Title: Mad About Your Co-Worker Author: Lynn Mander Email: suemander@hotmail.com Classification: Comedy, MSR Spoilers: Empedocles; plus general references to cases thru Season 8. Rating: General Feedback: Always welcome! Summary: An "official" FBI memo clarifies for Mulder the difference between being married and just working together. Disclaimer: Even though they have all long abandoned their commitment, I begrudgingly concede that the characters belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox. No copyright infringement intended. * * * * * * Author's Notes: I don't know about anyone else but the little Mad About You reference seemed contrived. In fact, after eight (nine?) years and all they've been through, Mulder's "we just work together" line seemed a bit .. pointed. I don't know about anyone else, but I've had lots of great co-workers, some of whom even became friends, but no one has ever offered to donate sperm or called me their touchstone. This is my first post, so I'm a newbie. I don't claim to be a writer but couldn't let this pass. I'd love it if someone would take the challenge of writing a follow-up piece to this. Thanks to all the fanfic writers who have stuck around for years - you know who you are you're my inspiration! * * * * * * * * * * Title: Mad About Your Co-Worker Empedocles.. excerpt: Scully: "You wanna come in. I feel like I'm stuck in an episode of Mad About You." Mulder: "Well, yeah, but small technicality, Mad About You was about a married couple, and we just work together." At first she disregarded his comment. She knew it was just part of his tendency lately of trying to distance himself from her and her pregnancy. Later, however, upon checking her office e-mail, she realized there was a very good explanation for Mulder's emphatic statement. Obviously, conscious of his tenuous position within the FBI, he took the recent bureau-wide memo a little too much to heart. * * * * * * Federal Bureau of Investigation - Washington Bureau Memo from the Desk of the Director of Human Resources PLEASE CIRCULATE TO: All FBI - Washington Bureau Employees: RE: Guidelines On How to Distinguish A Co-worker From Your Spouse DATE:April 15, 2001 It has come to my attention that many federal employees have become confused about the difference between being married and being co-workers. This confusion is especially prevalent with agents in long term partnerships and who are, therefore, more vulnerable to crossing the line into inappropriate behavior. Due to the severity of this situation and the damaging repercussions of such misunderstandings, not only in the execution of official FBI duties, but also for reasons of national security, it is imperative that all employees take the time to refresh themselves with official policy. Please take note of the FBI's regulations on maintaining the very delicate balance between your personal and professional lives. While, under certain conditions, it is understandable that confusion and gray areas may arise, there are very clear guidelines to distinguish between these two categories and it is important for each and every employee to become familiar with these guidelines. In order that there be no question as to the significant differences between these two states, I have taken the liberty of spelling out 25 unique conditions, using specific examples where necessary, as follows: MARRIED: You live together. CO-WORKER: You spend all your free time together. You have a key to her apartment while he/she has your key to your place. MARRIED: You tell him/her that you love him/her. CO-WORKER: You declare your love for her while on painkillers, then later you tell her she's your one in five billion. MARRIED: You touch base as you leave the office every day. CO-WORKER: You call him/her about twenty times a day. He/She's #1 on your speed dial. MARRIED: You put up with the in-laws, except your brother-in-law. CO-WORKER: You adore her mother and her brother hates you - just like every other dysfunctional American family. MARRIED: You can't hide your adoration of your spouse. CO-WORKER: You gaze at your partner whenever you think she's not looking MARRIED: You celebrate holidays with each other. CO-WORKER: You use any excuse to drag her out on cases, especially on Christmas or New Year's Eve. You choose to spend Christmas morning with your partner rather than with your family opening presents. MARRIED: You share expenses, bank accounts and business transactions. CO-WORKERS: You deposit each others pay cheques, know each others PIN #s and pay each others bills. You are listed as next of kin on each others wills and insurance policies. MARRIED: You worry about each other safety. CO-WORKER: You will shoot your partner in order to protect him/her. MARRIED: You share secrets with each other that no one else knows. CO-WORKER: You know each other computer passwords. You remember what each of you eats for breakfast, lunch and dinner. MARRIED: You confide in each other with heartfelt words of commitment CO-WORKER: You write long journal entries to your partner as you struggle with cancer. You each declare that you are each others' touchstone. MARRIED: When your spouse goes missing, you file a report and wait anxiously for any news. CO-WORKER: You go to the ends of the earth to single-handedly rescue your partner, involving as needed, private jets, Sno-cats in the Antarctic, helicopters and tanker ships. MARRIED: When your spouse dies, you mourn and try to get on with your life. CO-WORKER: When your partner dies, you continue to pay all his bills, feed his fish, pay rent on his apartment and hire a cleaning service to keep it clean for three months. MARRIED: When you get sick, your spouse takes care of you with TLC. CO-WORKER: You drive your ailing partner for several days across the country in order to protect him. MARRIED: You raise a family together either through procreation or adoption. CO-WORKER: You take it upon yourself to claim your partner's ova for an undisclosed length of time; then you agree to donate your sperm so she can get pregnant. MARRIED: You spend free time together doing things you both enjoy. CO-WORKER: After a long day at the office, you spend evenings together watching videos and drinking beer or sharing a pizza. MARRIED: You display affection with each other on a regular basis. CO-WORKER: You take every opportunity to touch your partner - with a hand at her back as you walk alongside, brushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear, cupping her cheek, pretending to check his temperature by rubbing your hand over forehead and yes, even holding hands, kissing and hugging on occasion. MARRIED: Your spouse is the first person you think of in times of need. CO-WORKER: You scream out your partner's name any time you have a nightmare. MARRIED: Personal cost is no obstacle when your spouse needs you. CO-WORKER: You fly to San Diego on your own dime to support your partner's adoption interview. MARRIED: You go on holidays together. CO-WORKER: On a month long leave without pay, you fly out to Hollywood together. MARRIED: You tend to share time with a small circle of close friends. CO-WORKER You trust no one but each other. MARRIED: At times you must put your spouse's needs before your own. CO-WORKER: You stay awake all night so your injured partner can sleep in your lap when you're lost in the woods. MARRIED: When your spouse goes missing, you are consoled by having his/her things around as a reminder. CO-WORKER: When your co-worker goes missing, you make frequent visits to his apartment, take a nap in his bed whilst deeply inhaling his scent from one of his dress shirts. MARRIED: When you bicker, people around you say you're acting like an old married couple. CO-WORKER: When you bicker, strangers assume you are an old married couple. MARRIED: You attend Lamaze classes to act as coach for your pregnant spouse. CO-WORKER: You attend Lamaze classes to act as coach for your pregnant partner. AND FINALLY ... MARRIED: You call each other by pet names. CO-WORKER: You call each other by surname only as all professionals should . end Thanks for reading. :)