Title: Awaiting Completeness

Author: Jeana-Marie Chapin (JCluvsyalots@aol.com)

Spoilers: Another Post-Oneson story from me. I can't help it. I love writing
about it. Plus small spoilers from several episodes. I don't give to much
away. Sorry I don't feel like picking through my story for spoilers.

Summary: Scully comes to a revalation and Mulder has to change her mind
before it's too late. Get out your tissues.

Catagory: MSR, Angst-O-Rama

Rating: PG-13 Some bad language, not too much. But some hinting at sexual
situations.

Disclaimer: OH! The irony of it all! What ever shall I do?!?! I woke up this
morning and Mulder and Scully were no longer mine. Chris Carter stole him
from right under my very nose. Just kidding! He owns them, I never had. Hey
don't rain on my parade!:):):)

Feedback: Feed me with your feedback, and I'll follow you home. Hey:) I'm
mans bestfriend!!!:)

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* I heard this song on the radio a while back. While my ex-boyfriend and I
were in the middle of a very terrible break up. I loved him very much. I
think in a way I always will. But the song, " Smile," by LoneStar gave me
the strength to " bow out gracefully." And I thought it would be fitting for
the state of mind that I wanted Scully to be in. But by no means is this is
a Song fic. My story was not based on it. Nor did it revolve around it.*

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Awaiting Completeness

God it's cold out today. And it's raining to top it off. It has to be like
this on one of those rare Saturdays Mulder hasn't dragged me off somewhere.
Well the only reason being was because I didn't answer the phone when he
called and left the apartment the second I heard, " Scully, there's this
case I found and..." I just wasn't up for it today. I just feel like
avoiding him today. This week has been hell. After the way he treated me,
when I tried to explain that Diana was working for 'THEM.' Listen to me.
God, I sound so paranoid. I remember when Dana Scully actually had a social
life, and didn't live to work. I catch a glimpse of myself in a store
window. The rain has let down for a while, but my face seems just a dark and
gray.

When did I stopped smiling? I can't remember what it feels like to be happy.
I can't remember if I ever was. I don't blame any of this on my partner. I
make my own choices. I am my own person. I chose this life, and I deal with
the consequences. I said once that I wouldn't change a day. And up until
recently I meant it. Then Mulder had to go and prove my deep seated fear to
be a reality. That he doesn't really care about my opinion. That he doesn't
take me seriously. And most of all, he really doesn't love me. I mean not
that it bothers me, I can deal with it. I'm fine.

It's come to this, now I even lie to myself. Okay, you gotta start somewhere
right? I'm not fine! Far from it! I feel so empty inside it hurts. I always
had one dream, the dream that someday, when things had settled down. When
our battle was won, that Mulder and I could finally stop side stepping our
feelings. But now, when push comes to shove, I find that Mulder really
doesn't love me. It seems we're back at square one. Where I am trying to
earn his trust. Well I'm not gonna do it anymore. Who cares if he doesn't
trust me? I do dammit!

It's always like this. The inner war of my emotions taking place, while on
the outside I try to remain calm. So there is no way I am gonna let him know
he is gonna hurt me. No way in hell. I'll just only spend time around him
when it's most necassary. Hour nint to five. Weekdays Friday through
Saturday. No more over time and no more week ends. I wasted so much of my
life trying to gain the trust of that man, for so long I have thought I had
it, and I fought to keep it. It was a futile battle. I have never had his
trust so I give up.

That's why I'm here on a Saturday, walking down this street on a rainy day.
Drowning my sorrows shopping. I've always prided myself to not fitting in to
sterotypes. But here I am, shopping so I don't cry. At least I'm not eating
constantly. The store clerk is starting to stare, I guess I've been staring
at this window for over 10 minutes. I move on to the next store, a childrens
toy store. Emily. My little girl. I can still feel her little hand in mine.
Her little fingers curling around mine. Somedays I can smell her. And I feel
her presence around me. Not that I would ever admit it to anyone, especially
Mulder. Especially now. One tear slides down my cheek. I finger the cross on
my neck. The cross that she wore. Sometimes I feel like this necklace is my
only connection to my past. The only thing I can hang onto that gives proof
that I have lived.

I thought this was gonna help me. Getting out of my apartment for a while. I
guess I was wrong, I hate crying in front of strangers. I have to get home.
I spot a guy behind me, looking in the same window, but I think his brown
eyes are staring at mine in the reflection. I move to the next store he
follows. The next he does the same. And so on for the next three stores. I
turn around abruptly catching him in mid-stride. He takes a step back in
surprise. I approach him and demand to know why he is following me.

" I'm sorry to scare you." He apologized.

" Answer me." I demand once again.

" Well, I have been trying to get up the courage to ask you out on a date."

" Oh." I say.

" You see, I am new around here and well, I have a soft spot for a beautiful
woman like yourself."

" Oh." I say again a slight blush tracing my roman features.

" So.... Would you like to go out Monday night?"

" I don't know, I have a very busy schedule." Then I remembered that I
wouldn't anymore, I'm tired of being used. " Actually I would love too!" I
said allowing a open mouthed smile.

" Really?" He exclaimed, " Great, give me your number and I will call you
tonight." They exchanged numbers and parted with playful smiles. Maybe today
won't be as bad as I thought. Then she saw Mulder pull up next to her car
and the thought left. Shit! She ducked into the nearest store, a sports
store. He looked in everyone of the stores except that one. Hmm.. I wonder
who he's looking for. He dissapeared from sight so I walked out of the store
non-challantley and walked to my car. Once in, I took a deep breath, I felt
guilty, I don't know why. He wasn't looking for me. It was just a
conincedince. I started the car quickly when I saw Mulder rounding the
corner again. He saw me and started toward me. I pulled out before he could
get to me and left him standing next to the side walk. Was he looking for
me? No he just noticed I was here and probabally wanted me to feed his fish
or something. I looked in the mirror he was pulling out his cell phone. I
took mine out when it rang and pressed the off button. Today I won't be
Mulders extra hand. Not today and not ever again. When I got home I slid of
my shoes, a sat down on the couch, or more I let myself drop there. I want
to relax. Put my feet up and let the hours just pass me by while I do
nothing. Ahhh! Nothng at all. I look over at my answering machine. It blinks
rapidly, telling me I have 5 new messages. I lazily walk over and click
'play.' " Scully, theres this case I found.." been there done that lets move
on to the next message. " Scully are you there?" Ughh, Mulder is
insufferable. Next message please. " Scully c'mon pick up." Jesus Mulder.
Next message please. " Scu-leee????" For crying out loud Mulder, do you
think I could possibly be not home. Onto the last message. Please don't be
Mulder. " Scully, why is your cellphone off, I was out here looking for you,
cause we need to talk. And I saw you, but you drove off before I could catch
ya. Then I tried calling your cell phone. Scully are you avoiding me?" Hmm,
Mulder where ever did you get that idea? After the message finally ended,
the phone rang. Shit! I don't feel like talking to anyone. The answering
machine clicked on. A newly familialr man's voice.

" Hey, umm, we forgot to switch names earlier, but this is Brad and we have
a date Monday...."

" Hi Brad, I'm here." She ansered quickly, she did want to talk to someone,
just not Mulder. He broke her heart, but I'm strong I can take it. And I can
move on.

The night came and went and she spent it avoiding Mulders calls. The next
day was the same. And too soon for Scully, Monday come. Usually she would be
at the office at seven. Not today, she was going in at nine. Today she was
gonna sleep until seven. I have a plan. To get over Mulder. I don't wanna
love him. I will get him out of my heart if it kills me, I used to be so
independent. Then I met Mulder and it all went out the window. I came to
depend on him in many ways. No more of that. I'll make us strictly
proffessional. Seperate my different parts of my life. Personal will not
include him. And I think Brad could help me get over Mulder. That's wrong I
know, because I really do see no future with that man, but he makes me feel
beautiful, something Mulder never does. If he doesn't love me, I won't love
him! Who am I kidding? I'll always love that man, but I don't have to show
it.

I walk into the office at precisly nine AM, with my head held high. I am
greeted by a pacing Mulder. His eyes shoot up when I open the door. They
lock with mine and I feel like I may start crying when I see those hazel
orbs. I really love this man. The pain is hard to explain. No words can tell
how I feel now. Sadness, regret, I don't Know? I'm strong, I'm fine! Arn't
I?

" Where the hell have you been?!!!" Mulder demands and all my emotions are
replaced by anger. It is none of his buisness, and anyway I'm not late.

" Why? I'm not late." I throw back at him. He looks confused for a second
and then realizes I'm telling the truth.

" Well, how about this weekend?!!" He Exclaims.

" If it's any of your buissness, I needed a break." His eyes continue to
search mine. I move my eyes quickly from his and busy myself with seeting my
briefcass on my New desk. And I turn to walk out the door of the office we
just got back, thanks to the former Agent Spender. He grabs my arm and I
shoot him an Icy glare. They don't call me the, 'Ice Queen,' for nothing. He
takes his hand quickly away and shoves it in his pocket. That's alot better.
He is gonna be seeing a great deal of those looks from now on. That will
surely get the proffesional barrier back up.

" Now, where are you going?" He asks. As if you care Mulder. Don't play
games with me. Ofcourse I don't say that. That would let on that he has hurt
me.

" I have an autopsy to do and some loose ends to tie up." With that I leave
without looking back. It isn't until the elevator doors shut do I let out a
broken sigh. It takes all I have not to start crying. Dana Scully does not
cry. I didn't realize how hard it would be to act like Mulder wasn't a part
of my personal life. It's sad he has so much sway over my life. In a way he
still does, almost my every other waking thought is about him. And all of my
sleeping thoughts. I won't indulge in fantasies anymore. The elevator stops
and I straighten myself up, when the doors open, I step back in shock.
Mulder is standing in front of them, breathing heavily. He must have ran up
the stairs to get here first.

" What is it Mulder?" I ask.

" I am coming to with you, while you do the autopsy."

" That is completely unessacary." I state and step around him resolutely. He
follow close behind. A grin spreads across his face and I want to slap it
off because it gives me butterflies.

" Scully, I haven't seen you all weekend. Can't a guy miss you?" He asks
sincerely. Hah! Like I'm gonna believe that. I turn toward him with my eyes
shooting bullets.

" There is no need for it. No." I walk ahead, thinking I won. But soon I
feel his hand on the small of my back. I hope he doesn't feel the slight
tremble that sets off. I stop walking and look at him again. " Mulder..." I
start to protest.

" Scully, I'm coming with you whether you like it or not. I've missed you
and I want to see the results of the autopsy." Aha! There it is. I was
right, I'm only around for one thing. To do his dirty work. Oh well! Who
actually enjoys there work? I used to, actually, not really the slicing and
dicing. But the part where we worked side by side. Investigating. He once
said I made him whole. He also said that he couldn't do it alone. At the
time I thought he meant it on a different level than just needing me to do
his arrands. I prooved myself wrong. Great! Today is gonna be a long day.

" Fine." I state in a steady tone. And walk quickly down the hall to the
autopsy bay. He catches up again and replaces his hand. I arch my back away
from it. Touching is not necassary at all. I chance a glance in his
direction. His eyes are closed and he lets out a barely audible sigh of
frustration. I wonder what his problem is. Must be the work is getting to
him. The whole day was like that. With him following me around, and me
telling him it was un needed. He didn't give up. He actually stayed closer
to me, if thats possible. Every five seconds I had to get away from his
touch. If he touches me I won't be able to keep up my plan.

What a site we must have made. People were watching us all day. Obviously
noticing that Mulder was literally chasing after me. I admit I was walking
really fast, and whenever he did catch me, he was always touching me. I
mean, normally he touches me alot. But now it was like his hands were
constantly on me. Sending sparks through out my body. I felt so stupid
removing myself from his touch. It was begginning to get hard to act
non-chalant. Coming up with reasons to escape him, that were reasonable.
That would seem normal. Eventually I went back down to the office. He
followed me down in the elevator. Talking about some new case with his hand
on my shoulder. I shrugged it off and fake coughed. I know, I know. Great
excuse, right? When the elevator stopped a quickly walked down the hall to
'our' office. Damn it! His hand was on my back. I once again arched myself
away from him. He growled out of frustration and stalked to my desk.

" What's wrong? Come up with something about the case?" I ask.

" No! Scully why the hell are you doing this?" He's not supposed to care. He
doesn't. I won't let myself think that.

" What are you talking about?" I ask.

" Only the fact that you avoided me all weekend, you tried to avoid me
today. Every time I came with you, you tried to argue me away. And you won't
even let me touch you. That's what I'm talking about." He replied.

" I don't know what you mean." I say innocently. " Anyways, touching is not
necassary."

" I don't care what's necassary Scully!" His voice cracks. He sits down. So
do I. I have work to do. Just be professional, don't let on that your hurt.
Work. Work. Work. So I work. I feel Mulder watching me all day. But I won't
look at him. Or atleast not directly. Only out of the corner of my eye. Soon
I become numb, and absorbed completely at the task at hand. I look up at the
clock sometime later. It's 5 past 5 PM. I get up and walk to the coat rack.
While pulling on jacket on, Mulder looks up.

" Where are you going?" he asks. He seems to be saying that alot lately.

" Home. It's after five, Mulder."

" Since when do you go home at five? What do you have a date or something?"
He asks increduiosly.

" What if I do? It's none of your buissness." I state matter-of- factly.

" Do you?" He asks more seriously. I look over at him, for some reason he
looks hurt. I won't let myself even think it's because of me.

" Actually, yes I do. Talk to you tommorow Mulder." And once again I walk
out the door. Mulder doesn't care if I have a date. We're strictly
professional. 'Then how come you feel so damned guilty?' Because I love him,
I tell myself. ' Then tell him!' He doesn't love me, I argue. 'Then why is
he acting like this?' Because he is having a hard time with work!' I offer
to my subconcious. ' Do you really believe he doesn't love you?' Yes! '
Fine. You might just lose the most important thing in your life.' I already
have. I hate it when I have to argue with myself. I really do.

During the drive home, the radio was all sappy love songs. Screw this! I
turn off the nobb angrily. All those songs about true love are so false. Do
they even know how untrue they are. True love doesn't exist. When you love
someone, they don't love you back. At least thats how it works for me. I
walk through my apartment door and go starightly to my bathroom. A nice
bubble bath will calm my nerves for tonight. I want to make a good
impression. And not come across cynical. I undress as the water rises and
when the bubble are high enough I step in. Just as my eyes close. My cell
phone rings. I open one eye. I shouldn't have brought it into the bathroom
with me. I let head sink below the water. Drowning out all the noise.
Eventually I come back up for air. The phone has stopped ringing. Thank God!
Now I can get some peace. 'BBBBRRREEEEIIIINNNGGG!!!!!!' For christsakes!
Can't I get a little peace? ' BBBBBRRRREEEEIIINNNGGG!!!' Obviously not! I
sigh resignation and reach for a towel to dry my hand. And reach for the
phone half hanging out of the tub by the third ring. And answer it on the
fourth.

" Scully." I answer.

" Hey, Scully. It's me." Who else? But I decide I could pretend I don't know
who it is. He shouldn't call me during after hours anyway. There is no point
ot it. Even though he always does it. Must be buissness.

" Who?" I ask.

" Mulder. Who were you expecting?"

" I don't know. I do have a life though Mulder. So what's up?"

" Can't I just call you to say 'hi?'" He asks. As if!

" Yeah right, Mulder!" I laugh. " So really, what is it you need?" I ask. He
makes an irritated noise down the line.

" Scully, I seriously just called to say hi."

" Hi." I say.

" So Scully, who is this date of yours? Do I know him?"

" I doubt you know him. He's new to the state of New York."

" So your dating the new guy in town. What's his name?"

" Brad."

" Is he cute?"

" Mulder..." I protest.

" C'mon, Scully. We're friends. You can tell me these things." What am I
supposed to say? I am trying to seperate my personal life from my
proffesional life. He says we're friends. That involves trust. I don't see
any here. How about you? Okay so I gotta think. " Scully, you there?"

" I'm here Mulder." I say at last, I'm at a loss for words. " But Mulder, I
am kinda busy right now. I'm in the middle of the bubble bath."

" Oooh Scully, tell me more."

" Goodbye, Mulder." I say with a chuckle. I keep the phone to my ear,
expecting the line to go dead, or to hear a 'goodbye.' Instead I hear him
ask,

" Scully, we are friends right?" I hang up the phone quickly. He has no way
of knowing I heard that. I did say goodbye. I can't talk to him right now.
It hurts way too much. I finally let myself cry.

" Were we ever friends Mulder?" I ask in the solitude of my bathroom. No
aswer. " That's what I thought." You know, I used to think he loved me. He
even said it once. He was under drugs though so it didn't count. Why can't I
just stop crying? I just don't want to hurt anymore. I read in a book once
that if you hold your feelings back and bottle them inside, you have a
nervous breakdown eventually. I've held my feeling inside for nearly seven
years now. I think the cap on my bottle is gonna blow anytime now. I just
hope it happens when I'm alone.Until then, I'm gonna run from them as long
as I can. I will not let him know the control he has over me. Or how much I
love him. I wonder if he already knows.

Maybe that's why he tried to kiss me in his hall way last summer. Yes, I
remember. How could I forget? He must have known that he was my weak spot.
And used it to get me to stay. Not because he wanted to kiss me. It was his
last resort at keeping is chore girl with him. I'm starting to look like a
prune. Time to get out. I get dressed and wear a stunning black dress. It
fits me in all the right places. And for once I feel beautiful. Theres a
knock at the door. Not Mulders, must be Brad. Why should I feel
dissapointed? It's not like I expected Mulder to demand I don't go on the
date. But I can't help feeling a little let down when I open the door to
find Brad standing there, looking shyly at his feet. I hide my
dissapointment with a wide smile. He looks up, and at me with awe.

" Hi Brad."

" Dana, hi. You... You look amazing." He stutters out and takes my hand to
kiss.

" You ready Brian?" I ask. He grins at me.

" Am I ever." He keeps my hand in his. And pulls me off to dinner. ' But are
you?' My subconcious asks me. Ofcourse I am. ' What about Mulder?' What
about him? Why don't you just give up? Mulder doesn't love me, so we are a
lost cause. ' You love him, your not ready for Brad. You never will be. Your
heart belongs to another.' Shut up! I'm fine. I'm ready to move on. Mulder
doesn't love me. So why should I sit and pine away for him the rest of my
life? I don't give the voice time enought to answer. I shouldn't.

* * *

That was the worst date I ever had. Just another guy trying to get in my
pants. Or in this case, beneath my dress. He actually asked if we were gonna
have sex. Bastard. Looks like I won't be seeing him again. Why can't I find
a guy that is intersted in me. But that also has good intentions? I guess
I'm just better off alone. What more did I expect? ' You expected to end up
with Mulder.' The fucking voice was back! Well I was wrong okay! Stop
rubbing it in my face. ' That's not my intentions. I just think you should
open your eyes.' Yeah, to what? ' He loves you!' I don't believe it. ' No,
you won't believe it. He loves you for all he's worth, and your letting
yourself believe he doesn't because of one little mistake?' Little? Little?
' Okay it was a big mistake. He should have believed you. We both know your
right. He does too. But can you blame him for not wanting to believe? The
only other person that he ever trusted betrayed him. If he believed that, he
would have to evaluate his trust in you. And how he feels toward you.' I
don't believe you. He doesn't care about me! We are colleauges. At one time
I thought we could be more. I was wrong, leave it at that. No more. ' Fine,
but your making a mistake.' I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I let my body carry me to bed. I don't even bother to undress. I just
collapse. Today was such a stressful day. So long. I need a vacation. That's
it!!! I'll take a vacation. It will clear my thoughts. And I can firmly put
up my wall between Mulder and I. Plus I could use some rest. Tommorow, I
will go to the one place no one knows I go to. I fall to sleep to the sound
of my thoughts.

' BEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!' I reach my hand out to slap away the offending sound
that is taking my away from my peaceful slumber. ' BEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!' I
let out a grunt as the noise continues. Finally I open my eyes. Reach up and
press 'off' on my alarm clock. There's something I'm supposed to do today.
What is it? Hmmm. I sit up groggily and push the covers off me. When I
realize I'm still in my black dress still, I remember. I am going on
vacation!!!! This wakes me right up. And I hop out of bed. I practically run
to my closet. I put on shorts and a t-shirt. I look in the mirror. I'm
smiling. I'm actually smiling. I haven't been this excited in a long time. I
guess I need a vacation more than I thought. I think it will do me good.

I call Kersh and tell him I'm taking a vacation. He told me I deserve it.
That was weird. Since when does he give words of encourgment. Hmm. If I
dwell on the thought of Kersh too much I might freak myself out. No work.
Just play. For a whole week nothing but play. This is gonna be nice. I call
my mom and tell her.

" Dana are you alright?" She asks. C'mon mom, I don't want to dwell on my
problems yet. I'm leaving to get away from them.

" I'm fine, mom." I lie.

" Well, have fun dear."

" I will mom, love you, bye."

" Love you too, bye honey." I hang up and pick up my suit case and purse.
This is definitely a good idea. It will be nice. Going to my family beach
house and possibly getting a tan. Getting away from it all for a while. I
will come back new and revived. Ready to deal with all the shit. Hopefully,
more able to keep up the plan with Mulder. I get into my car, take a last
look at the city. And I drive away.

The car ride is long, but worth it. The radio keeps reminding me of Mulder.
I turn it off. I feel like silence right now. This week is gonna be quiet.
Three hours later, I arrive at the little beach house. I used to dream of
bring Mulder out here. I wonder if he knows I'm gone yet. Probabaly. Hey,
he'll probabally enjoy me taking this vacation as much as I do. I used to
hope I could bring Mulder up here someday. But all those wishes are gone
now. No need to remain in the past anylonger. I take my cross off and place
it in my shorts pocket. I hop out of the car quickly, grab my stuff and run
into the beach house.

It hasn't changed a bit. Besides a little dust. It is beautiful. I forgot
how gorgeous it was. I set my stuff down in the bedroom and look around the
house. It has been such a long time since I've been here, I feel like a kid
on christmas day. Once settled in I grab a book, suntan lotion and I head
out to the beach. The sun is high and the smell of the ocean is heavenly. I
must get the love of the ocean from my father. I miss him sometimes. I
wonder what he would have told me to do right now. I think he would tell me
to be strong and follow my heart. The thing is my heart doesn't even know
what to do.

I lay down on a blanket. Preparing to get a tan. I wish Mulder loved me. It
hurts not to be loved. Especially after all this time. When I have spent so
much time with him. I was fooling myself to believe he loved me. Just
straining to hard to see what wasn't there. Does the emptiness I feel inside
ever go away? Even though before I found out he didn't love me, I wasn't
complete. I had to much taken from me to be complete. But the spot where I
held what I thought was Mulders love kept me from feeling empty. At times I
actually felt like I was over flowing. Now I just feel broken. Is this what
I'm going to feel like for the rest of my life? If so, Lord, please kill me
now. I let the sun take away my worries. The sound of the ocean soothing
away my tears. My tears?!?!?! I didn't even know I had be crying.

The week was spent like that. Laying in the sun. Tanning and reading.
Resting and relaxing. The days were beautiful, not a day of rain. Perfect.
It is absoutely perfect. Saturday came. The last day and night I stay here.
It has gone by so fast. I lost track of the days. I feel more calm though. I
think this has given me a release. I should do it more often. I step out
onto my porch and look at the sun setting. Oh! It is so beautiful. I've
missed so many of these moments in life. The most beautiful ones. I cherish
this chance that I am given. The chance to reflect. From now on I am gonna
live every moment. I step of my porch and onto the sand. It is so soft
beneath me. I am gonna miss it here. But I have to go back sometime. Maybe
in a few months I can come back or even during weekends every now and then.

I sit down on the sand. Not bothering to get a blanket. I look out at the
continueing sunset. It casts a reddish glow over the ocean. It is wonderful,
so wonderful it brings tears to my eyes. Nature never ceases to amaze me. No
matter what tradgedy is going on around it. What the worlds troubles are.
Nature goes on, and makes such beauty for all to see. Maybe it's Gods way of
showing us what good is out there. What life can bring. And if we just stop
to look now and then. We will see what we are missing by being so caught up
in our tragidies.

My thoughts wander to Mulder. When it comes to him, I'm not ready to leave
yet. I haven't made my decision yet as of what to do with him. I feel like I
have lost who I was over the years. Now I have found it. And he is my life.
How do you let something like that go. I watch as the wave splash against my
feet. Licking my toes. It's warm, yet cool. Hard, yet soft. There are so
many side to the ocean. It reminds me of Mulder. The way he is everything
rolled into one. I love him. And I never will stop. Thats one thing that
will never change. This vacation has taught me that much. My love for him
goes beyond the simple love, it is a love that fills my soul. It demands my
existance. That in itself causes my tears to fall again. Even though it
hurts, I have to let him go. I won't stand in his way again. Someone once
told me, " If you love someone, let them go." That's what I must do now. The
sun is just barely there above the horizon of the ocean. Setting an errie
glow on everything. It's all so clear now. As I reach for a hand full of
sand. I hold on tight to it and it slips through my fingers.

If I hold on to tight to Mulder, I'll lose him for good. Even though before
this vacation I told myself I was letting go of him. My heart was holding on
for dear life to him. I let the tears fall more now, wetting the knees I'm
cradiling. It will be best for him, if I just leave. I only want him to be
happy. If that is with Diana, so be it. Maybe I was wrong about her. Just
letting my emotions take control of me. I'll make it up to him now. I won't
hold on so tight to him. But my years with him are now over. I'll hold him
in my heart forever. But I'll die happier knowing I did the right thing and
didn't force him to be in my life. Even if I die alone. That's the price you
pay for doing the right thing.

When I return to work Monday, I will explain to Mulder that I am leaving.
Tell him why, or mostly. And I will resign from my position. I wouldn't be
happy working with anyone else. So I will come live here. In this beach
house. I'll find work here, become a doctor. Maybe become a pediatricion. I
love kids. I love Emily. Yes, I feel her with me no. Trying to comfort me.
To take away my tears. It's okay Emily. Mommy wants to cry. I need to right
now, baby. It's dark now. The stars are starting to come out. It will be
lovely to watch the seasons change out here. I think I will still have a
great life here. Treating childeren. I can never have my own, but I will
have the joy of their presence.

I stand. My knees crack. I'm getting old. But like I said I wouldn't change
a day. A few days ago I was doubting that. But now I realize that I
wouldn't. I have loved my time with Mulder. It was great while it lasted. He
is such a wonderful man. And my life was made by that man. He made me whole
and who I am. I'm thankful for him. Even if he doesn't love me. If I stay
now, I would only be holding him back. Nothing good last forever. Now I'm
even thankfull for what happened when I told him about Diana Fowley at the
Lone Gunmens place. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have known the truth.
I would have still been living a lie. Holding him back with my ignorance.

I walk back to my porch and into the lighted kitchen. I reach for the
fridgerator door. When I open it, I realize I'm not hungry. Instead, I go to
the bathroom. A bath would be nice now. I look in the mirror. My eyes are
slightly red, I have cried alot. But I have been mourning the death of the
love of my life. Ofcourse Mulder is not dead. But I love him with all my
heart, and I am saying goodbye to him. And in a way I am saying goodbye to
my heart. Because it will always stay with him. I stare more at myself. I
have gotten a tan. I'm a nice light coppery color now. It's been a long time
since I got a tan. I actually don't think Mulder has ever seen me with a
tan. It's the new me. Walking out of his life, forever.

I suddenly don't feel like a bath. I feel like I'm gonna cry again. So I
will just take a shower. I step in and cry again. No sobs, just soundless
tears mingling with the spray of the showere. Only my scrunched up face
gives any clue as to my condition. The water washes away the dirt, my tears,
and my old life. I step out of the shower and walk in the buff to my
bedroom. I fall asleep once under the covers. I dream of children and cake.
I dream of love and sunsets. I dream of the past and the future. I dream of
life.

I wake to the sun shining on my body. I kicked the covers off in the night.
It's like I'm being born right now. I'm naked and coming out of sleep as if
it were my mothers womb. I let the sun caress my skin, make love to my every
pore. The yellow bounces of my body, making me glow. I pull myself from my
half dream state. Cutting the last cord of my fantasy land. Today I go back,
if only for a short period of time. I pack up my stuff. It's time to leave.

I get in my car and turn on the radio. I pull out leaving my new home behind
for the time being. The songs on the radio remind me of Mulder. But I don't
mind it anymore. I happily except the memories now. I am half way home when
a song comes one that fits me perfectly.

" I still remember the day we met, you said you loved my smile. But your
love for me was like a summers breeze. Oh it lasted for a while. I could
hold on a little tighter I know, but when you love someone you gotta let
them go. So I'm gonna smile, because I want to make you happy. Laugh, so you
won't see me crying. I'm gonna let you go in style. Even if it kills me, I'm
gonna smile. Kiss me once for the good times baby, kiss me twice for
goodbye. You can't help how you don't feel. And it doesn't matter why...
Give me a chance to bow out gracefully, because that's how I want you to
remember me. So I'm gonna smile, so you can find the courage. Laught, so you
won't see me hurting. I'm gonna let you go in style. Even if it kills me,
I'm gonna smile."

She drifted in and out during the lyrics of the song. Sometimes her own
thoughts were louder than the sound of the singers voice. What was she gonna
do without Mulder in her life? It was like cutting out your heart. Taking
away your oxygen. I can make it. I won't let him see me cry. I just want him
to be happy. And it takes me leaving, and getting out of his way. I'm gonna
leave with my head held high, so he will think he hasn't hurt me at all. He
doesn't need more guilt. He needs someone who won't question him or pick
apart his theories. Like Diana. I love him, I'm letting him go.

The long drive finally ended. I went to my apartment and started to pack.
She noticed a dark figure on her couch. What the hell! He looked horrible.
Eyes were swollen and red. He hadn't shaven while I was gone.I had been
hoping I wouldn't have to see him until I went to work tommorow. Looks like
that part of the plan is blown.

" Mulder?" I shook his shoulder. " Mulder, wake up." His eyes opened slowly,
and upon seeing me, a smile creeped across his face. Then he got the face of
a little kid caught with his hands in a cookie jar.

"Shit!" He sat bolt upright, and covered his face with his hands in shame.

" Mulder, what are you doing in my apartment?" I asked gently.

" I... uhh.. ah shit!" He stuttered out.

" Mulder, what are you doing in my apartment?" She asked again, making sure
no anger was in her voice. Because she wasn't the slightest bit angry. Even
though she hadn't want to face him. She really missed him and wanted to see
him. After a few minutes he took his hands away from his face and looked her
directly in the eye. He took a deep breath and began,

" Scully, while you were gone, I kinda stayed here. I didn't know if you
were coming back. After the way I treated you. I mean, I wouldn't blame you.
But I missed you and I, well, I needed to be around you in some way. Ah,
hell, I don't know." He looked at her more closely. " Scully, I do believe
you got a tan! Where have you been?"

" Well, let's not talk about that right now. Have you been to work this week
Mulder?" He looked away from her again.

" I did Monday. Then for about half a day on Tuesday. Then I couldn't take
it anymore. Scully, I'm happy you came back." He reached out to take me in
his arms for a hug. Please Mulder don't do this to me. Not now. I need my
courage, and if you touch me, I might lose it. He stopped when his hands
were on my arms. I followed his eyes, they were where my cross used to lay
on my neck. " Scully, where's your necklace?"

" Not now Mulder. I think you should go home and get cleaned up. And get
some food in you. Have you eaten Mulder? There wasn't much in my fridge."
I'm starting to get concerned what the hell is wrong with him.

" Not that much, I just haven't been that hungry. Other things have been on
my mind. Scully, don't change the subject. You have always worn that cross.
Why arn't you now?"

" I lost it." I avoided his eyes and moved from his grasp. I went and sat in
my arm chair. He scooted himself on the couch to the side closest to me. He
looked at me, searching. What are you searching for Mulder? Your always
searching for something.

" Your lying." Oh.

" What?" I ask, still avoiding my eyes.

" Scully, don't lie. I need the truth. I can see it in you, there's
something wrong. You've been gone for almost seven days. Why? And where's
your cross?" He was starting to look angry and hurt. Mostly hurt. Mulder why
are you hurt? You don't care. This is for the best, it has to be this way. I
knew I had to tell him sometime, I guess now is a good as a time as any. I
picked up my purse and took out my golden cross necklace.

" Right here." I dangled it in front of his face. He moved off the couch,
and sat in front of me on the floor. I handed it to him. He gently took it
from me. He looked at it, than back to me. And repeated the same actions
twice. "Keep it." I say softly.

" What? Scully, I don't understand." He looked utterly confused. I took a
deep breath, searching my soul for courage. But the only courage I could
find was sitting right in front of me. Holding my necklace.

" Mulder, I went on a vacation to think. I needed time to reflect, without
influence from anyone else. I have been completely alone for the past week.
This cross has always been my life line to the past. My life line to Emily.
To my father. To my sister. It always gave me proof that I existed during
those times, and anytime. It was always there. It came back to me every time
I went missing. And it has been there since I was a kid. Like I said it
connects me to my past. I took it off the day I got to the place I was
staying during my vacation."

" I'm still not following Scully."

" I let go of my connection to the past. I think it is time for me to do
something right for you."

" What are you saying Scully?" His eyes gave hint to fear. I looked down at
my hands. No wedding ring. There never would be. Alone. Always alone.

" I'm saying I'm resigning Mulder." I hate the way my voice cracked when I
said his name.

" No. Scully, you can't!" He took my hands in his. I gently pulled my hands
out of his hold. I looked back up at him. His eyes were closed tight. It
looked as though he was fighting tears. Please don't cry Mulder. I can't
take seeing you cry. Despite my willing it not to, a single tear slid down
his cheek. Abruptly he opened his eyes. Catching my eyes with his own. Hazel
meeting Blue." Please don't go Scully." His voice was now the one that
cracked and he moved from his position to his knees. The position of a
supplicant. " Scully, please!"

" Mulder, I have to." I stated simply.

" Why?" He asked, no anger in his tone. Only an agony I couldn't explain.
Mulder, why are you in so much pain?

" Mulder, I told you I went on vacation to think, and I did." I paused for a
moment, searching for the right words. " I realized something while I was
away. The past few weeks I have been fighting with myself. Trying not to
show any feelings when it came to you. Put you soley in the proffesional
category."

" Why?" He asks, interrupting me.

" That's not important." I try to tell him. He shakes his head as I say
this.

" But it is Scully, to me it is." He argues.

" Well, you told me that I was making things personal. And you were right. I
was. So I tried to remedy that. I tried to make things comepleteley
proffesional."

" By only working nine to five. Monday through Friday. And by not letting me
touch you or talk to you about anything un work related."

" Exactly. I found that we were back to square one. That you didn't trust me
anymore." He began to speak. I stopped him with a look. " No Mulder, let me
speak. When I first met you, you didn't trust me. I don't blame you, after
all that had happened to you. But later on in our partnership, I thought I
had earned it. So I worked hard to keep it. To do nothing to break that
bond." I pause once again. Looking from him to the floor. Holding back the
tears threatening to come. I forced a smile. " And then, then I realized
that day at the Gunmens' that I was fooling myself. That you don't trust me
like I thought. That after all we've been through together, if you can
dismiss me like that. Well, I just couldn't try anymore. I tried to treat it
like a chore. Our partnership. Like it was meaningless. But that's not the
truth. And I knew that. To me it was far from meaning less. It was my life.
Everything in the world to me.

" I found after last Monday, I really needed a break to sort through things.
While I was gone, I figured out that the right thing to do was leave you
before I made you hate me. You need someone beside you that doesn't nagg at
your theories. That doesn't just believe in you, but believes you. You need
someone like... like, someone like Diana Fowley. My personal feelings for
you are starting to get in the way of our, your work. It's time for me to
step away, to stop holding you back."

" Scully, you gotta know I trust you. You gotta know that. There's something
I need to explain to you about Diana." He placed his hands on mine again. I
pulled away quickly. This time standing up. In the process, I nearly knocked
him over. I walked over to the window. The sun was still up, but it wasn't
as beautiful as the beach. I feel Mulder behind me. His hands touch my
shoulders. Please don't Mulder.

" No Mulder. Please don't explain it." I practically beg. I don't want to
hear this. I put my hands over my ears. Childish I know, but I can't hear
this. It will hurt too much. He pries my hands away. " Mulder, I'm quitting
the FBI tommorow. It is the best. When you love something you have to let
them go." Oh shit!!!!! What the hell did I just say?

" What did you say?" I guess he had the same thoughts as me.

"I said it was for the best, Mulder. When the trust isn't there, it is not
worth it." I become fascinated with the children playing in the park.
Children are beautiful. They really are. They are the angels God has been
generous enough to let us see.

" Scully, you said you loved me." I can hear his smile. Damn him for
smiling.

" So? It's not about love. Mulder it's about trust."

" Scully, before I tell you something, I have to tell you about Diana." I
make no movement to cover my ears, he continues. " Diana was there when I
found the X-files. She helped me in the beggining. She was there when no one
else was." I interrupt him.

" And I was there after she left. The rest of the way. Now she is back and
it is time for me to go."

" No Scully, listen. I thought that it earned her at least the benifit of
the doubt. Innocent proven guilty. I trusted her, when there was no one else
to trust. But what you showed me made me wonder. I went to her apartment. I
broke in and found C.G.B. Spender. He was acting like he lived there. You
were right. While you were gone, I did a little research. She was working
with him during the past ten years. The Gunmen couldn't give specifics but
they could find that she was getting large sums of cash put into her bank
account from Area51."

" So I was right?"

" As usual." I'm not exactly sure what to do right now. So I continue to
stare out the window at the children playing. " Are you still leaving?" He
sounds so terrified. Theres a tremor in his voice. Afraid my voice will fail
me, I nodd to the positve. " Scully, there's something else I need to tell
you."

" Mulder, please stop." I don't want hear this. I have to leave. I know he
doesn't love me I don't want to hear it from his mouth or anyone elses for
that matter. " Mulder, I think you should go now. I have packing to do. And
I'm gonna be up all night doing it as it is."

" Your moving?!?!?!?"

" Yes, I am. And I'm becoming a pediatrician." I see his face contort in
pain. " Mulder, what's wrong?"

" I'm sorry Scully, because of me you can't have kids." I turn to him in
surprise. I wasn't expecting this in the conversation. He is so close, I
have to back myself against the window.

" Mulder, I make my own choices. It's my life. And I'm my own person." I try
to soothe his guilt.

" Then make the choice to stay." He beggs.

" I can't." I say, he actually gets on his knees. Mulder, why are you doing
this? Your not supposed to care. It's not supposed to happen like this. Your
supposed to argue with me a little. Then I'm supposed to leave gracefully.
Your supposed to let me leave. Please let me leave. Your starting to scare
me Mulder. "Please. Just let me go. Your not supposed to care." I try pull
him up from his position. He won't budge.

" Scully, why wouldn't I care. I told you that I trust you. I told you you
made me whole. And I meant it. I will not continue alone. I won't do it. I
can't do it. I meant it then. I mean it now."

" Please, I'm asking you to stop Mulder."

" No, Scully. I can't, not when the one thing in my life I care about is
going to leave me. What the hell am I supposed to live for then?"

" Mulder stop." I turn away from him again. " You have your sister to look
for. And you... you have your work Mulder."

" What if that isn't enough? What if I want you?"

" I'm leaving." I say.

" Scully, I'm sorry I hurt you, but you have to understand.."

" I'm fine, Mulder." I say it more to myself than to him. Why does he have
to make things so hard. I feel my hand on my hips. He spins me around. Then
climbs my body. Until my head is in his hands.

" No. You're not Scully. You're not fine. Not when you're leaving me. Scully
I..."

" I know Mulder, you don't have to say it." I can't hear him say he doesn't
love me. I can't.

" Then why are you leaving?" He looks confused. Doesn't he understand? Do I
even understand? I'm not even sure why I'm leaving anymore. Just that I have
to go.

" Because, I am in your way. My feelings are holding you down. Maybe you
trust me, but you, you don't..."

" I don't love you." He said it. Why did he have to say it? I start to cry.
" No, Scully, I wasn't saying it. You don't understand. I was trying to
finish your thought. Scully, I love you. With all my heart. Your the only
thing that keeps me sane. If you go, I will surely go mad."

" Mulder, I'm confused. I'm not even sure why I'm leaving anymore. I'm not
sure if it's because of what you said at the Gunmens' or if it's because...
Well, you terrify me Mulder." There I said it. He scares the hell out of me.
He is so passionate. He said he loved me, but does he mean it. Or is he just
using it to try to get me to stay."Mulder, there is so much passion in you.
When you want someone to stay, you, you latch onto what will keep them there
and portay it with such conviction. I can't be sure of you. I don't
understand you. You keep me at arms length. And then you do something that
totally throws me ofcourse. Like this. Mulder I have to leave. I don't want
to hurt anymore. And I don't want to hurt you by staying. By forcing myself
in your life. If I die alone, it's alright with me. As long as I know you
die happy." My biggest fear. I can't believe I said it. The fear that Mulder
would be happier without me. I can't look at him anymore. I try to turn
away, but when he won't let me, I close my eyes.

" Open your eyes Scully." I refuse to, I wont. Then I feel it. His breath on
my lips. I open my eyes when I feel his lips on mine. Why is he doing this?
He doesn't love me. He just wants me to stay and he is using what ever
method he can. He finally pulls away with a smile on his face. " I've wanted
to do that forever."

" Stop lying!" I'm angry now. No, I'm furious. How dare him play with my
emotions. Lie to me, so I'll stay.

" I'm not. I love you Scully. I love you. Accept it! Someone can love you. I
love you. I LOVE YOU!" Okay if before I was furious, now I'm just plain
livid.

" Shut up! Your just saying that to get me to stay. Well it won't work." I
push him away. As hard as I can. He keeps his grasp tight on my shoulders.
Then he pulls me to him. Wrapping his arms around me tightly. " Let go of
me! You don't love me. If you did, you wouldn't have waited all these years
to tell me! Let! Me! Go!" I fight him tooth and nail. I realize we're
moving. He's carrying me somewhere. To my bedroom. Oh god! What does he
think? I'm gonna give up because he.... he... Shit! I can't even say it. He
set me down onto the bed gently. Then he gets on his knees in front of me
again. What is it with him doing that lately.

" Scully, I do love you. I don't know how to make you believe me. But I do.
I know you love me. You have said as much. So we belong together. When two
people love each other, they belonged together. I know I'm not perfect. Or
even your ideal man. But I love you and that what matters. And your not
perfect either. But you love me. I heard once, that it doesn't matter if
either of you are perfect. But whether or not your perfect for each other.
So we belong together, with each other. Scully, I love you." I was crying
again. This is just one big rollercoaster ride of emotions. I just want it
to end. OH MY GOD!! What is he pulling out of his pocket. A little black
box. NO! Don't do this to me Mulder. Do you really love me? Why are you
doing this? He opened the box and placed it in my palm. "Dana Katherine
Scully, I love you, and I have had this ring for four years. It has taken
this to get me to do this. I feel like an idiot for not doing it sooner. But
I'm here now. If you will take me, I want you to be my wife. Dana will you
marry me?"

I look at him dumbfounded. I must look the way I feel, because he allows a
slight chuckle to escape him. Then he grows serious again. " Will you have
me?" He's just as terrified as I am. I can tell. He's afraid that I won't
have him. When he's what I want more then anything. He is sweating, he's so
nervous. It's actually endearing. Why am I so afraid of this man? The man
before me, the man on his knees, he's saved me time and again. He's been
there when I've been down. And he never gives up on me. Not even when I try
my hardest to push him away. Why doesn't he give up? Because he loves me. I
shouldn't push him away, or run from him. I should embrace him. But first I
think I should give him an answer.

" Yes." I whisper to him. The biggest grin I have ever seen on him crosses
his face.

" YES?!?" He exclaims. Taking me into his arms.

" Yes!!" I practically yell. He is kissing me now. If that's what you want
to call it. I like to call it adoring me. Cherishing me. I love him. I love
him. I realize I have only told him once. And I feel the need to say it a
thousand times more. " I love you Mulder!" He is still smiling, his eyes
sparkle bright with happiness. I think this is the happiest I have ever seen
him. Then he really giggles, he really does, and tells me he loves me too.
Yeah, this is the happiest I have ever seen him! And I know just by looking
in his eyes, that my face is the same as his. I can't stop smiling. Yup! You
heard me right! I can't stop smiling. I am so happy, I feel... so wonderful.
I love him. He loves me. That's all that matters.

After a night of passion I won't soon forget. I wake up slowly, for once not
trying to fight the tide of waking. Because I know for once, I won't wake up
alone. I was right. I'm in Mulders arms. We arn't covered up, and we are
both naked. I feel his body against mine. Hard yet soft. I love him so much,
but it doesn't hurt. I love him more each second. Because he loves me. And I
embrace that love with my whole being. I thought the sunsetting was the most
beautiful thing in the world. It's not. Waking up, and seeing the sun rise
over your lovers body and your own tangled with each other, is. Our skin is
bright in the light. I remember my last day at my beach house. When I awoke
and felt like a newborn. I was wrong. This is what it must feel like. Waking
up happy. We look like angels in the half light. I actually feel innocent,
no matter what the day brings. Because with Mulder, I always will be. In his
arms, I have finally found what I didn't realize I had been searching for.
All my life I have been awaiting comepleteness. His arms tighten on me and
he kisses my neck and falls back to sleep, mumbling in his sleep how much he
loves me. I'm not going anywhere Mulder. I never will.

The End

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* Authors note: Okay let me explain my story. I have this love of
Angstiness, if that is even a word. But I'm also an every dark cloud has a
siver lining kinda girl. Can you blame me for wanting happiness for these
two FBI Agents? They deserve it. So on that note, farewell, for now,
BWAHHAHAHA! Do you think I got the mad scientist laugh down? Oh yeah! I was
suppposed to be leaving now, wasn't I? Well I'm leaving now. Yup, I'm on my
way. Any moment now. Yup, here I go. Sorry, I'm just so giddy now. I can't
explain it. It's a conspiracy. Ta-Ta!!!!*

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