TITLE: That's Not My Flashlight... AUTHOR: jeri E-MAIL: ggal1116@yahoo.com OR agentjeri@thexfiles.com WEBSITE: http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/index/html RATING: PG-13 CATEGORY: XRH, M-POV KEYWORDS: MSR, post-ep SPOILERS: Requiem ARCHIVE: Yes to Legacy, Gossamer, and those who ask. STARTED: September 25, 2000 FINISHED: September 27, 2000 SUMMARY: The X-Fools series finale! **DISCLAIMER: No me own-o. No you sue-o. That goes for everything I've stolen in this, not just the X-Files stuff. This one's for you, Brie ;) ^*^*^ ::Previously, on the X-Files:: :: So in three days, we'll get to go home. Yes, even me. Luke has assured me that I will be able to get home in time for my son Thomas William's birth, and I will be allowed to live out my days on Earth as a father. I'm so happy. Of course, I'll be even happier when I'm home and a certain G-woman is in my arms again.:: ^*^*^ Luvrgal4Me: you're what SenorSpooky: you heard me i'm coming home they're dropped of the oregonians last night and tonight it's my turn Luvrgal4Me: where are they bringing you to dc or to someplace more remote SenorSpooky: i haven't the faintest idea all i know is this it won't be oregon Luvrgal4Me: well how will you get home can you rent a car or something because i really don't think i should be flying right now SenorSpooky: i agree as soon as i'm back on terra firma and i know where i am i'll let you know my plans Luvrgal4Me: all right just call me as soon as you can i miss you so much mulder god it's funny tommy's been really active tonight almost like he knew that you were on your way SenorSpooky: aw scully LskywalkJK: mulder get back here now SenorSpooky: um ok SenorSpooky: scully i have to go now i'll call you just as soon as i can Before she can reply I close our connection. What I didn't tell her is that I have a 'task' to accomplish before getting off this space taxi for good. I anxiously head back to the conference room, where Luke/Eddie/BF is waiting with his bosses to decide my fate. "Fox William Mulder. You do know that your notable powers have made you a valuable commodity to our people, correct?" I hesitate. "Well, I knew they *were*, but I thought my skills were no longer needed, and that was why I was being freed." The head honcho, whose human form reminds me disturbingly of Bill Clinton, speaks up. "Your skills are not needed presently, that is true. However, there's always the possibility that they may be needed in the future." Great. Happy happy joy joy. "I understand, sir." "So, Fox William Mulder, you must perform a task to prove to us that you are better suited to Earthlife. Are you ready?" I sucked in my breath. "I'm ready." PseudoClinton stood up. "Follow me." ^*^*^ I'm led to the control area of the ship; the bridge, I suppose Trekkers would call it. PseudoClinton motions for me to sit in Kirk's chair. I do, though I'm very wary right now. "Fox William Mulder" (God, I wish he'd stop calling me by my full name!) "you will have exactly one hour to learn to master the ship's controls and steer us to a place where I can get a plant for my room." I blink. "Excuse me?" PseudoClinton shrugs. "I've always thought having a plant would make this old ship feel more homey. I think a shrub of some kind would do nicely." I feel a laugh bubble in my throat, but I choke it back down. "A...a shrubbery?" "Yes, bring me a shrubbery!" Oh. My. God. Me thinks PseudoClinton's a little too fond of Monty Python... "We shall leave you to your task. The clock is running, Fox William Mulder." With that, he leads his underlings out of the room. Crap, I've got less than an hour to figure out how to fly an alien spacecraft? Where's Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith when you need them?! But wait. They want me to prove that I'm better suited to Earth, right? Well, wouldn't a normal Earthling have no fucking clue how to drive one of these babies? So maybe I should just sit back and think about how Scully's gonna look when I *finally* get to see her. But what if they think I'm going to do that. What if that really fails me, and then they don't let me go? LskywalkJK: mulder i seriously suggest that you get your ass in gear it's not really that difficult and you will be set free as long as you bring them to the right spot SenorSpooky: gee thanks lukey that really helps a lot i can really narrow down my options LskywalkJK: they just want to know why you belong on earth dumbass give them one or two good reasons and a shrubbery and you'll be free He logs off then, and after a few more moments of trying to reach him, I get a really pissed off away message for my efforts. Okay, so I really do have to figure this out. Luke/Eddie/BF hasn't steered me wrong since I got here, so I'm going to trust him again. So...how do I prove that I belong on Earth? Well, if you belong somewhere, then that means you have a reason to be there. So what's my reason for existing? Well, if I think optimistically for once, it would seem as though everyone has some tangible purpose for being alive. And, optimistically still, the fact that I'm not dead yet suggests that I have not fulfilled my purpose at this point in time. So what do I have left to do? Hmm...I wonder... As soon as I figure out these controls, I'm setting a course for home. For Scully. And my son. ^*^*^ God damn it all to hell!!!! Pardon me, I'm a bit annoyed right now. We are presently cruising at 4,000 MPH in a westerly direction. Directly *away* from DC. I think I'm closing in on Honolulu. The best part is that I got a nice little reminder from PseudoClinton a few minutes ago. "Fifteen minutes, Fox William Mulder." Yes, Your Horniness, I understand. So I'm trying like hell to figure out either turn around *really* fast, or speed up. If I continue I this direction, there's no way I can make it in time. But if I turn around, I may be able to pull it off... Suddenly, I feel my brain go on AutoPilot...um, no pun intended. My hands begin to move of their own accord, and the next thing I know is that I'm turning the ship around and speeding up. Daddy's coming, Tommy. Daddy's coming. ^*^*^ It is with great exuberance that I hop out of the spaceship and begin digging up the first shrubbery I see outside Scully's window. Luckily for the aliens, it's 2:21 in the morning, and no one has seemed to notice the rather large, other-worldly craft sitting in the middle of Georgetown. "That is a very nice shrubbery, Fox William Mulder," PseudoClinton comments. "Do you have any suggestions how I should take care of it?" I pause in my digging. "Um, I'm really not the best person to ask about that, Your Hor--oliness. Do you mind if I go wake my partner so I can show you why I belong here, and then she can give you that information I'm sure." After a moment of careful pondering, he agrees. I ditch the makeshift shovel I put together from spatulas from the ship's kitchen and hurry into the apartment via the kitchen door. As I walk through the darkened apartment, I take note of all the subtle differences since I'd last been there: a crib in the corner, just waiting to be put together; a beautiful, hand-painted toy chest that I know came from Charlie; an old heirloom rocking chair that I told her to snag from the storage place where all of my mom's furniture is stashed. I have fond memories of my mother rocking Sammy in that chair. I think even my father took a turn or two with it. Back to the task at hand. I make my way to the bedroom, preparing myself for the onslaught of hormones that I know will be aimed in my direction. SenorSpooky: scully wake up Luvrgal4Me: not now mulder i'm sleepin SenorSpooky: scully i really think you should wake up now there's something you need to see I see her start to stir, so I decide to help her along by gently brushing my finger against her cheek. It's killing me to use this much restraint; I just want to dive under the covers with her and celebrate my homecoming. Luvrgal4Me: mmm mulder that feels nice I try not to laugh out loud. Even after four months, she still knows my touch! I spread my palm over the bright crown of her hair. "Scully, open your eyes," I whisper. She turns over and obediently follows my directions. Her eyes open...wide. "Mulder! Oh my god, I can't believe it! Are you...I mean, you're..." Now I do laugh. "Yes, I'm really here, and as much as I'd love to chat right now, I really need you to come with me outside while I dig up a shrubbery to give to the head alien. Oh, and you need to tell him how to take care of it." I grab her hand and drag her from the bed. I decide not to look at her belly just yet, opting to wait until I have all the time in the world to enjoy it. As I help her put on her coat, she turns to me and says, "A shrubbery, Mulder?" I nod sagely. "Yes, a shrubbery." She sighs. "We'll need a flashlight." "Uh...Scully?" THE END!!! ------ENTER FAT LADY------ ------FAT LADY SINGS------ ^*^*^ No, you cannot convince me to write another one. Don't whine, it's unbecoming. But I may give permission for someone to do an authorized sequel. Also, in the Grand Tradition of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and subsequent sequels, this series is hereby dubbed The X-Fools Trilogy. 4 out of 5 doctors say expressing your enjoyment of a fanfic to its author increases your life expectancy 23-23.8 years. The other doctor was killed by Cancerman before we could ask him. jeri, president, xpab: x-philes against bees Join by writing to: kill_em_all@thexfiles.com OR Visit the xpab site: http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/xpab.html And while you're there... Visit Jeri's Basement: http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/index.html