Title: A Body Goes Down
Author: Barenaked Bostonian
Rating: R, just because
Category: MSR/UST, post-ep!
Spoilers: Milagro, and only Milagro... actually, big Milagro spoilers.
Disclaimer: Do we have to go through this AGAIN! Okay, I'll make you
guess... do I own them? You may never know!!!
Distribution: Wherever, EVERYWHERE! But keep my name attached!
Kayers?
Notes: Just to let you know, writing this while listening to Duncan Sheik's
Humming CD, definately had an effect on the tone of the piece. You might
want to check it out. It's good times.
Dedication: To Ashley (this time), but this is actually inspired by a dream
that I had so, thank you dream.
Summary: Recovery is slow and painful. It's even more painful, for Mulder to
watch Scully suffer.

***
Safe to say nobody knew what was inside
Of course there is grace
And those halos of pain
Maybe he sang what he came here to sing...

Speed on to the next world
Speed on to the next life
Better I'm sure by far
Orphues driven
Treasures given
Heal the most broken of hearts
Speed on
~A Body Goes Down, Duncan Shiek
***

He walked in, totally unprepared for the sight with which he was to be
greeted. Throwing himself into the apartment, he steadied the gun with
both of his hands, quickly scanning every corner of the room for a
sign of an intruder. Greeted with a quick moment of relief, his heart
briefly lifted.

Then, he saw her.

She was sprawled on the ground, looking more like a rag doll than a
human being. Thousands upon thousands of thoughts flashed through his
brain, firing off at a mile a minute and settling in his stomach
replacing his relief with dread.  Comprehending in light speed that
she might quite possibly be dead, he sunk to his knees, not knowing
what to do with his arms.  The few seconds it took him to get from the
door over to her seemed like an eternity, stretched over infite
sadness and loss.

His eyes studied the blank and lost look on her face.  She wasn't
breathing. And as the tears welled up in his eyes, he swallowed hard,
willing his body into action, to try and get up, call the police,
anything.  But his body would not obey him.

Then, when greif and self loathing were about to set in, she sprang to
life, scaring him and loving him and seeing him all at once.  Her body
that was splattered in blood was quickly pressed against his as sobs
wracked from her throat and her tears trailed down her cheeks and onto
his shoulder.  And suddenly, his life was whole again, having been
broken and rebuilt in a matter of five seconds.  Five seconds which
were an infinity of questions and answers, doubts and truths. Diamonds
and crystals were perfect tears, cascading down cheeks of porcleain.

Not thinking about what to do, he brought his hand up to stroke her
hair, as she cried to his shoulder.  Whispering words of comfort into
her ear, his eyes drifted closed as he thanked whatever gods were
listening that she was returned to him. His own tears began to fall,
flow down his own cheeks, where they fell on her hair, making it dark
and damp. Gripping her tighter, he cried with her on his living room
floor, until they were both spent and worn out from such grief.

It had seemed hours since he had looked into her eyes, and he yearned
to. To see if we alright, to see if she was still the same person she
had been when he had left her just a few moments ago. He was
frightened that she would close up now, that she would not let him in,
and she couldn't afford to close off to him at a time like this.

When his wet hazel eyes met the blue of hers, he wanted to cry once
more at the anguish that he found lingering there.  No one should be
able to look so sad, so heartbroken. He moved so that he was sitting
with his legs out in front of him and pulled her into his lap, where
she went willingly.

This was strange.  Dana Scully was finally allowing her partner to
take care of her, hold her... love her.  She had never allowed herself
to show fear, to ask for help, for she feared that it would make her
seem vulnerable, seem like she couldn't do things on her own. She
didn't want to seem weak and she most certainly did not *need* the
help of any man.  But she did now and she wasn't trying to hide it and
he... was very grateful. As comforting and soothing he must have
seemed to her, he was also comforted by her presense. Holding her in
his arms, he knew that she was alive.

Time ticked softly in the heavy air of the room.  The only other
audible sounds were that of their combined breathing. His hand was
still busy smoothing her hair and her hand still clutched at his
chest, seeking to stay connected to him. His whispering had died off a
short time ago.

Finally, after an eternity of silence, he spoke.

"Are you alright?" His eyes delved into hers, making sure that he knew
what she was saying was the truth. No 'I'm fine's' would do now.  He
wanted to know the truth so he would know how to help her.

"I'm..." She looked down at her crumpled clothes and the blood that
covered them. "I'm tired Mulder." She stated truthfully, blowing out a
semi-frustrated sign through her lips.  "Alright, you need to rest
while I call the police."

"No police Mulder, please!" Her eyes pleaded with his and she clung to
his form, which was trying to stand up. "Scully, someone in the
building is going to report that there were gunshots here, we need to
report this.  But I promise, you won't have to talk to anyone. I'll
take care of things, you just need to get some rest." And without
asking her if she needed any assistance, he scooped her up into his
arms and brought her into his bedroom. She didn't protest, but hid her
face in the crook of his neck as he carried her.

Mulder was thinking about a million things at once again, his mind on
overdrive. He needed to see if she was truly alright, if she needed
stitches, if she was hungry, running a fever, needing anything.  He
knew he should examine the wound, if not only to be sure that she
wasn't going to bleed to death but to see if a trip to the hospital
was necessary.  But how should he ask, he couldn't very well ask his
emotionally distressed partner if she would please take off her
blouse.  Just, please, please let her be alright. Let her be alright.

He moved carefully, being sure not to make any sudden movements, any
movements that would scare her in any way. Reaching down with one arm,
he pulled back the thick comforter covering his bed.  Then, he placed
her down gently, making sure that her left side didn't have too much
pressure on it. She sighed, a tiny tiny smile playing at the corner of
her lips.

"Scully, how's your shoulder, is it..." He trailed off into
nothingness as she reached up to peel the wet fabric away from her
skin. Her eyes left his as she exposed her shoulder to him.  He leaned
down to inspect it closely, having limited vision in the soft lamp
light.  There was a tender spot that looked like the beginning of a
scar where the laceration should have been. Padgett must have somehow
saved her by destroying his novel.  Her shoulder, although very pink
and sore looking, was not bleeding.

The desperation that resided in his eyes was washed away by a look of
relief.  Eyes meeting hers, he assured her that she would be fine, and
her tiny smile grew a bit wider.  Standing up, he walked quickly over
to her dresser where he pulled out a worn grey tee shirt and brought
it over to the bed with him.

"I'll leave this here for you. I'd give you a pair of my sweatpants
but I doubt very highly that you would be able to hold them up.  We
need to clean you up Scully, do you think that you can stand a
shower?" She thought for a moment and slowly got up to test her legs,
which wobbled very dangerously and gave out, depositing her back on
the edge of the bed.  She looked absolutely defeated, as he walked
over to her and lifted her chin so that he could see into her eyes.
"I'll just draw you a bath, wait here, alright?" She nodded and he
smiled and went first into his closet and then into the bathroom where
he turned on the water.

He returned to her side a moment later, a wrapped package in his
hands. Looking sheepish, he handed it to her and sat down next to her
on the bed. She eyed him suspiciously, willing an explanation.

"Well, I uh, we were out of town for your birthday and I wasn't about
to bring this to California with us becase with my luck if would have
gotten lost or ruined or... you know.  But anyway, it's not much, but
I figured it could come in handy right now." She smiled at him and he
chuckled just a bit.

Her hands went to work on the bright red paper. Pulling it off
quickly, she revealed a rather large box, which she pryed open with
her fingernails. Inside, there was a basket, filled with all sorts of
toiletries. She smiled widely now, and pulled out a small bottle.
"Lavender." She stated appreciatively, nodding. There were all
different kinds of things in the basket, ranging from lotion to bath
bubbles to body wash to hairspray.

"I got you something else too, but that would be better left for a
more... appropriate time." He smiled when her eyebrow shot up to
forehead. "It's just not the sort of thing... just not now." His smile
was warm as he laid his hand upon hers, which were clutching a bottle
of bath bubbles.  "The bath should be ready now, why don't you head in
and I'll go call the police. Just call if you need me." She nodded and
he cautiously waited for her to make it into the bathroom.  Once the
door was shut, he phoned the police and informed them of the
situation. After Mulder had taken care of the situation, he was
informed that Padgett was indeed dead, having ripped out his own
heart. They had insisted that they see his partner, just to be sure
that she was alright.  He had become angry and asked them to leave,
that she was a doctor and she was in control of the situtation. He
wasn't sure how well she would handle someone else talking to her this
soon. So they left, asking him to please call them tomorrow so that
she could give them her statement. Without a word, he slammed the
door. He shut his apartment door to the world.  Everyone and
everything he ever needed was already inside.

Then, walking back into his bedroom, he opened the blinds, letting the
late winter sun filter in, creating brilliant streaks on the rug.
Picking up the shirt, he walked to the bathroom, and knocked on the
door.  He opened it to see the bath curtain pulled back, and Scully
popped her head out of one side. "I'm just going to leave his here."
He placed the shirt on top of the hamper, Scully's eyes following his
every movement.  She still looked scared and uneasy and he was unsure
if he should leave her or not. "Thank you." She said timidly and
disappeared once again behind the curtain.  He left the bathroom with
his heart feeling heavy.

He was walking slowly back to his bedroom, his eyes trained on the
floor. He stepped right through the puddle of blood and realized that
he should clean it up before Scully saw it.

Sponge in hand, down on his knees, he began to scrub at the blood,
Scully's life force.  It wouldn't come out of the carpet, it just
wouldn't. He grunted and scrubbed until the tips of his fingers were
nearly bleeding.  Somewhere in the middle of his attempts, Scully
quietly padded out into the living room to find him. She had called
him and he had not answered.  Feeling someone's eyes upon him, he
turned to catch her terrified eyes staring at the blood.

And she spoke. "I want to go home." Then she turned and walked back
into the bedroom.

He didn't ask questions, but followed her to the bedroom where he
gathered up her things from the bathroom and put her soiled clothes
into a plastic bag. He retrieved a trench coat from the hall closet
and found her shoes. She tossed on the coat without any thought and
zipped up her shoes, which felt odd without any stockings on.

He took her hand in his and helped her to her feet. His shoulders were
clad in worn leather, but his heart was dressed in her sorrow. They
walked out into the hall after turning off all of the lights in the
apartment.

The drive was uneventful.  Scully's eyes were trained on the buildings
that flew by. The sun was falling in the sky, casting strange shadows
on the car, over her face.  They twisted in her hair like black demons
coming to hide all of her emotions.

"It hurts Mulder." She whispers to him, and he looks over to her,
seeing her hand clutching at the fabric above her heart. Not knowing
what to say, he reached a hand over to rest over hers in her lap. "I
know." He said, fresh tears begining to fall from his eyes.

His heart, of course, was screaming words of love at her.  Calling her
name like a prayer.  His heart hurt as well, his heart empty. If he
could have bled, he would have.  He would have bled for her right
there, let her feel his pain too. Anguish and guilt were not new to
him, they were old companions who were calling right then.

Twenty minutes later, they were parked in the back lot of her
apartment building. The engine was off, but neither one of them could
bear to leave the car.  Neither knew what was waiting over the
theshold of her apartment, whether it be grief and tears, pain...

"Do you want me to come up?" Mulder asked, as gently as anyone could
have possibly asked. Can I love you forever? Can I protect you
forever? Can I just sit and watch you breathe forever?

Her eyes just couldn't contain the tears. And although she was afraid
to break down in front of him, afraid to let him help her... she
cried.  She sobbed again. She felt violated.  How dare he try to
take... how dare he try to take something that had belonged to Mulder
for such a long time.  If Mulder wasn't allowed to see it than why did
he feel that he should?

"Come on Scully.  You need some rest." He got out of the car and
rushed to her side.  He opened the door for her and helped her out to
her feet, making sure that he had everything before he locked the
doors.

Clasping her hand in his, they walked across the lot to the back door.  
She inserted the key with shaky fingers, and he had to cover her hand
with his and help her turn the key. They walked together and fell in
step, made it up the back stairs to her apartment door.  There, he
took the keys from her and opened it himself, saving her the trouble.  
He walked inside first and flipped on the switch, illuminating the
room.

He escorted her over to the couch and sat her down, she was still
shaking. He rubbed her back a bit and then informed her that he was
going to get up and make her some tea.  Her eyes held fear, but she
let him go, knowing that he would only be a short distance away.  She
had never been so frightened in her life, and that only served to make
her even more frightened.

Soon, he brought two mugs of tea over to the couch with him.  He
handed one to Scully who accepted it with shaking hands.  He then sat
next to her on the couch and they sat in silence.

"Mu-" She cleared her throat, her voice raspy, as if she hadn't used
it in ages. "Mulder, I'm, I'm tired." She lifted her eyes from the rip
of her cup to meet his.

He was silent for a moment.  "Then let's get you to bed." He took the
cup from her hands and brought it to the kitchen, rinsing it out in
the sink.  When he was finished, he placed his palms on the cool
linoleum of her countertop and thought for a moment. Taking a deep
breath and trying to sort his thoughts, he walked back to the living
room.

"Come on Scully." He extended a hand to her.  She put her hand in his
gently, and stood up.  She looked at him for a moment, his eyes
downcast. She reached up with her other hand and lifted his chin to
look into his eyes.  That was the way the communicated the best. She
gave him a questioning look.

"I'm sorry Scully. I... I keep feeling that... I should have known, or
I should have been there." He looked back down at his feet, confusion
etched on his brow.

Although she was confused a bit herself, she reached up again and
delicately stroked his cheek. "Everything happens for a reason
Mulder." She said, and tugged on his hand, letting him lead her to the
bedroom.  She had envisioned this scenario before, him leading her to
a bedroom, but they both had significantly less clothing on. She
shoved that thought to the back of her mind, it had no business in her
conciousness tonight.

Her room was luminated by the bedside lamp he had clicked on.  Now,
the room was cast in strange shadows, clinging to the corners and
slinking behind tables and chairs. Her room had never held so much
intruige to her before, she felt a childlike urge to look under the
bed and check for monsters. Again, she pushed the thought to the back
of her mind.

She sat on the edge of the bed, tempted to bounce, for no reason at
all. The somber cloud that she was drifting in earlier, was begining
to wear, but only a bit.

He padded over to her dresser and opened a drawer.  It surprised her
that she didn't get up and offer to do it herself.  Two months ago
would she have allowed Mulder to look through her underwear drawer?
Would she have let him pick out her pajamas and help her to get in
them.  If that had happened, would she have allowed *herself* to take
it just a *bit* further? Should she even be thinking about that as
Mulder handed her a pair of forest green P.J.s? Or while sitting on
her bed clad only in a knee length tee shirt?

She noticed the pair of grey cotton panties on top of the pants, and
smiled, but just a bit.  Somewhere in the back of her mind, she had
thought that Mulder might have gone a little bit risky and picked a
pair of her black silk undergarments. But her smile grew a bit more,
as she stared at her grey bikini panties.

The whole scenario seemed a bit odd to her.  Mulder choosing her
clothes, her underwear.  Suddenly, she was overcome with a feeling of
fatigue and swooned a bit, almost falling back on the bed. Her
thoughts were coming too quickly, getting to personal, she stopped.  
Mulder had rushed over and caught her before she hit the bed,
needlessly of course.  What damage could be done from falling upon a
bed?

"Scully, you really should get into bed. Can you handle..." He trailed
off, trying to judge her strength.  He was sure that with some
assistance, she could get into her night clothes. She lowered her
hands, and tugged the gray shirt off, dropping it uncerimoniously to
the floor.  Mulder made sure to button up her top quickly, and not to
catch any glances. He then helped her shimmy into her pants and lay
down on the bed. He gently tucked her in, as a mother would do to a
child.

She sighed a bit, tucking a hand under her chin.  He sat down on the
edge of the bed and began stroking her hair. She edged closer to him,
and he began to rub her sholder and her arm.  After long minutes, he
went to get up and shut off the light.  She turned suddenly and
avoided leaning on her left shoulder but propped herself up.

"You're not leaving are you?" Her voice was more steady than it had
previously been, and her eyes were pleading with him to stay. He
turned, and looked down into her eyes.

"Not if you don't want me to Scully." Her lips turned up a bit at his
answer, and she slowly laid back down on the pillow. He leaned over
her and kissed her forehead, lingering for a moment.  Then, he
straightened, and made his way for the door.

She shot out of bed again. "Where are you going?" She asked, panicked.

"To the couch..." He said carefully. "Mulder, when I said stay, I
meant stay in here. With me. I need you close... please." Time slowed
down as Mulder walked over to her.  He perched on the side of the bed,
and moved to take off his shoes.

Once accomplished, he got back up and walked to the other side of the
bed, laying down beside her.  He was on top of the covers, and he felt
a bit out of place. She took one look at him and knew that he would
not be able to sleep in what he was wearing. So, she slid from the bed
and walked to her dresser, rifeling around in the bottom most drawer.
She pulled out a pair of gray sweatpants and tossed them at him.

He caught them and smiled. "Go change and get back here and under the
covers pronto!" She commanded, her voice light.  He turned to leave
and she snuggled back under the covers, finally feeling safe. Once he
returned, he climbed into the bed behind her, and gently wrapped and
arm around her soft stomach.

He just laid there, listening to her soft breaths for some time.  
Softly stroking her hair with his other hand, he contemplated his
life, and how meaningless it was without her in it.

Thoughtlessly, he started to stroke her stomach, feather light touches
that made her feel safe, loved, surrounded by him. She smiled, and
sighed once more, and began to close her eyes.

"I love you Mulder." She said, her voice sleepy but clear.

He smiled.

"Love me tomorrow, sleep now."

And she did.

*~*~*~*~*~*~
Finito, thanks to all who helped, gotta love ya! Throw some feedback my way! 
I'm awfully lonely! BNLXPhile12@aol.com