Slightly Deformed Potatoes Ghostshipper Invisi619@aol.com Category: CRH Rating: PG, a few swear words, you can handle it! Spoilers: Small Potatoes Keywords: Ally McBeal/X-Files crossover, MSR Summary: Eddie Van Blundht escapes from prison and flees to Boston. Mulder and Scully is on the case...........and visits some friends. Richard Fish gets sued by Janet Reno for sexual harassment? Continuation of "Unisex Bathrooms and Teenage Vampires". Archive: Knock yourself out! But I would like to know where it's going and see that nobody's ripping off my story as their own. REQUEST: Please send to Gossamer, thank you! I never thought I would do a sequel, I HATE calling it that because sequels always suck (Except Scream 2 =D), so this is a CONTINUATION. There's just not enough Allyfic getting around. =) Plus I watched SNL when DD was hosting, and that opening skit where Janet Reno is in love with Mulder was just too much of a coincidence with Richard being in love with her-- This is for Rachel Lewis (Are you reading this?) who told me I should do a story for "Small Potatoes". I'm pretty sure this is NOT what you had in mind but hopefully you'll enjoy this anyway. And a BIG WARM thank you to all wonderful feedback for my last story!!!!!!! This is for you guys!!!!!!!! AN IMPORTANT NOTE TO THOSE WHO ARCHIVED MY LAST STORY. I'm giving you permission right here to make all changes regarding to where Ally lives. Anywhere that says NYC or New York should say Boston. I feel like an idiot not knowing, since I've seen every episode of Ally. So we're going to pretend I never made that stupid mistake and Mulder and Scully went to Boston originally. **************************************************************** Eddie Van Blundht waited restlessly for his shrink to appear for their daily session. His eyes were hollow and distant. His stomach growled for the tenth time that day. He sighed. He hadn't eaten in two and a half days. But today it was all going to end. He was going to get out of there. Like clockwork, the shrink was spotted around the corner. "Hello, Eddie," his shrink said, entering the quiet white room. He noticed Eddie's bare head. "I got you a new hat." It was in a ridiculous shade of orange that matched his prison outfit. Eddie looked intently at the unsuspecting psychiatrist, memorizing the features on his face. "Eddie, you look like you're not eating well, is there-" He stopped short when he glanced at Eddie. His patient looked exactly like him. The next thing he knew he was knocked out of consciousness with a chair. Eddie carefully fitted the orange cap on the fallen man's head. "There. Now YOU'RE the superstar." He noticed a long rectangle piece of paper sticking out of his coat pocket. It was a plane ticket to Boston. In a tiny basement in DC....... "Mulder." Scully walked into their cozy office. Mulder paid no attention to her and continued throwing pencils at the ceiling. "MULDER!" "What?" A stream of pencils came flying at his head. One pelted him square between the eyes. "Ow!" He rubbed the spot gingerly. He looked at his disgruntled partner. "So, what's up?" he asked. She was wearing white Reeboks with pant suit. "Okay, it's my shoes, isn't it?" Mulder finally became aware that he was staring. "W-what?" he stammered. "Thanks for being so sensitive, Mulder. You know after you dragged me off to Swamp City that last case with the mud monsters all my heels were ruined. So I have to wear these for now. It's hard enough having to ignore the giggling I heard in the hallway but YOU have to make fun of me too." Scully looked as though she was about to cry. "Oh, Scully." Mulder led her to him and made her sit on his lap. "It's about time you got some common sense. I mean, how can I expect you to save my ass wearing 3 inch heels? By the time you get to me I'd be dead." Scully rolled her eyes. "Where is your sense of fashion?" "Scully?" "What?" "Shut up." With that, he kissed her lightly on the lips. She smiled and kissed him back. Mulder pulled her closer and send a trail of kisses down her neck. "Is the door locked?" he mumbled. "Mulder, we can't do it here!" "Why not? Technically I'm the division head, so I can just say we're taking a day to do paperwork and finish expense reports." "We can't because we have a new assignment." "Nothing that can't be delayed." "Mulder, I got a phone call before I got in." "Yeah?" "Eddie Van Blundht has escaped." Mulder stopped thier kissing frenzy to stare at her incredulously. "What?! How could that happen?" "Well, it was a minimum security prison." Scully saw Mulder tense up. 'What's wrong? Do you feel threatened by him?" she asked teasingly. "I just don't want what almost happened last time to have any chance of happening again." It's cute that you're jealous but I don't think Eddie is stupid enough to go after us again." Mulder sighed. "Okay, so how did he escape?" "Well it seems that Eddie figured out that they put the muscle relaxant in his food. So the theory is that he starved himself for a couple of days- "And walked out as a prison guard," Mulder finished for her. "Actually, his shrink. When he came to, he discovered that his plane ticket to Boston was missing." Scully got off his lap as Mulder stood up. "Scully, looks like you and I are taking a trip to New England." Slipping on his coat he turned to her. "That is, after I buy you a new pair of heels." Scully whacked him up side the head. On a plane to Boston......... Scully was reading when she heard it. A soft moaning sound. Turned out it was coming from her sleeping partner. His head was tucked in her should and one arm was draped around her waist. Slowly, the moaning got louder. "Oh, Scul-le....." Suddenly, as the moaning became more desperate, he knew, "Oh God! Scully!" Her face turned as bright as her hair. She could hear a bunch of teenage boys sitting behind her go, "Yeah, baby!" Scully shook him awake. "What?" Mulder mumbled and his eyes slowly opened. Laughter erupted from behind them. "Mulder, I know you're overly excited to get to the hotel rooms but I don't think the whole plane needs to hear about it!" Mulder blinked, confused. Soon, realization dawned on him. "Please tell me I haven't been talking in my sleep again." A boy from the seat behind them spoke up. "Let's just say that everybody from Row 32-37 knows that you're sexually deprived!" Scully whipped around and glared at the pimple faced boy. "Listen, one more smart remark from you or any of your buddies and I'll start popping the zits on your faces with my fingernails, got that?" The kid's faces turned as white and retreated back into his seat. "Go, G-woman," Mulder muttered as Scully composed herself. "I'm sorry for embarrassing you, Scully." She smiled good-naturedly. "That's okay. Remember it's not the first time you've humiliate yourself on an airplane." "Wow, it's like deja vu, isn't it?" Mulder would never forget that trip to Boston for as long as he lived. All of the sudden they looked at each other. "Let's go see Ally," they said. At Cage/Fish & Associates-- "Richard, I'm not about to get into a discussion about the probability of you being able to get a date with Janet Reno." Ally walked past him and ran smack into a short chubby guy with thinning hair. "Oops, sorry." He smiled. "Small potatoes." He walked away. But she hardly noticed him go when she saw the couple standing by the elevators. "Dana!" Scully looked up and saw Ally approached him. Scully wrapped her in a warm embrace. "It's been awhile." "Too long." Ally returned the hug fondly. "And Mulder, how are you?" "Never better," he said, grinning. "We have plenty of catching up to do." "If you're not busy-.." "Don't worry, I'm not. Georgia, Billy and John are more than capable to take care of the cases we have right now. Let me get my things." She disappeared on the hall. As son as she was out of sight Elaine came up to them. "This is just a friendly comment." After staring hungrily at Mulder, she turned to Scully. "A woman with your fair skin tone should try to use a lighter hair color-." Scully cut her off. "Excuse me, but are you suggesting that I DYE my hair?" She spat out the words like venom. Elaine gave an understanding look. "Dyeing your hair is nothing to be ashamed of. I do not naturally have blonde roots.." "Well isn't THAT a surprise," Scully snapped sarcastically. Elaine's mouth dropped open. "Miss Scully, I don't know." "You sure don't . I am part Irish, therefore I have red hair. I can assure you that I have NEVER dyed my hair before in my life." Elaine noted the gun under her coat and decided not to press the issue further. "Elaine." Ally came up and shot her a look. "Just getting acquainted with your friends," she said primly. Ally watched her until the secretary was out of earshot. "She didn't give you any grief, did she?' Mulder would've laughed out loud if not for the evil look Scully was giving him. "Let's go," Scully said faux cheerfully. As they relaxed over iced tea at the bar, Ally spoke first. "I take it from your suits that this isn't just a friendly visit." "We're here on a case," Mulder confessed. "We're here trying to find a guy who can change the way he looks by will. He preys on women by becoming their spouse-.." "Or potential love interest," Mulder added. "But that's absurd, he can't just change his face to look exactly like another," Ally said in disbelief. "Trust me, he can," Scully said grimly. Ally looked at her curiously. Mulder explained. "He impersonated me and hit on her. Thank God I interrupted them during mid-kiss." Ally's eyes grew wide. "Really?" she asked intrigued. Scully sighed. "Just promised me you'll be careful. It might even be best if you don't date until we catch this guy." "Sure, you have nothing to worry about." "Ally." Richard popped out behind her from out of nowhere. "Richard! What are doing snooping around people like that?" "I followed Janet Reno here," he whispered. "Her waddle beckons me." "Richard, I don't.." "Oh my God. She's staring at me." Richard was watching her over Ally's head. Ally turned around. Sure enough, there was Janet Reno, staring toward their table. But something was wrong. "Wait a minute," she said turning back to him. "I think she's staring at Mulder." "No." Richard was practically drooling now. "She wants me." "Um, Ally, I think Mulder and I should go now," Scully said, feeling a bit uncomfortable . "Yeah, we should be heading back to the hotel rooms," Mulder said, winking at his partner. "Okay, bye." Ally watched her friends leave. "Hey, there's the rest of the guys." Georgia, Billy, John, Elaine walked in. And so began another night of fun and dancing. The next day---.. Mulder woke up without a bit of rest. He was lost in thought until the phone ringing jarred him back to reality. "Mulder." "Mr. Mulder, it's John Cage." "Who?" Then he remembered the little odd man who'd defended his case. "I'm sorry, Mr. Cage." "Please call me John. I called because-.." The Biscuit hesitated. "Well, could you come by the office? I know you're on a case or other work related activities-" "Sure, John." Mulder told him that's he'll meet him at the office in an hour and hung up. John Cage paced back and forth until he saw Mulder walk in. "Good, you're right on time," he said, leading him to the unisex bathroom. Mulder immediately began to get nervous. "Um, isn't there any other place we could talk-" "Elaine went out more coffee and Richard is still pursuing Janet Reno." Mulder was surprised to find boombox on the counter when they walked in. "John, what.." "There seems to be problem with my dancing," John cut in. "I personally think I dance moderately well, but my dates have reacted negatively, to say least." "And I'm here to?" "Teach me how to dance." "But how do you know I -." "I saw you the last time you were here, dancing with Miss Scully. From the way the other women around the dance floor were staring at you, I concluded that they must be admiring your dance skills, since there were other attractive men dancing and yet the women were focused on you," John said plainly. "Look John, I gotta tell you this is not good for my already big ego," Mulder joked. "But okay. Let's see what you got." The Biscuit switched on the boombox. "Are you okay with Barry White?" "Sure." The room was filled with soft music mixed with the velvety bass tone of Barry White. "My darling, I can't get enough of your love babe---.." Mulder watched John grooved to be beat. "Less arms and more hip. Don't worry about precise steps, just let the music flow through you." With that, he joined John in the dance. Arms swinging, butt shaking, Mulder was thankful he decided to wear a loose T-shirt. "You want to try the macarena next?" John asked. The door burst open. "Mulder!" Scully watched horrified as Mulder engaged in butt bumping with John Cage. "What are you doing?" "Teaching John how to dance. What are you doing here?" "Going out for lunch with Ally. You just took off this morning, I didn't know where to find you." Then she added with a smile on her lips, "I'll let you get back to your uh, lesson." Mulder and John watched her leave. An uncomfortable silence filled the room. "You got Theme From `Shaft'?" Mulder asked. Scully met Ally outside the door. "I found Mulder." "Where? Here? I didn't see him come in." "Oh, it's probably for the best that you didn't." Ally waited for her to continue, but she didn't. "Dana, I need to talk to you about something." "Today was the day I told him that if he went to another college I wasn't going to follow him. Today was the day of our unofficial breakup." Ally had a faraway look on her face. "Every year I wonder what would've happened if I just went with him," Ally said miserably. "You still love him," Scully said sympathetically. "I don't know, what if? Would we be married? Would something else come between us?" She looked at Scully. "Now, I'll never know." "I know what it's like to love the one man you can't have," Scully said as though she was talking to herself. "But your man was single. You could've had him anytime. All I did was give you guys a push in the right direction." "Yes, but we were partners. The FBI frowned on agents getting romantically involved. We didn't want to give them another reason to split us up." Scully paused. "We never would've done anything if not for you. I was always afraid of rejection, and so was he." Ally warmed to her friend's kind words. "Believe me, the only people who could be that paranoid are you two." Scully laughed. "Well we ARE nicknamed Mr. and Mrs. Spooky at the Bureau." Ally giggled. Then she grew somber. "Now if you could only find ME a man. Every guy I like either gets married or moves to Chicago." "Hey, I waited for five years for my man, a little patience won't kill you." Scully sipped her iced mocha. "Besides, now is-." A familiar figure made her stop short. "Ally, get down," she muttered. She whipped out her gun. "Eddie Van Blundht!" At the sound of her voice Eddie sprinted in the opposite direction. Scully scrambled after him. She saw him make a mad dash out the door. But as soon as she got there he was gone. She clicked on her cell phone. "Mulder." "It's me. I just saw Eddie Van Blundht at the deli, but he got away." "Uh huh." She could hear faint music in the background. "Dance class not over, huh?" she asked teasingly. "Mulder, you do know we're never gonna catch this guy." "That's what I'm thinking. But he's human. Therefore he's vulnerable. I'm willing to bet he's usually in his normal form. After all, the muscle relaxant has gotta taken a toll on him. If we inform enough people about him I'm sure it'll pay off." "Yeah, the ones that believe us." Scully rubbed her sinus in frustration. "You know, I don't even feel guilty for not working on the case right now?" Scully smiled. "I could tell when I saw you. Mulder, go have fun. So are you going to meet me at the bar for dinner and show me some of your excellent dance moves?" Mulder chuckled. "Yeah, and then some." "Oh, Agent Mulder, is that a promise?" "Oh yeah. See you in a few hours." As she put her cellular away, Ally came up to her. "Dana, wow, did he-." "Lost him." Scully sighed. "Should've shot him when I had the chance," she muttered. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll catch him," said Ally reassuringly. "Yeah," said Scully seriously "Before it's too late." At Cage/Fish & Associates, in the janitor's closet? Eddie Van Blundht put away his plunger with a grumble. He sighed. But that's the sacrifice he made for this job. To get close to Ally. Ever since he bumped into her the other day he knew she was the one. His high school sweetheart paled in comparison with this sophisticated young lawyer. The only problem was, he knew nothing about her. So he did the only thing he could do. He talked to Elaine. She was more than crazy to fill him in on Ally's personally life and other office gossip. But she was willing to do a LOT more than that. "Sorry," he'd told her. "You're just not my type." Now, he was ready. He concentrated on the picture he'd snatched from Georgia's desk and slowly, he became Billy Thomas. He checked himself out in the mirror. "You're one damn--.pretty good looking man," he murmured. He ran his fingers through his hair. "Okay, it's show time." At the bar-------. Mulder was already there when Scully walked in. "Hi." Scully sat down next to him. "Where's Ally?" Mulder shrugged. He grinned when he saw the Biscuit. "Just look at John. He's having the time of his life." John was surrounded by a group of ladies dancing. "Wow." She turned to Mulder. "And this is all YOUR doing?" "Yep," Mulder said proudly. "So." Scully inched closer and said with a throaty sexy voice, "I don't suppose you could show me some of your moves?" "I'd be more than happy to," he said just as seductively. Ally came in just in time to hear the next song begin to play. "Sittin' here eatin' my heart out waitin' Waitin' for some lover to call Dialed about a thousand numbers lately Almost rang the phone off the wall-." Everybody in the bar sang along with the chorus. "Lookin' for some hot stuff baby this evenin' I need some hot stuff baby tonight I want some hot stuff baby this evenin' Gotta have some hot stuff Gotta have some loving tonight I need hot stuff I want some hot stuff I need some hot stuff-.." Ally giggled helplessly when she saw a couple of guys start taking off their shirts. "Ally!" Ally waved at her friends dancing. "Mulder!" Scully watched in dismay at what he was doing. "Please don't tell me you taught John how to do the full Monty." He grinned and pulled her close, lip synching the words to the song. "Lookin' for a lover who needs another Don't want another night on my own--" She smiled and lip synched back. "Wanna share my love with a warm blooded lover Wanna bring a wild man back home-." They barely noticed the police came in and took the two guys, now buck naked, out the bar. "It's the damn song," one of the policemen mumbled. "Men can't seem to keep their clothes on when they hear it." "It's that movie, the Full Monty!" another said. "Why the hell would anybody want to see a movie about a bunch of strippers?" "It did get an Oscar nomination-.." "Shut up!" Meanwhile, the lady on stage continued to sing. "Sittin' here eatin' my heart out, no reason Won't spend another night on my own I dialed about a hundred numbers baby I'm bound to find somebody home-.." Ally finally let herself be dragged out by the twins to dance. The dance raged on until the last notes of the chorus fade away. The bar erupted in applause. Mulder and Scully went back to the table where Ally was. Apparently Billy slipped in through all the commotion. "Hey, I didn't miss anything, did I?" Billy said grinning. "Oh no," Ally said. "The cops just came in to arrest two guys for public indecency." They all laughed. Ally's eyes wandered around the room and gasped. "Mulder," she hissed. "The Attorney General is walking toward you." Sure enough, there was Janet Reno, with the eyes of a jungle cat looking straight at him. He swallowed hard. "Hi." She placed a hand on his shoulder. "I've been watching you come in for a couple nights now and I was wondering if I could ask you for a dance." A shiver ran down Mulder's spine. "I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I don't--." "YOU!" A loud voice boomed from the other side of the room. There stood Richard Fish. "You get away from her!" He rushed up to them. "You have no right to hit on her! She's mine!" Mulder began to panic. "I didn't! She hit on me!" "That's ridiculous!" "Who are you?" Janet Reno finally spoke up. "And how come you've been stalking me through Boston for the past week? I will sue you for sexual harassment you hear?" But Richard completely ignored her. "You knew I had my eyes on her first!" he said to Mulder. "One woman just isn't enough for you, you have to go steal mine too?" "What?" Now Mulder was starting to get pissed. "She came on to me, I was going to turn her down until you came in making all these wild allegations." "Okay, smart guy, let's see how tough you really are." Richard backed away to give Mulder room. "Richard--.." Ally warned. "Hush, Ally, he doesn't scare me." "Fine." Mulder stood up. "You want to take this outside?" "Mulder! This is an outrage, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Scully was shocked. "No thanks, in here's fine. More witnesses when I take you down." Richard was so cocky and confident it was pitiful. "Hey, you asked for it." Mulder's fist collided with Richard's jaw. "Fight, fight fight!!!!" Someone yelled in the back. In no time they were on the floor, wrestling, trying to tear each other's hair out. "Mulder, stop!" Scully cried. "You're only gonna bruise your knuckles from punching him." "But-he-.started--it!" The pierce whistle rang through the air. "Okay, that's enough, you two come with me." The cops pulled Richard and Mulder up and hauled them out the back door. Scully sighed. She could hear the police go, "First, guys with no clothes then a sissy fight. That's more excitement than I can handle in one night." She glanced around. Ally and Billy were nowhere to be found. "Where are they?" "I think Billy walked her home," John answered. Elaine walked in. "What did I miss?" John retold the story. "I missed the fight?" Elaine searched around her purse. "Yeah, and I can't believe Ally and Billy would just ditch us like that," Scully said, shaking her head. "Billy?" Elaine laughed. "Billy's been home all day. Turns out Georgia got pneumonia. I just talked to him. He said he's not coming back until Friday." "But Billy was here--.." "But she has a roommate, right?" "She's gone on a ski trip." "I have to go." Scully ran out before Billy or Elaine could say a word. In Ally's apartment------ "So what do you want to talk about?" Ally handed Billy a glass of wine. "I don't know." He lowered his eyes. "Maybe about what happened to us--" Ally's head shot up. She took a sip from her glass of wine. "Oh?" she said lightly. She laughed softly. "Um, what is there to talk about?" "I still have feelings for you," he said truthfully. "Billy!" Ally stood up. "You're married to Georgia. How can you say that? We agree not to talk about-" "I know, I know. But I've always loved you. You don't have ANY feelings for me at all?" "Of course not!" She sat back down. "Billy, I--." "Georgia doesn't need to know. It would only hurt and upset her. No one will know about us other than you and me." Billy gazed into her eyes. "Ally-.." Ally was hypnotized. She saw Billy lean over and she closed her eyes slightly waiting for the contact of their lips- "Stop!" The door banged open. Scully thrust the gun at Billy's face. "Eddie Van Blundht, you're under arrest!" "Dana, what are-." She gasped when she saw who was with her. "Billy?" She turned back to the man sitting next to her. It was the janitor she ran into. "Ah!" She screamed and fell backwards off the sofa. "Are you all right?" Billy asked. "I'm fine." Ally got up quickly. She felt her head. "Oh, my head hurts. Well, if you don't mine, I'd like to get some sleep-" "Ally. Maybe we should talk about this," Billy said with concern. Scully cuffed Eddie. "Well, if you don't mind, I'm off to bail my partner out of jail." After they left, Billy walked over to Ally. "What happened?" "No, stop right there." Ally closed her eyes. "I thought it was you. Sure it looked like you, it sounded like you, he walked me home, said he wanted to talk, we drank wine, you, I mean he said he still had feelings for me, and was gonna kiss me when you and Dana came barging in stopping him in the process." She took a deep breath. "That's about it." "How could you believe he was me? I thought you knew me well enough to know-." "That you could never be interested in me like that again? Yes, I know. But maybe, maybe that's what I wanted to hear." She found the courage to look at him. "Maybe it's what I always wished would happened." "Ally, I DO have feelings for you. There's always gonna be that tension between us. But I love Georgia," Billy said gently. She nodded. "You know, I'm really tired right now. I think I'm going to go to bed." "Okay." He walked to the door. Ally headed for her room. "Ally?" "Yes?" She turned back around. Billy opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it again. `never mind." Then he left. The next day---- Mulder and Scully stopped by the firm to say goodbye before they caught the plane back to Washington. "Are you okay?" Scully said. "Yeah." Ally gave them a sad smile. "I'll live." "You should come visit us in DC sometime," Mulder offered. "Sure. Maybe." The Biscuit approached them. "Where's Richard?" "Wait, I thought you bailed him out." "No, I assumed you would." Ally looked slyly at him. "Should we leave him in there for a couple more hours?" Everyone stopped. "YES!!!!" they yelled. "For the good of mankind," Mulder mumbled. "Bye, Ally," Scully said, getting into the elevator with Mulder. "Bye!" Ally glanced out the window. Brilliant sunlight streamed through. Another day. The End Okay, this is the part where I beg for feedback!!!!!!!!! My e-mail address is