingers.

"What theory?" her expression became puzzled.

"From last night," I refreshed her memory.

"Oh -- what about it?" her posture became defensive.

"I think you're wrong," I told her flatly.

"Mulder," she began in an almost condescending tone, "It's the same as
a doctor-patient relationship. You are mistaking our closeness for
romantic feelings."

"I might have agreed with you if we hadn't been friends first," I
countered.

"That only strengthens my point. Our friendship blurs the line even
further," she jutted her chin up at me.

I'd backed her up against the wall of the office and my face was only
inches from hers.

"That is bullshit, Scully. I thought friendship that developed into
love had the best success rate," my breath was billowing her hair.

"But it's not love, Mulder," she shook her head vigorously. "It's
physical attraction based on our constant close proximity. To top it
off, look at everything we've been through. Surviving all of that has
created a stronger bond between us."

"What the hell is love if not friends who are physically attracted to
each other?" I challenged. "And as for what we've been through
strengthening our bond, do you mean like a normal couple would in any
long-term relationship? Granted we've been through more than most
people, Scully, but almost everyone has some degree of trauma to deal
with. I do agree with you about it making our relationship stronger,
though." My hands were on the wall on either side of her head.

"True love is more than physical attraction and surviving trauma,
Mulder," she rolled her eyes at me. "You need trust, devotion,
compatibility..."

"You don't think we have those things?" I felt my eyes widen in
surprise.

"Well, I --" she sputtered. "I don't think we're all that compatible."

"I guess not if, by compatibility, you mean agreeing with every word
the other person utters. I call that boring. I think we're compatible
because of our give and take -- the way we can see each other's point
of view."

"Okay, try this, Mulder," she sighed. "Tell me what makes you think
you love me."

"I don't even know where to start, Scully," I shook my head slowly. I
watched as an 'I told you so' expression began to form on her face.
"That doesn't mean I can't put it into words," I defended myself.

"Go ahead," she smiled smugly.

"I will." We were still only inches apart. "Well, there are the
obvious things, that will probably sound shallow, but Scully, you are
stunning and you have the most incredible body." My breathing grew
slightly labored as I mentally undressed her. I knew what Scully
looked like naked and calling that image to mind always gave me an
erection. The fact that Scully was standing right in front of me never
stopped me.

"Thank you," she murmured. Her already flushed cheeks became a deeper
shade of red.

"But that is just the physical aspect of my attraction. I know what
you're like here," I touched her blouse just above her breast. "And
here," I touched her forehead. "You are honest and caring, smart and
funny, generous and strong-minded."

"I think anyone who knows me would include those things in a
description of my personality, Mulder," she argued.

"Would most people say they love how opinionated you are or that they
love your sense of irony? Would most people say that they love it when
you fall asleep and drool on them? How many people think about you
constantly? How many people would call you, knowing you're not home,
just to listen to your voice on the answering machine? How many people
would stand here with a hard-on the size of the Washington Monument
and profess their love to you?"

Scully just stared at me; her mouth slightly open.

"How many dream about tasting you -- try to imagine how your breasts
would feel and wonder if your nipples would harden at their touch? How
many would love to lift up your skirt right here and now and bury
themselves inside of you? But more importantly, Scully, who hopes with
all of their heart that you are able to return even a fraction of
those sentiments? Who is terrified that you have convinced yourself
that we can never be together? Who has laid themselves bare before you
and is now praying that you will be open to the possibility that you
might be wrong?"

As I spoke, I watched Scully's pupils dilate. When I stopped to catch
my breath, she opened her mouth to say something, but before she could
speak I heard the office door open.

"What is going on in here, agents?" Skinner's voice was gruff. I could
hear your voice as soon as the elevator doors opened."

"Nothing's going on, sir," I'd turned around to face him.

His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized me. "Are you sure everything's
okay?" he looked past me for Scully's answer.

"Yes, sir," her voice was muted.

Skinner looked at her sharply and then turned to me. "Could you give
us a minute, Mulder?"

"Sir?" I was confused.

Skinner jerked his head toward the door.

"Oh," I muttered and left the office, closing the door behind me. I
couldn't hear what they were saying, but I could hear Skinner's
rumbling baritone and Scully's soft voice answering him.

If he'd wanted to talk to Scully in private, he could have called her
up to his office, instead of kicking me out of mine.  I was leaning
against the wall opposite the door gritting my teeth when Skinner
opened it and nodded me back in.

"I actually came down here to talk to you, Mulder," he put his hands
on his hips.

"Yes, sir?" I was totally confused. If he'd wanted to talk to me, why
had he sent me into the hall?

"What the hell was up with you at the meeting this morning?"

"What do you mean?" I was at a loss. This was one of the first
meetings I'd actually prepared for. "Didn't I answer everything you
asked me?"

"When I finally got your attention," he snorted. "A couple of times I
had to say your name three times before you noticed."

When I turned to Scully, she nodded in confirmation. "Sorry," I
muttered, probably unconvincingly.

"And I keep my office at a constant 72 degrees, Mulder, but you were
sweating," he raised his eyebrows at me. "Are you sure you're all
right?"

"I didn't sleep well last night, sir," I told him the truth, although
it had no connection to why I was sweating.

"Mulder," he shook his head with a sigh. "You need to take better care
of yourself."

"Yes, sir," I nodded. I heard the same thing from Scully. Now I had
Skinner reading me the health riot act.

"Why don't you get some rest this weekend, Mulder. You don't have a
case to work on do you?" he looked at Scully.

She shook her head. I found it disquieting that Skinner was concerned
about me.

"We haven't finished the paperwork on the Des Moines case," I
mentioned offhandedly.

"That can wait until Monday. Get some rest, Mulder." It didn't sound
like I had a say in the matter.

"I will, sir," I forced a smile.

"I'll let you two get back to whatever it was you were discussing," he
looked at each of us in turn. "I'll never understand your partnership.
It's a good thing you're down in the basement. You'd be rattling the
windows upstairs," he chuckled.

"What did he want to talk to you about?" I turned to Scully once
Skinner had left.

"He was concerned about my well-being," she quirked an eyebrow at me.

"What?" I was taken aback.

"Think about what he saw, Mulder. You had me backed up against the
wall. Your face was only inches away from mine. Your hands were on
either side of my head and your voice was raised," she lowered her
eyes as she spoke.

"Scully," I lifted her chin. "I wasn't scaring you, was I?"

"Not in the way you mean, Mulder, but I was definitely overwhelmed,"
her eyes were wide.

"Does that mean you believe me now?" I asked her hopefully.

"I believe that you think you love me, Mulder," she reached up to cup
my cheek.

"You still don't believe my feelings are genuine?" I felt like I was
banging my head against a brick wall.

"I think it's closer to infatuation," she apologized with her eyes.

"I've been infatuated with you for five years? I didn't think
infatuations lasted that long." I was still hoping to change her mind,
but I could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't backing down.
So I opted for a different tack. "I've told you how I feel, Scully,
but what about you? Are you in unreal love with me?"

Her mouth spread into a smile and she chuckled. "Yes, Mulder, I'm
experiencing the same things you are, but I recognize those feelings
for what they really are."

"Okay," I nodded slowly. "So these feelings aren't really love.  That
is what you're saying, isn't it?"

"Yes, Mulder," she sighed in relief, happy that I finally understood
what she'd been trying to say.

"So..." I backed away from her and walked around my desk. Is it
completely impossible for co-workers to fall in love?" I asked as I
sat down.

"Of course not," she rolled her eyes. "There are always exceptions."

"Okay, so how do you spot the exceptions, Scully? What would make them
stand out?" I looked up at her innocently.

"Well," she was blinking rapidly. "Um..." she was looking at
everything in the room except me.

I sat with my hands folded in my lap, leaning back slightly in my
chair, waiting patiently for her answer.

"I guess it would be very difficult to tell the two apart," she
admitted quietly.

"So are you willing to admit that you could be wrong, that what we are
both experiencing is actually love," I tried not to sound smug.

"But what if it isn't, Mulder?" her voice was small.

"No relationship comes with a guarantee, Scully, but look at the
ammunition we're going in with. We're best friends, we already know
all of each other's annoying habits, we trust each other without
question. I think the problem is that you don't trust your own
feelings, Scully," I straightened up in my chair.

"I have good reasons, Mulder. Look at what happened to me in the
past," she sat down heavily in her chair.

"Come here, Scully," I patted my lap.

"I'm not going to sit on your knee, Mulder," she frowned at me in
consternation.

"My intentions are completely honorable," I assured her. "I just want
to talk."

"We can talk perfectly well like this," she informed me curtly.

"Indulge me, Scully," I pleaded with my eyes.

"What if Skinner comes back," she looked over her shoulder at the
door.

"He just made his semi-annual visit, Scully. I think we're safe for
another six months," I grinned. "And if he does come back we'll be
able to prove that we've kissed and made up."

"Fine," she huffed as she stood up. "Why do I let you talk me into
these things?"

"Because you love me?" I couldn't resist.

She narrowed her eyes to glare at me as she walked around the desk,
but she did sit down gingerly on my lap.

"So what did you need to talk about that necessitated this?" she
indicated our seating arrangement with her eyes.

"I wanted to ask you something, and I wanted to make sure you were
being completely honest with yourself," I explained.

"And how is this going to tell you that?" she looked at me in
disbelief.

"Because I keep my lie detector in my pants," I grinned.

"I'm sorry I asked," she tried not to smile. "What did you want to ask
me?"

"I assume that the other relationship you're talking about is Jack
Willis," I began.

"Well, yes, but he wasn't the only one," she confessed.

"He wasn't?" I was shocked.

"It's a long boring story, Mulder, but that is the reason I'm so gun
shy," she pressed her lips into a thin line when she finished
speaking.

"I see," my mind was racing. If she'd had more than one failed
relationship of this nature, it was no wonder I was having a hard time
convincing her. "There were a few points I wanted to make and then if
you are still uncomfortable with the idea of a relationship with me, I
will never bring it up again, okay?"

"Okay," she nodded, her eyes wide.

"Did you feel exactly the same about them as you do about me?" I
began.

"Not exactly," she shook her head.

"What's different?"

"Well, we were friends before I fell in love with you and I definitely
trust you more," she explained, leaning a little closer to me.

"Did you have feelings for them as long as you've had for me?" I
continued my gentle prodding.

"No," she shook her head again. "Those relationships didn't last very
long. I've had feelings for you for much longer."

I was sure I saw realization in her eyes when I smiled at her
response.

"And, hypothetically speaking, Scully, say we did start something and
it didn't work out, would that necessarily ruin what we have?  We're
mature people. Don't you think we could handle it?" I was crossing
into tricky territory.

"It would change things between us, Mulder. I have no doubt about
that."

"Scully, as you already pointed out, you and I have survived more
changes than I care to count. And most of them were, I think, more
significant than a failed love affair," I reasoned.

"That's true," she settled against me a little more.

"I only have one more question for you, Scully," I put my hand on her
knee.

"Okay," she took a deep breath.

Her body had completely relaxed and I knew that if she wasn't open to
what I had to say now, she never would be.

"Are you willing to give up a chance at, what I hope, is a very
long-term relationship, with someone who is positive that he is in
love with you, because you're not willing to believe your own heart?"

"You're right, I could be really be in love with you," she admitted
slowly. "I just don't want to make the same mistake again. I was so
sure the other times, Mulder."

"The way I see it, Scully, you have two choices. Play it safe and
never know or take the risk and find out for sure," I rubbed her knee
gently.

"I know," she nodded and bit her lip.

I knew there was nothing more I could say. The decision was hers to
make. All I could do was leave her alone and let her make it.

"Well," I stood both of us up. "Will you let me know when you've made
up your mind?"

"I will," she had two large tears standing in her eyes.

I wanted nothing more than to sweep her into my arms and kiss away all
of her fears, but I didn't want to put any pressure on her.

"Will I see you on Monday?" I didn't know what else to say.

She smiled and nodded, making the tears roll down her cheeks.

"Where are you going?" she sniffed.

"Home, I guess," I shrugged. "I won't be able to accomplish anything
here."

"Right," she nodded again.

I opened the door slowly, hoping she would call me back, but she
didn't. Standing at the bottom of the stairs, I heaved a sigh.  They
looked endless. I was beginning to think that I might have been
happier not knowing how Scully felt. I started climbing, taking each
step slowly. It felt like a huge weight was pushing down on me, making
it impossible for me to move any faster.

"Wait, Mulder!"

My heart leapt when I heard Scully's voice behind me. After taking a
deep breath, I turned around to face her. She looked so small at the
bottom of the stairs. Despite the distance between us, I could see
more tear stains on her face.

"I've made up my mind," her voice was quivering.

"And?" I had to put my hand against the wall to hold myself up.

"I want to find out for sure."

end

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