The Gunmen Personals By Hawthorne Kessler hawthorne@usinternet.com Rating: PG (part one), NC-17 (part two) Category: H,S,A, MSR Feedback: I thrive mentally, spiritually and physically on feedback, so yes, please (hawthorne@usinternet.com) Archive: Yes--anywhere is fine, but archive in it's entirety, and please let me know where it's going. Disclaimer: All I own is the plot... Author's Notes: This is a companion piece to "The Gunmen Gossip Page", not a sequel. I also freely admit I'm an unrepentant slack-off, and I therefore make no excuses for the fact that I haven't posted anything in a while... The sexual activity and be found in part two... yes, I'm finally posting smut. God knows I'm not getting any in real life (my problem, not yours), so I have finally decided to write my heart's desires... Summary: The proverbial lightbulb flickers on at the Lone Gunmen office as the boys try to figure out what to get Scully for her birthday. The Lone Gunmen Office Tuesday, 3:30pm "I still say the red thingy." "It'd clash with her hair!" "It would look great on her. A burlap sack would look great on her." "I agree, man, it's just that... it's a bit... kinky. I mean, this is Scully we're talking about!" "You're damn right it's Scully, Langly. That's why I say we get her the red lace teddie on page five!" Langly threw the Victoria's Secret catalogue at Byers, who was sitting a few feet away, watching his friends argue over what to get Agent Scully for her birthday. He picked up the book with wide eyes. "What do you want me to do with this?" "Pick something," Langly ordered. "Who, me?" "Yeah, you, Byers!" He began leafing through the pages nervously. "Um, okay... there's... no, not... how about... well, jeez!" He threw the catalogue back at Langly and wiped his suddenly sweaty palms over his pants to dry them. "I don't know what to get her! The stuff in there, well... it's kind of... And who's she gonna wear it for, anyway? It's the kind of stuff you buy, at least I think, to turn on a guy... or something... I don't know! Don't ask me!" "Oh, my God, that's it!" Frohike exclaimed, his face lighting up with a huge grin. "Byers, I'll never say this again, and if you repeat it, I'll go medieval on your ass, but you're a genius!" Byers looked perplexed. "I am?" "Oh, yeah. Boys, never fear, I've just realized what we can get Agent Scully for her birthday." "What?" Byers asked, still confused. Langly looked skeptical. "Yeah, Trollman... what." Frohike crossed his arms over his chest and announced in a smug voice born from the glory of inspiration: "A *man*!" Dana Scully's apartment She unlocked the door and opened it wearily. Mulder trudged in behind her and promptly dropped her bag and suitcase, which he had chivalrously offered to carry for her, onto the floor. They both made a beeline for the sofa and collapsed upon it, at opposite ends, with perfectly synchronized "Whoof!"'s. "I am so tired," Scully muttered, barely moving her lips. "Oh, please, Scully. *I'm* so tired," Mulder responded with just as little energy. "God, what an awful flight." "Three connecting flights, two four hour stand-bys, and a screaming child the last five hours in a sardine can from hell plane. The word 'awful' is, I think, one of the most profound uses of understatement I have ever heard." "Shut up, Mulder." " 'Kay." They sat in silence for several minutes, feeling the tension drain from their bodies. Scully lazily reached one hand over and hit her answering machine so she could retrieve her messages. It beeped and the mechanical voice intoned: *"You have... ninety-eight... new messages"* She and Mulder bolted upright. "What the hell?" she shrieked. "We've been gone two days!" She turned to her partner, her eyes glittering. "What did you do, Mulder?" He held up his hands defensively. "Whoa, Jesus, Scully, I didn't do anything!" She pushed the 'play' button. *"First message..."* "Um, Scully? This is Frohike. Me and Langly and Byers, well, not so much Byers, we wanted to wish you a happy birthday, and we wanted to get you something really nice, so... well, we did something for you... here, Langly will tell you..." "Hey, Scully? It's Langly. Happy birthday... okay, so we placed an ad for you in our newsletter..." "Read it already, you tool!" "Shut up, I'm gonna! Okay, here it is: So what do you think? Pretty cool, huh? We thought it covered all the bases." "Give Byers the phone!" ..."Um, Agent Scully? I just wanted you to know that I voted against this, so... here's Frohike...' "He can live," Scully seethed. "The other two die." "So, okay, Scully? Frohike again... I hope it's okay. We just felt-" "I didn't!" "Shut *up*, Byers! We know how lonely you must be, what with you working all the time, and everything, and God knows Mulder'll never pull his head out of his ass-" "Don't tell her that, are you crazy?" "Langly, don't you have a blow-up doll you can go--" Beep! *"Second Message."* "Scully? Frohike again. Sorry about that... anyway, happy birthday... and good luck." Beep! *"Third message."* "Scully? This is Melvin Frohike. I just... well, this is probably dumb, but would you like to go out with me? I like to walk, and candles are cool, and I'm one-third owner of a bitchin' VW van, and I don't live with my parents... although Mom still claims me as a dependent... And I'm pretty effective with the chicks, if you know what I mean, so, you know... call me if you hear anything you like. And Scully? Could you erase this when you're done? I wouldn't want Mulder to think I'm grooving into his territory. Thanks. Bye." *"Fourth message."* Scully hit the 'pause' button. "Oh, my everloving God. This can't be happening. This cannot be happening!" Mulder fell off the sofa onto the floor, his arms wrapped around his middle as he laughed harder than he ever had in his entire life. "Knock it off, Mulder!" she screamed, throwing a pillow at him. ********************* Dana Scully's Apartment *"Message seventy-nine."* "Yeah, this is Ritchie, but all my friends call me Gizzard, short for Gizmo Wizard. Damn, you sound *hot*!" Dana sat cross-legged on one corner of the sofa, a glass of wine in one hand, a pen in the other, and a pad of paper balanced precariously on one knee. When she and Mulder had arrived at her place an hour ago, they had both been exhausted beyond belief. Now, due to the evening's unscheduled 'entertainment', they were both wide awake. *"Message eighty."* "Yo! Scully! It's Frohike again. So, am I turning you on yet?" Scully glanced over at Mulder, who was sprawled out on her floor, one of the pillows she had thrown at him now comfortably cradling his head. "That's ten for Frohike. I'm starting to think he may have feelings for me." "Scully, Frohike thinks you're sex in a teacup." "Really?" She put a star next to Frohike's name. *"Message eighty-one."* "Helllooooo, sexy mama!" "Oh, Scully, he's the one!" Mulder hooted. She chuckled and took a sip of her wine. Shock, horror, and sheer disbelief had been her first reaction to the 'gift' she had recieved from the Gunmen. Then she felt humiliated that three, albeit well-meaning, idiots decided she needed a man as a present. The fact that they placed an ad for her in their newsletter, and included her phone number, thereby opening the door for a whole bevy of "The Lone Gunman" subscribers... holy shit! The frosting on the cake was that Mulder was here to witness the debacle. His ten-minute-long laughing fit hadn't helped much, either. It was simply several of her worst nightmares come true: she had a personal ad floating out there begging for a man to come save her from terminal loneliness... her terminal loneliness was evidently evident to others, despite the cool, detatched, professional and independant facade she strove to maintain... and Mulder was there as witness to her pathetically lonely life. She casted another look in his direction. She knew he loved her in his own way. She also knew he was as lonely as she was. He was amused by what was going on, but what else was he feeling? Was he happy for the enthusiastic response? Was he, dare she hope, the tiniest bit jealous? Mulder could feel her stare. If only she knew the emotions that ran through him right now... Yeah, he thought the whole idea was hilarious, but he was mostly angry. He was angry the Gunmen had humiliated her by making her the target for a load of strange men. He was angry they said he'd never make a move for her. The truth was, he wanted to, more than anything, but he was scared to death of rejection. Had he been confident she would reciprocate and not laugh in his face, he would have made a move a long time ago. As he watched her now, duly writing every caller's name, laughing often, even seriously considering a few offers, he realized she would possibly be open to his suggestion they move their relationship to a new level. If it was obvious to the Gunmen that she was lonely, it must be pretty damn obvious. He wanted to slap himself in the face for not having recognized it sooner. They were both lonely apart, but not when they were together. And were they to go on to a physical relationship, well, hell!... *"Message eighty-two"* "Hi, my name's Jake. I'm thirty-six, five-ten, one-hundred-sixty-pounds. I've never answered any of these before, but your ad caught my eye. I feel kind of stupid doing this. Anyway, I'm a widower with two little girls..."* Mulder panicked at the interest he saw peaking on Scully's face and jumped up, announcing he had to go to the bathroom. Once there, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. Her phone rang and her first instinct was to answer it, but quickly decided not to get involved in person with anyone. She heard her own voice on the recorder and then: "Is this the stunningly gorgeous red-headed love goddess? This is your equally stunning partner looking to pull his head out of his ass. If this interests you, meet me in your bedroom." "Mulder, don't be an idiot," she called. "I'm trying not to be, Scully, I really am!" he called back. "Get in here, the messages aren't done yet!" "No, I think you should come in here." She sighed, put her wine glass, pen and paper on her coffee table and padded softly through the bathroom to her bedroom. Her eyes widened as she took in Mulder, laying on her bed, the candles he lit casting him in a beautiful shade of gold. "What are you doing?" she asked nervously. "I told you, I need help with my head. It's buried so far I can't see what's right in front of me." She rolled her eyes. "Mulder, you're not funny." "Good, I'm not trying to be." She stood rooted in place, getting very confused and nervous. "What are you doing, Mulder?" "I'm trying to tell you... that I want to answer your ad. I'm trying to tell you that I don't want any of those men to ever get to see you. I've been listening to those men, hearing their voices. They want you, and they don't even know you. I realized the want I heard in their voices, I can hear in mine. I've known you for six years, Scully." He walked towards her slowly, carefully monitoring her response. "You're lonely, Scully. So am I. We've done a lot of stuff togeter, but we're still apart. Why is that? Why do we have to be lonely when we have each other?" "Mulder," she whispered, her eyes tearing. "I'm trying to tell you that I love you. I'm trying to tell you that I want you. I want to kiss you. I want to make love to you. I want us to not be lonely together. And then I want to go for a long walk, and have a candle-light dinner. With you. Does that sound alright? If so, please reply. And erase this message when you're done. I wouldn't want Frohike to think I've ruined his chances." She was crying openly as she lunged at him, wrapping her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck. "Oh, god, Mulder, I love you. I love you. This is the best birthday ever." "We'll have to thank the boys." "Definitely." He held her to him for several moments, then said, "Scully? I wasn't too sappy for you, was I?" "Mulder, I've seen maple trees with less sap. Lucky for you, despite my tough exterior, I love sappy. I go wacky over sappy." He pulled back to look at her and made a face. "Oh, please," he laughed. She smiled back. Then their heads began moving forward, his tilting to the right, hers to the left, and slowly but surely, their lips touched for the first time. From there it exploded. Their tongues tangled and dueled and thrusted, their lips jockeying frantically for the best position. They moaned, they sighed... "WaitWaitWaitWait!" Scully hissed, pulling away. He stared at her in shock. "Are you kidding?" "No, listen!" They cocked their heads and heard Frohike's voice on the machine, singing: "Did you ever know that you're my hero/ and everything I would like to be/ I can fly higher than an eagle/ for you are the wind beneath my wings." "Oh, god!" Mulder roared. Scully arched back in his arms, convulsing with gut-deep howls of laughter. He moved them to the bed and fell backwards onto it, Scully on top. She sat up, straddling his hips, and, still giggling, began to unbutton his shirt. "I love seeing you laugh," he murmured. Her fit began to wane as the reality of what they were about to do began to set in. "Mulder, I'm not really sure... it has been a while for me, and I don't want to disappoint you." He sat up and in one quick motion, pulled her sweater up over her head. "You couldn't possibly disappoint me." She nodded shakily and resumed the removal of his shirt. Her palms came to rest over his hard pecs. His hands came up and brushed lightly over her breasts. She gasped, her nipples hardening at the light touch. He reached behind her and unclasped her bra, pulling the straps down her arms slowly. Embarrassed, her hands came up to cover her breasts. "Let me see," he whispered. Her head fell forward, her hair obscuring her face. She let her fingers part ever-so-slightly, until her hard nipples were exposed. Mulder leaned forward and flicked his tongue over the tip of her right nipple, and between her index and middle finger. She gasped again and began breathing deeply and quickly. He licked again, and gently but firmly grasped her wrists to pull her hands away. That done, he latched onto her breast with a hungry mouth. He sucked hard, and she let out a screech of surprise. He moved to the other breast, whereupon he nibbled and licked and sucked until she was moaning continously. "Is this good for you?" he asked. She placed her hands on either side of his face and pulled his lips up to meet hers. "God, it's good," she whimpered into his mouth. She pushed him down so he lay on his back, and began kissing her way down his hard chest, paying close attention to his nipples. He moaned as she had, and that encouraged her. Jesus, it had been a long time since she had done this with a man. Even though she was incredibly aroused, she was equally nervous. She only hoped he was having as good a time as she. When she got to the waist of his trousers, she pulled them down just a bit and ran her tongue around his navel. She could feel the muscles jerk beneath her mouth. She ran her fingertips lightly over the hard bulge under the zipper of his pants. She looked up at him and whispered, "I want this," as she unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. He groaned wildly as she opened the fly and reached into the opening of his boxers to stroke her hand over his huge erection. He lifted his hips and she tugged his pants and boxers down his thighs, and off his legs completely. His cock rose high and hard under her awed gaze. "Mulder, you're... I'm not sure..." He sifted his fingers through her hair. "Relax, Scully, it'll work, I promise." She dropped her head and kissed the head of his shaft lightly. "Oh, Christ!" She swirled her tongue around him over and over again. "Don--don't--st-st-stop..." She took him deeply within her blazing hot mouth. "Oh, God!!" He grabbed her upper arms and dragged her up the length of is body, breathing hard. "Stop, Scully. I don't want to come in your mouth. I want this." He reached between her legs and pressed hard with his palm. She yelped and pressed back with her hips. He flipped her over onto her back and copied her earlier technique, licking his way down her torso. He removed her jeans and underwear with shaking hands. As her naked body was revealed to him, he could only stare with lust. Her skin was smooth and pale. The thatch of curls between her legs glistened with the proof of her eagerness and willingness to do this with him. "I want this," he husked as he brushed his fingertips through the curls. He dropped his head and flicked his tongue over her clitoris. "Oh!" He nibbled her lightly with his teeth. "Jeeeezzzus, Mulder!" He used his fingers to pull her labia apart and proceeded to suck and lick her wet, hot flesh with a vengence. When she finally came, it was with a blood-curdling scream. Mulder had to place his hand over her stomach to prevent her from lifting up off the bed. While she still rode the waves of her orgasm, he raised himself up over her, and positioned himself between her legs. He pressed into her opening slowly, letting her adjust to the size of his cock. "Is this okay?" he asked, panting. "Am I hurting you?" She shook her head. "No, no, it's okay. It's okay, Mulder. Keep going. Please, keep going." He moaned as he felt himself being pulled in by the contractions of her body. "Can you feel me, Mulder? You did that." He smiled in awe. "And I'll do it again," he assured her as he leaned down and captured her lips with his. "Oh, yeah, this feels good. You feel so fucking good." "You too... so... oh! Harder, Mulder. Deeper. I want you all the way... harder." "I don't... want... to hurt... you," he grunted as he pounded into her body. "You won't, you won't, I... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..." She dug her nails into the hard muscles of his back. "Come, Scully. Please, come for me," he gritted out desperately, knowing he wasn't going to last much longer. Just as his vision began to go black, she arched up beneath him with a strangled cry. He felt her powerful inner muscles pull on him unmercifully, and he finally let himself come with a deep groan of ecstacy. Yeah, it had been relatively quick, but damn, what a ride, Scully thought with a smile of pure contentment. They fell asleep, wrapped in each other's arms. They awoke at about four in the morning to make love again, this time slowly. Afterwards, as they lay together in the pre-dawn light, they pondered how to get back at the Gunmen for what they had done to Scully... The next day The Lone Gunman office "I-I-I-... I'm sorry, okay! Sheesh! What do you want from me? Hey, watch the language, buddy! Oh yeah? So's your mother!" Langly slammed the phone down. "Something's wrong," he said to Frohike. "That's the twenty-second call today from guys who've called Scully's number and gotten a weird message. They're threatening to sue us, and everything's a mess!" "Let's see what's goin' on," Frohike suggested, dialing Scully's number. He hit the button for the speaker phone so they could both hear: *"Hello, you've reached the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Your call is being monitored and recorded in conjunction with an investigation dealing with suspected activities regarding the newsletter known as "The Lone Gunman", and its subscribers. In some cases, your call may be traced. Thank you for your cooperation."* Frohike looked like he was about to faint. Langly shook his head in disgust. "Jesus, hitting "The Gunman" where it hurts... government monitoring. Low, low, low blow." "I think I may have hurt my chances with Agent Scully," Frohike said forlornly. Byers walked into the room, noticing at once the faces of woe. "What's your problem?" "Apparently Scully didn't appreciate the gift we gave her," Langly responded. "And now we've got a butt-load of horny men calling us, threatening to sue." "Well, if I may, I'd like to make a suggestion..." Dana Scully's apartment One hour later She heard the phone ring, but let the machine get it. Mulder was currently cuddled up with her on the sofa, nuzzling the back of her neck. "Hey, Scully? This is Frohike. I guess you didn't like the gift, and that's okay, but did you have to put that message on your recorder?" "Yeah, Scully, low blow!" "Shut up, hippie-boy! Anyway, at the request of Byers, we're gonna print a retraction for you, and it goes like this: We left it open like that just in case you do change your mind. Oh, and, uh, Scully? Did you give any thought to my offer? You know what they say: once you've had Melvin Frohike, you'll never go hungry again!" "Oh, No-hike, you are so full of crap! Once they've had Melvin Frohike, they need to go on to the main dish!" "Shut up, Langly, you long-haired, freak! Why don't you-" BEEP! The End Notes: Thanks to those who write me letting me know they enjoyed my work. Special thanks to Exley61 for some of the best inspiration around. Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think! Thora