I wrote this story because I have received so many requests for a sequel to "You
Are Far."  It took me quite a long time to even start it because I just couldn't
think of a way to get Mulder out of trouble. <g>  But, I think I managed it - 
and I tried to do it in a realistic way.

DISCLAIMER:  I. DON'T. OWN. THEM.  Clear enough? <g>  But I DID create the nice 
Agent Simon Hawk, M.D. 

THANKS:  I must thank all the people who read "You Are Far" and wrote to me 
asking for a sequel.

CREDIT:  The snippets of songs I use to start off each section are obviously not 
mine.

CLASSIFICATION: SRA. MSR. Slightly alternate universe.

RATING:  PG.

SPOILERS: Events about Scully's health revealed in the Leonard Betts/Memento 
Mori arc do not apply. Takes place a few months after "The End" but before the 
movie, and Fowley is not wounded.  So really, no spoilers at all.

HISTORY and SUMMARY:  After the events in "You Are Far," Scully left the X-Files 
for Quantico and the VCS. She and Mulder haven't seen each other in two years, 
and he has a new partner, and she, a colleague.  Mulder and Scully must work 
together again after two long years apart.  They must find out if they can say 
truly goodbye, or if they want a love that "cuts both ways."

COMMENTS:  send all mail to:  starbuck@csrlink.net

----------------------------------------------------------

CUTS BOTH WAYS
sequel to YOU ARE FAR

"What's meant to be will always find a way."

Washington, D.C.
Stunt Street
2:30 pm
June, 1998
----------------------------------
Our love is like a knife that cuts both ways
It's driven deep into my heart each time
Can't be together
Cannot live apart
We're heading straight into a broken heart
----------------------------------


The sun beat down onto the sidewalk and bounced back in solar waves.  
There hadn't been rain for weeks, and it seemed as though the very land 
was dying of thirst.  The grass was going brown and the trees were wilting 
like cut flowers.  A group of FBI agents swathed in dark windbreakers 
stood in a group beside a building like a flock of crows waiting to take 
flight.

Mulder walked down the sidewalk with a purposeful stride, his 
windbreaker flapping open.  His eyes were hard and dark, and he was in 
full case mode - intense and distant.

Diana Fowley walked beside him, looking meek in the wake of his 
severity.  Her medium-length dark hair hung around her long face, making 
it look drawn and her older than she was.  The dark red lipstick she chose 
only added more years instead of taking them away, as she hoped.

She swallowed and took a deep breath.  "Fox?"

Mulder cringed inwardly at the use of his first name.  He *hated* it when 
she called him that, but every time he tried to tell her to stop, something 
more important happened.

He sighed.  "What?"

"Why do you think they called you down here?  This probably isn't an X-
File."

Mulder nodded, but did not stop walking.  "I know.  I guess they just 
wanted some help with the profile."

"Is that okay with you?"

Mulder looked down at her and realized that she was just trying to be a 
good friend.  He knew she wanted more than that, but he just wasn't 
ready.  And he wasn't sure if he'd ever be ready to be more than friends 
with Diana.  Not again.  He had met her soon after his graduation from the 
Academy, and he had still been hurting from the damage Phoebe had 
caused him.  Diana had seemed kind to him, and she was also interested 
in the paranormal.  But soon after he discovered the X-Files, she had 
become disenchanted with him and happily allowed herself to be lured 
away to Europe and a flashy assignment.

Mulder knew he had never loved her.  It was more like she had been a 
comfort to him.  She had kept his deep loneliness at bay for the most part.  
And she was a friend to him.

He had been shocked when she had returned to America and helped him 
with the case of Gibson Praise.  It had felt good to see her again, but he 
had no desire to reunite with her in any romantic way.  Scully had stolen 
his heart years before, he had realized, and no one short of some god 
could get it back for him.

But it HAD felt good working with someone who thought like he did.  There 
were no fights - no skepticism - nothing to deal with.  She believed in the 
paranormal, and she never contradicted him on anything.  She was right 
there with him, thinking the same thing.

And though it was nice, he kept remembering that line from evolution 
about how two species of like kinds cannot occupy the same niche.

He and Diana were like kinds in that way, and he was beginning to realize 
that they didn't make good partners.  He would probably ask for her 
transfer soon.  They weren't a team.  They weren't yin and yang - they 
were just yang.  Just a half-circle that could never be completed.

He stopped himself before he could go any further down that path, and 
spoke to Diana.

"Yes, it's fine with me.  You don't have to walk on eggshells around me, 
Diana.  I can handle working on cases that aren't X-Files.  In the past, I did 
it a lot."

Suddenly, Diana's eyes were like dark chips of ice:  sharp and narrow.  
"With *Scully*."  She spat the name out like it was a curse.

"Yes, with Scully."

Mulder sighed again, not wanting to get into another discussion about 
Scully.  In fact, he tried to avoid talking about Scully at all.  He never 
volunteered information about her.  Diana was always the one to ask 
about Scully.  And those discussions always deteriorated into arguments 
where he defended Scully, and she attacked her.

Mulder just couldn't understand what Diana's problem was with Scully.  It 
wasn't as if they saw her every other day.  Mulder hadn't seen Scully in 
two years.  From what he had heard, she had gone back to Quantico for a 
while, and then been called to the VCS.  He knew - and the FBI knew - 
that she was too good an agent to let go to waste in Quantico.  And even 
though they worked in the same building, he and Diana never ran into 
Scully.

Deep inside, Mulder knew that they never ran into Scully because Scully 
wouldn't allow it.  When she had left on that day that seemed so long ago 
and like it was yesterday all at once, she had meant it.  She wasn't coming 
back.  Ever.

Mulder wished that Diana wouldn't talk about Scully the way she did.  It 
only made his heart ache more than it did normally.  Because he wished - 
every day and night - that he could go back in time and make a different 
decision than he had on that fateful day.

He wanted to see her again more than he wanted his next breath.
************************
Fontanel Residence
Apartment 24
3:00 pm
----------------------------------
Darling, I'm killed
I'm in a puddle on the floor
Waiting for you to return
----------------------------------


Mulder knelt next to the body, having already investigated the rest of the 
crime scene.  The victim, a young woman named Chloe Fontanel, was 
dead from an unknown cause.  The longer Mulder was in the apartment, 
the more something felt off to him.  He was entertaining the idea that she 
had known her attacker - maybe even that he had poisoned her just to 
watch her die.

But he couldn't go much further before the body was examined.

He looked up at Diana and the police detective standing next to her.  
"Where's the pathologist?"

The detective shrugged.  He was a middle-aged man who looked like he 
had a big mortgage and kids getting ready for college to worry about.  
"When I put the call in to the Bureau, they said they'd send a pathologist 
over.  I thought he'd be coming with you."

"No," said Mulder, shaking his head.

The detective pulled out his walkie-talkie and said, "Lieutenant Harris, 
where's that ME from the FBI?"

There was a burst of static, and then Harris answered.  "She just got 
here."

The detective turned back to Mulder and Fowley.  "There you go.  She's 
coming."

Mulder nodded, stood, and walked into the bedroom with Fowley, wanting 
to take another look at the victim's more personal possessions.  As 
Fowley told him more of the woman's background, he looked out into the 
living room, where the body was.

"I wonder who they sent?"

The words were still hanging in the air when a petite woman with vibrant 
red hair came into view at the door.  As she talked to the officer at the 
door, time seemed to slip into slow motion for Mulder, and he watched in 
awe.

He watched as Scully walked through the doorway, then stopped, 
seeming to wait for someone.  Moments later, a man walked through the 
door, and Mulder's eyes narrowed as he watched the man walk beside 
Scully, leaning down once or twice to whisper something to her.  He was 
tall with dark, thick, slicked-back hair that allowed his face to have center 
stage.  It was a chiseled face, with a defined nose, and a cleft chin.

Scully never once looked into the bedroom.  She was too busy looking at 
the body, and she walked right past the bedroom and Mulder, not even 
noticing him.  She walked with the same purposeful stride as he 
remembered, but he thought she seemed more guarded.  Her hair was as 
red as ever, and just brushed the collar of her FBI jacket.   As he watched 
her move, Mulder thought she must have lost some weight in the two 
years since he had seen her last.  Her face seemed thinner, too, and 
looked as though she had gone through something emotionally traumatic 
recently.

Mulder's heart was doing flip-flops that would have made a gymnast 
jealous.  His breathing quickened and Fowley seemed to fade from 
existence.  He couldn't believe he was looking at Scully after all this time.  
Two long, hard, cold years had passed between them, but looking at her, 
it felt like their last moments together had been yesterday.

His breath still caught in his throat when he thought of the last time he had 
seen her.  He could still remember the exact words she had spoken, and 
the broken spirit hiding in her winterblue eyes.  He could still hear her 
voice, as she told him she was leaving:  "I've had a revelation, Mulder.  
I've come to realize that I'm no longer needed in this section."

Mulder closed his eyes momentarily, trying to chase the painful memories 
away.  Thoughts of that awful day plagued him relentlessly, and invaded 
his dreams, twisting them into nightmares.

"Is the pathologist here?"

Her whiny voice stole bits of his steel concentration from him the way 
those small fishes steal food from the sharks on which they ride.  He 
looked away from Scully for a moment to glance at Diana.

"Yeah."  It was all he could manage.

Fowley noticed his distress, and came to stand next to him, looking out 
into the living room.  She saw the woman immediately, and knew who she 
had to be.

"Is that her?" she asked, her voice edgy and curt.

Mulder nodded, lost in memories and emotions.

At that moment, the detective walked into the bedroom, and began telling 
them more about the victim's history.

Mulder tuned out a bit as the man talked.  He didn't have to listen, Diana 
would.  She was very dutiful, very thorough in that regard.  She was like 
Scully in a lot of ways, except that she believed and Scully did not.  After 
almost two years alone, Mulder had thought he might like to have a 
partner that believed.  But Diana had only been his partner for a few 
months, and already they were getting into trouble.

Though it might have pissed him off some of the time, Scully's scientific 
mind and rationalism had helped rather than hindered him.  Nowadays, he 
had to think like himself *and* think like Scully, and he couldn't afford to 
rely on Diana for much.

He missed Scully more than he could say.  He missed her for her 
guidance, her intelligence, her friendship, her trust, and her faith.  But in 
the end, during the long nights he had to face alone, he just missed Scully.

Finally, the detective finished, and Mulder turned to Diana, looking like a 
kid on Christmas morning.  "Come on, Diana.  Let's see what the 
pathologist has to say."

Diana hadn't missed Mulder's reaction to seeing Scully again.  She didn't 
know much about Mulder and Scully's partnership, but she knew that it 
had been tumultuous, deep, and that they had cared for each other.  They 
had been through a lot together, and Mulder must have been hurt badly 
when Scully left, because he still wouldn't really talk about her.  Diana 
knew that Scully was the only competition she would ever have to face.

As Mulder approached Scully and the man she had come with, he saw 
that she was talking to him.  Mulder knew it was pathetic, but he couldn't 
help a little sliver of jealousy from wrapping around his heart when he saw 
Scully close to another man.

Scully had been looking at the body, and didn't see Mulder approaching.  
She turned to face him at the last minute, and Mulder could see the 
emotions wash over her.  Her eyes turned a different shade of blue, and 
she pushed some of her hair back.  As he looked at her, Mulder was 
reminded of her beauty and grace, and he felt warm inside - like he had 
drunk a whole cup of cocoa.

"Hello, Mulder," she said finally, in that husky tone that always sent little 
shivers down Mulder's back.

And at that exact moment, Mulder didn't know what to say.  He wanted to 
impress her badly.  He wanted to make her laugh.  He wanted to grab her 
and hold her for a millennium.  Finally, he settled for the only words he 
could think of that would express his thoughts, no matter how poorly.

He held out his hand, praying she would take it, and said, "It's so nice to 
see you again, Scully."

He should have known not to doubt her.  She reached out and grasped his 
hand warmly, wrapping her fingers around his.  "It's nice to see you again, 
too, Mulder."

Mulder thought his heart might explode at her touch, and his eyebrows 
raised.  "Really?"  He hadn't detected any anger or bitterness in her voice.  
Could she have forgiven him?  Most likely, she had just moved on with her 
life and didn't care enough to be angry any more.

Scully even went so far as to smile slightly.  "Yes, Mulder, really."

And then she took her hand away, and Mulder felt as though he had been 
pushed into an icy river.  He suddenly realized that two other people were 
with them, and they had an important job to do.  The police were waiting 
for their comments and profile.

Mulder gestured to Diana, but did not look at her.  He didn't know how 
much time he would have with Scully, and he didn't intend to waste any of 
it.  He had been going through severe Scully Deprivation for two years.

"Uh, Scully, this is my.this is Agent Diana Fowley."

Scully looked at Diana, and in her usual dour demeanor said, "Agent 
Fowley."

"It's nice to finally meet you, Agent Scully.  I've heard of you in my travels 
with the Bureau."

Scully nodded, her mouth frozen in a hard line, and said, "This is my 
colleague, Dr. Simon Hawk."

Simon nodded to the group, and even shook Diana's hand.

Mulder didn't offer his hand.

Simon looked at Mulder darkly, then to Scully.  "I wasn't aware you two 
knew each other."

Scully looked directly at Mulder, her eyes unreadable.  "We were 
partners."

"For almost four years," finished Mulder as he looked at the big man with 
the dark hair and piercing blue eyes.  Thinking of Diana and Simon's 
names, he couldn't resist.  He wanted to get Scully to give him the look 
she gave him after he cracked a bad joke.  Mulder looked from Diana to 
Scully's partner to Scully, a quirky look on his face, and said, "Well, 
Fowley and Hawk, must be kismet."

Beside him, he felt Diana bristle, and Agent Hawk looked none too 
pleased, but he swore he saw something shine in Scully's eyes.  Perhaps 
some remnant of their old rapport.

Mulder decided that beggars couldn't be choosers.

"I should get going," said Scully, turning away from the group.  "Hawk and 
I have this autopsy to do."

Mulder's hand leapt out to grab Scully's arm.  "Scully, wait," he said, his 
voice a little too loud.

She looked at him expectantly, but her gaze was hard and he could tell 
she wouldn't stand for any of his nonsense.

"Um.are you the.pathologist, here, or acting as another investigating 
agent?"

Scully sighed.  "Right now, Mulder, Agent Hawk and I have been called in 
as forensic pathologist consults.  Nothing more.  But Assistant Director 
Kersh said that he may ask us to investigate as well."

Mulder nodded, trying desperately to come up with another question that 
would keep her with him longer.  "When do you think your report will be 
ready?"

Scully looked up at Hawk, and he could see them mentally comparing 
notes - something that he and Scully used to do.  "I'll drop it by your office 
tomorrow at ten."

Mulder was about to ask her something else, when Fowley cut in, her 
voice sounding strange and harsh.  "That will be fine, Agent Scully."

Scully looked at Diana strangely for a moment, and then nodded curtly.  
Turning towards the door, she and Hawk walked away and disappeared 
around the corner.

When they were gone, Fowley turned to Mulder, her eyes like chips of 
coal.  "Why didn't you just get down on one knee, Mulder?"

Mulder looked down at her, his eyes misty and sad.  He was too lost in 
feelings to catch her true meaning at first.  "Excuse me?"

Diana rolled her eyes.  "Forget it."

Mulder nodded, understanding dawning, as his eyes infused with some 
anger.  "Yes, I don't think you want to go down THAT particular road, 
Diana."

She looked up at him, wide-eyed.  "What is THAT supposed to mean?"

He shook his head, and moved off towards the door.  "Let's get going.  We 
have a profile to work on."
************************
Quantico, FBI Academy
Autopsy Bay # 4
6:00 pm
----------------------------------
Once I believed in things unseen
I was blinded by the dark
Out of the multitude to me
He came and broke my heart
------------------------


Scully stopped the autopsy to stretch her neck a little, her scapel poised 
above Chloe Fontanel's body.  She was halfway through the examination, 
and she still wasn't sure what had killed this girl.  There were no real 
wounds on the body, apart from some bruises on her forearms - most 
likely defense wounds.

She also had a very strange cut - a sideways 8 - on her left cheek that 
was not very deep.  Scully thought that the killer must have done it, but 
she couldn't fathom a reason as to why.  Obviously, he was marking the 
girl.  But marking her for what?

Scully took a deep breath and went back to work, checking the major 
organs for viability at the time of death.  As she worked, she glanced at 
the girl's face.  It must have been a pretty face when she was alive - but 
now death had stolen that beauty.  She had dark hair, and dark eyes.  Just 
like Mulder's new partner, Fowley.

Just thinking about their meeting earlier that day made Scully's face flush.  
She had felt like Mulder had betrayed her all over again.  Fowley was a 
classic example of a Mulder Girl:  tall, dark hair, beautiful.  Sometimes he 
went for the blondes, but he usually stuck to brunettes.  And Scully knew 
better than anyone that redheads didn't even make the cut.  She knew she 
shouldn't care any more, but she did.  She remembered how angry she 
had been that day so long ago when she had seen Mulder with the 
SRSG's secretary.  Women like that secretary and Fowley were the 
complete antithesis to her and that's why she could never compete.

She couldn't be something she wasn't.  She couldn't be any of the tall 
women with empty heads and beautiful faces that Mulder seemed to find 
so alluring.  During their time together, that part of it hadn't been too awful, 
but she also couldn't believe in all the ludicrous things that Mulder did.  It 
never meant she didn't believe in *him*, but somehow, somewhere along 
the line, that point had gotten muddied, and bitterness had bloomed 
between them.  She remembered looking at Diana, and wondering if 
Mulder was happy to be rid of her.

She wondered if it made Diana mad when he went running off at the 
slightest word from some dark informant.  Maybe Fowley didn't care - or 
maybe Mulder took Fowley with him.  After all, from what Scully had 
heard, Diana was a devout believer in all things precious and dear to 
Mulder:  aliens, monsters, abductions, hybrids, mutants, and the like.  
Maybe it was Diana that made Mulder forget all about the pretty blonde 
secretary from the UN.

Suddenly, Scully froze, her eyes wide with an odd mixture of pain and 
anger.  Why was she even thinking about this - about Mulder?  Why was 
she wasting any of her time on what he did now?  He didn't care about 
her.  He had made that painfully clear two years ago when, in a split-
second, he had chosen a pretty stranger over her.  What was she doing 
here?  Did she want to get pulled back into her feelings for Mulder just so 
she could force a situation where he would reject her one more time?

There was something wrong about her relationship with Mulder - 
something inherently bad about it.  She knew that now.  They had this sick 
need to hurt each other and push each other away - just to see who 
would give in first and come crawling back.

Scully shivered a bit at the thought, but forced herself to see that it was a 
truthful one.  She and Mulder had never shared anything real - anything 
lasting.  It was all a corrupt game of power and control and the need to 
punish.  It was as if some disease had taken them over; manipulated their 
cells and their hearts.

What difference did it make if she had actually loved him?  He had never 
loved her.  She wasn't even sure anymore if he had even liked her or even 
respected her as a colleague.  He hardly acted like it - unless he had 
needed something from her.  She had been nothing more than a loyal 
gopher and nothing less than an annoying bug to him.  The sad part was 
that it still tore her up inside.  She had given everything of herself to him 
and for his quest, and he had spit it all back in her face.

Scully looked down at her hand and saw that it was trembling.  Suddenly, 
the body before her made her nauseous, and she couldn't bear to look at 
it any more.  Pushing herself away from the table, she whirled around and 
headed for the door, her vision blurred by tears.  She called out Hawk's 
name as she stumbled along.
************************
Quantico, FBI Academy
Dr. Simon Hawk's Office
6:45 pm
------------------------
I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over say goodbye
------------------------


Scully sipped some water and tried to get herself under control.  She 
hadn't been able to make the tears stop for over half an hour now.  They 
just kept coming as if she had a well of sorrow inside her.  She hadn't 
realized how tightly guarded she had kept her feelings about Mulder.  
Scully knew now that she had never really dealt with the pain that Mulder 
had caused her.  On that day that she had left, she had simply pushed her 
feelings away, thinking she could just turn them off.

But she couldn't do that, she realized.  They lurked beneath the cracks of 
her broken heart.  Inside the darkest part of her soul, they waited to 
ambush her when she least expected it.

"Dana, you've got to work through this."

The soft low voice of Simon Hawk pulled her from her thoughts, and she 
managed to raise her head to look into his blue eyes.

"I know, Simon.  I know."

He shook his head, and took her hand gently.  "What happened between 
you two?"

Scully didn't want to talk about it at all, and pulled her hand away.  She 
was afraid that if she talked to Hawk about it she would just dissolve into 
tears again and drown in the anguish.

"I don't want to-"

Hawk cut her off, nodding.  "You don't want to talk about it.  I know.  But 
Dana, I really believe that if you don't, it's going to slowly eat away at you 
and ruin the rest of your life."

Scully looked up at him, her blue eyes filled with new tears.  She was 
silent for many moments as she stared at him, deciding if she should 
confide in him and maybe lift some of the burden from her shoulders.  She 
had been so alone for two years - intentionally keeping herself isolated.  
But she was so tired of being stoic and acting like she wasn't hurting.  
Finally, she sighed and spoke softly.  "I feel like such a fool, Simon."

Hawk let out a breath he had been holding, and smiled a little.  "That's a 
start.  Why?"

She put the glass of water down on his desk, and shifted in the chair.  
Pushing some hair behind her ear, she said, "I thought he.well, at the 
very least, I thought he liked me.  I thought he respected me."

Hawk nodded.  "And at best?"

Scully shook her head, fighting hot prickly tears.  She shut her eyes for a 
few seconds, trying to wrest control back from her emotions.  "At best.I 
thought.I hoped.that he loved me."

"But he didn't?"

"No.  He constantly treated me like I was worthless and took me for 
granted.  He'd go running off on these ludicrous hunches from his secret 
informants and end up in the middle of nowhere, half-dead, and expecting 
me to arrive to bail him out and patch up his wounds."

She laughed mirthlessly.  "And I did it.  God help me, but I did it.  I'd follow 
him anywhere - even when he did his best to ditch me.  And I'd find him 
and fix him up, and hope against hope that he would start to treat me like 
a real person.  Hope that he might see how I felt about him, but he could 
never even afford me a kind word of thanks, or a hug.  Nothing.  In fact, he 
would seem more annoyed with me after I found him."

"And he never did figure out how you felt, did he?" asked Hawk.

"I don't know if he ever even gave me a second thought, really.  I just 
existed for him.  I was his safety net.  Like I told him on that last day, I was 
his faithful dog who was always waiting for him to return; always loyal.  
And just like people forget about their dogs ten minutes after they get 
home, he would forget about me and the fact that I had feelings."

"And that's why you left?"

Scully looked away then, knowing that she had to be in total control or she 
wouldn't get through this next part.  When she thought she could do it, she 
looked back at Hawk.  She wondered why he was bothering to help her.  
And then it hit her:  because he was her friend.  He actually cared about 
her, and didn't like to see her upset.

She had thought she had that with Mulder, but now she knew that it was 
all one-sided.  Mulder never considered her feelings, and he hardly ever 
noticed when she was upset.  Mulder was too consumed by his guilt and 
his sadness and his need to fulfill his self-imposed quest.

Finally, she looked back at Hawk.  "I left because I realized one day that I 
had become so incidental to Mulder that my presence wasn't helping him 
at all.  Whatever he was doing, he could do it without me.  I wasn't making 
a difference.  I didn't matter.  He obviously didn't want me there anymore, 
and I didn't want to be there knowing he hated me."

Hawk blinked slowly, knowing that Scully was leaving out some of her 
deeper feelings about Mulder.  But that was okay.  He hadn't expected her 
to say this much - after all, they had only met a year ago, and she had 
always been so distant.  "So you just left?"

Scully took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm herself even 
more.  "Not exactly.  On the day I decided to leave, Mulder got a call from 
his newest informant - who just happened to be tall, blonde, and beautiful.  
Not to mention that she probably didn't really even know anything that 
would ever help him.  But when it comes to his quest, he is so blind.  
When he came in, I told him she called, and then I gave him a choice.  I 
told him he could either stay there with me, or go to meet with her.  But if 
he did go to her, I would be gone when he got back."

She shrugged, tears glistening in her eyes.  "It might not sound so 
monumental now, but trust me, at the time, his decision meant 
EVERYTHING."  She sighed.  "He picked her.  In a heartbeat, he picked 
her.   And he told me that we'd fix all our problems when he got back.  He 
was so certain that, no matter what, I'd be there when he got back, 
begging him to let me stay in his life.  

"At the moment when I most needed him to believe in me - to validate my 
presence in his life - that was the moment he chose to take me for 
granted and push me aside one more time.  And that was just the end for 
me.  I couldn't do it anymore."

Hawk took her hand again, and this time she didn't pull it away.  "Does he 
even know what he's done to you?  How he's hurt you?"

Scully looked up at him, biting her lip to keep from crying.  "How could he?  
I just don't matter to him.  I never have and I never will, and the sooner I 
accept that, the sooner days like today will stop bothering me."

"You seemed happy to see him," said Hawk, a little confused.

She nodded.  "That's what makes me so mad.  I WAS happy to see him."

Hawk shook his head.  "How can you be when he's hurt you so badly?"

Scully smirked.  "Because I still love him, and there's this part of me that 
still hopes he'll see that - see the real me.  That part of me still hopes that 
he'll want me back in his life because he can't stand to be without me.  
Because he loves me."

Hawk frowned.  "Dana, you know that won't happen.  It seems to me as if 
he's proven that to you."

"I know.  But I'm human, and I can't stop myself from wishing for it.  He 
hurt me like no one ever has, and still I want him to want me.  He broke 
my heart, and I still love him."

"What are you going to do?" asked Hawk, looking like he would do 
anything to make her feel better.

She pulled her hand from his and stood up, not allowing herself to be 
comforted any longer.  She had to get back to who she was - the strong 
woman who could do anything.  The woman who could let him go.  Finally.  
Truthfully.  Somewhere along the line, that woman had been lost.

"I'm going to finish that autopsy.  I'm going to go on.  Just because a part 
of me loves him doesn't mean that I want to be his whipping boy again, 
and it doesn't mean I have amnesia.  I know how Mulder operates.  I know 
how Mulder is.  I know that if I let him, he'd go right back to treating me 
like an afterthought, because he hasn't changed.  He never will."

Scully ran her hands through her hair, trying to get herself together.  "We 
were never meant to be, and I think I'm ready to accept that now.  When I 
deliver this report to Mulder and Fowley tomorrow, it will be as Agent Dana 
Scully - nothing more, nothing less.  He will not see the woman who loves 
him so much that she would let him hurt her forever just to be near him.  
She is weak, and I hate her.  She's not me.  He'll never see that woman 
again."
************************
Next Day
FBI Headquarters
Washington D.C.
X-Files' Office
9:01 am
----------------------------------
Sometimes it's hard to make things clear
Or know when to face the truth
And I know the moment is here
----------------------------------


Scully stood outside of Mulder's office with Hawk, and took a few deep 
breaths.  The forensic report was clutched in her right hand, but it was her 
courage that she was having trouble finding.  She didn't know how it would 
feel to walk back into a place she vowed she never would.  When she had 
left on that awful day, she had sworn to herself that she would never, ever 
go back - and never see Mulder again.  It was the only way to save some 
part of her ravaged heart.

She also knew that Fowley would most likely be inside and she would 
have to face her.  She would have to fight down the urge to try and 
impress Mulder so he would notice her.  Old habits were hard to break.

Scully really didn't want to do it anymore.  She was sick of feeling this 
way, and she wanted to be free of Mulder.  Because he didn't want her, 
and so she wanted to stop wanting him.  She wanted to go on with her life.

"You ready?" asked Hawk, touching her shoulder.

She nodded, swallowing.  "Yes."

She rapped on the door a few times, and waited.  Moments later, the door 
was opened and Scully was once again face to face with Diana Fowley.  
The moment Fowley saw her, Fowley's eyes narrowed and her whole 
countenance seemed to morph into anger and distrust.

"Agent Scully, how nice to see you."

Scully nodded.  "May we come in?"

Fowley leaned forward a bit and craned her neck around the door.  "We?"

"Agent Hawk is with me."

Fowley smiled thinly.  "Oh, of course.  Yes, I suppose you should come in 
so we can discuss your findings."

Scully smiled back just as thinly.  "Thank you so much."

As they entered, memories drifted back to Scully's mind:  discussions, 
arguments, jokes, and so much more.  Scully noticed that the office didn't 
look that much different.  It was still cluttered with stacks of files, videos, 
and magazines and Mulder's desk still looked like a hurricane had hit it.

"Please excuse the mess, Agent Scully, but neatness isn't high on Agent 
Mulder's list of important things."

This was hardly news to Scully, and she was sure that Fowley was only 
saying it to get to her, but she wouldn't let it bother her.  She didn't care 
about such meaningless victories anymore.  She wouldn't let herself care.

"I'm sure it's not."  She would say no more on that subject.

Fowley gestured to two chairs, and Scully and Hawk sat down.  "Shouldn't 
Mulder be here as well?" asked Scully, wondering where he was.

Fowley shrugged.  "I think I can fill him in."

Scully was about to protest, when Mulder's voice cut through the silence.

"Fill me in on what?" he asked as he came through the door.  He stopped 
short when he saw Scully and Hawk.  Scully turned to look at him, and she 
felt her emotions fighting to make it to the surface.  It was so hard to see 
him - especially in this place - and NOT want to do whatever she had to 
just to get him back.  In whatever way he wanted.
************************

The others also turned to face him and Diana put on her best smile.  "Ah, 
*Fox*, Agents Hawk and Scully have apparently finished their forensic 
report."

Mulder barely heard her.  He couldn't believe that Scully was actually 
sitting in the X-Files' office as if she had never left.  He wanted to run to 
her and pull her into his arms and never let her go.  He wanted to whisper 
how sorry he was, and what an idiot he had been, and that he valued her 
above everything else in the world.  Even his sister.

But he could say none of that.  Scully didn't care about it anymore - didn't 
care about him.  They were only professional colleagues now and nothing 
more.  No amount of wishing or promises could change that.  Nothing 
could reassemble what he had torn down in his haste and his ignorance.

He finally managed to put a few words together.  "Scully, you're here."

She nodded, her eyes icy and blue, and he knew that it was killing her to 
be in this place.  "Yes, we're BOTH here."

Her emphasis of the word made him realize that there was someone with 
her.  Dr. Hawk, again.  "Oh, yes.  Hello, Dr. Hawk."

Hawk nodded, and turned back to Diana.  "Can we get started?  Dana and 
I have another autopsy due by noon."

Mulder felt a surge of jealousy course through him at Hawk's use of 
Scully's first name, but he hid it well.  He knew that his only course of 
action was to forge ahead as if she were just a regular pathologist on a 
case he was working - and not someone that he would die for.  Moving 
over to his desk, he stood next to Diana, and crossed his arms.

"So, what did you two find out?"
************************
X-Files Office
10:10 am
----------------------------------
Every time we say goodbye
You're frozen in my mind
I'll never be more to you
Than a stranger could be
----------------------------------


An hour later, Scully and Hawk were ready to leave, having given all the 
help they could.  As it turned out, Kersh had not assigned them to actually 
investigate the case, and they were to return to Quantico for another 
autopsy, and then to the VCS for a new case.  Mulder knew that this 
would be his only chance to talk to Scully.  If he let her walk away this 
time, he would never see her again.  Of that, he was certain.

He caught her as she was walking out the door, and grabbed her by the 
arm, asking her to wait.

She stopped and turned back to him, her eyes looking sad and upset at 
the same time.  "Mulder, I don't have time for this.  No, I will not do any 
background checks for you, and I won't look at some weird case you're 
investigating.  I'm not your personal research assistant - not anymore, at 
least."

Mulder was shocked at the anger in her words.  He looked up at Hawk 
and saw that he, too, was bewildered.  Of course he couldn't blame her.  
He had treated her like his assistant most of the time.  "No, Scully, that's 
not it," said Mulder, trying to find just the right words to make her stay a 
little longer.  He realized that Scully still thought he didn't care for her at all 
- only what she could do for him.  "I just wanted to talk to you."

Scully looked from Hawk to Diana and then to Mulder, her eyes 
unreadable.  Finally, she said, "Fine.  Simon, will you wait for me in the 
lobby?"

Hawk nodded and disappeared out the door.

Scully took a deep breath.  "In the hall.  You have five minutes, Mulder, 
and then I'm leaving."

Mulder couldn't believe his good fortune.  He smiled brightly, nodding, and 
gestured for Scully to walk out.  He glanced back at Diana as they left, and 
could tell that she was upset.  Her dark eyes were burning with hatred and 
anger, and he knew she wanted to say something, but somehow she 
stopped herself.

Once in the hall, Scully turned to Mulder, her arms crossed over her chest 
in annoyance.  "Okay, Mulder, what is it?"

Mulder had been planning his little speech throughout their whole meeting, 
and now he didn't know where to start.  There were so many things he 
wanted to tell her.  So many things he wanted her to know; to understand.

"Scully, about that day-"

"DON'T," she said sharply, cutting him off.  "I'm leaving right now if that's 
the subject matter you have in mind."

Mulder was at a loss.  He didn't know how to approach this woman.  She 
looked like the Scully he had known for almost four years, but she didn't 
have Scully's warm heart and kind eyes.  This new Scully was distant and 
cold, and he could almost see the gaping hole inside her - where her 
heart had been.

Before he ripped it out.

HE had crafted this different Dana Scully before him.  She was his 
creation.  His indifference and ignorance - his self-absorption had molded 
the young, innocent, kind woman he had first met into someone who had 
been hurt so badly that she had locked away her feelings completely.

Mulder had turned her into himself.

And that scared him more than he could say, because he wouldn't wish all 
of his hang-ups and screwed-up feelings about love on anyone.

He decided to try again.  "Scully, we have to talk about this."

Her eyes fixed on him like two heat-seeking missiles loaded with a 
thousand accusations, then she turned away from him quickly, intent on 
leaving.  He grabbed her by the arm to stop her, and she looked back at 
him, her eyes vicious.

"Scully!  Please!"

"Mulder, YOU might have to talk about it, but I will not stand here and be 
party to you easing your conscience.  You don't deserve it!" she hissed, 
tears in her eyes.

Mulder felt like she had stung him.  Until that moment, he had not truly 
realized the depth of her pain.  Suddenly he was breathless with the awful 
scope of what he had done.  "God, Scully, did I do this to you?"

Scully's eyes widened slowly, and her mouth hung open in disbelief.  "Did 
you do this?  You are seriously asking me that question?  Mulder, I gave 
you everything that is me - my whole soul - for four years, and all you did 
was resent me and take me for granted."  She looked away again, 
desperately trying to keep herself under control.  As it was, tears brimmed 
in her eyes, and her bottom lip trembled.  "I.I tried to give you.my heart, 
but you wanted no part of it.  Then, when I asked you to make what should 
have been an easy choice, you didn't even have the sense - the kindness, 
Mulder - to pick me."

Mulder had no response for her.  He couldn't defend the indefensible.  He 
HAD treated Scully terribly.  He HAD acted as though she were his 
personal slave that didn't deserve kindness, respect, or gratitude.  But he 
hadn't done it for the reasons she suspected - at least not totally.  Mostly, 
it was his way - albeit a pathetic way - of distancing himself from her and 
the feelings he had for her.  The love he felt for her.

He had been hurt so many times, that he was instinctually distrustful.  
Somewhere, deep in his subconscious, he had decided that it would be 
better to never let Scully get too close to him - to be cruel and mean and 
indifferent - than to love her and let her love him.

And, despite her thoughts to the contrary, Mulder DID know how she felt.  
But that was just one more reason to keep her away from his true heart.  
But because he knew she cared for him - in some way, at least - he had 
just assumed that she would always be around.  He never thought she 
would ever leave him, no matter what he did or how he treated her.

"Scully, I'm not doing this to ease my conscience.  I'm doing this because I 
want to ease your soul.  I want you to stop hurting.  I want you to be 
happy."

She sighed sadly.  "You're getting good, Mulder.  You actually sounded 
like you meant that.  How nice of you to act like you care."

That irritated him a little, even though he knew she had every right to be 
mad.  "Scully, I DO care.  I'm not pretending, here."

She sighed.  "Mulder, there is no point in discussing this any further.  You 
made your choice two years ago, and I truly believe you would make the 
same choice today.  Nothing has changed.  You don't see me as a real 
person who deserves compassion or even an afterthought."

Mulder was shocked into silence.  He hated himself for all the pain he had 
caused Scully.  He would do anything to take it all back, or go back in time 
and do things differently.

Scully apparently took his silence as an assent, and she sniffed a bit, tears 
shining in her eyes again.  He kept making her cry.  One more thing that 
made him a bastard.

"Mulder, I think it's time I go."

She turned away from him.  "Good luck on the case.  You and Agent 
Fowley seem to have the ideal partnership.  I'm sure you'll be successful."

Then she looked back at him, and he knew she intended it to be for the 
last time.  She seemed to be studying his face; memorizing it.  "I don't 
think we'll be seeing each other again.  Goodbye."

Mulder watched a tear slip down her cheek, before she turned and headed 
for the elevator.  Mulder didn't want her to go.  He still felt like they had 
something unfinished between them.  As the doors closed he dashed for 
the stairs, taking them two at a time.
************************
Lobby, FBI Headquarters
Washington D.C.
10:17 am
----------------------------------
If you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you
I'm tired of feeling this way
Won't you please hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Let me fly
----------------------------------


Mulder burst from the stairwell and skidded to a stop in time to see Scully 
walking through the lobby, Hawk at her side, his arm around her 
shoulders.  He knew she would probably just walk away again, but he had 
to try and stop her.  To make her understand.

"Scully, wait!"

She stopped dead in her tracks, and turned to look for him.  When she 
saw him, her eyes slipped shut in exhaustion.  She shook her head, and 
he could see her say something to Hawk.

Mulder didn't care.  He didn't care if Hawk was going to try and stop him.  
He didn't care if Hawk ordered a hundred security guards to stand in his 
way.  He was going to see Scully.  He began to walk towards them, and 
got within ten feet, when Hawk stepped forward.

"I just want to talk to her, Hawk," Mulder said, his eyes on Scully.  She was 
standing behind Hawk, her eyes red and her face pained.  She looked like 
a little girl hiding behind her father.

Hawk's anger and jealousy for Mulder got away from him, and he grabbed 
Mulder by the arm.  Mulder's head snapped around, his gaze hot.

Hawk shook his head, trying to get the red to leave his vision.  "Do you 
have any idea what you did to her?" he finally asked, emphasizing each 
word.

Mulder felt fury rise to boil inside him.  How dare this man talk to him 
about Scully?  He didn't even know her.  He hadn't worked with her for 
four years.

"I think I know what Scully's been through," Mulder seethed through 
clenched teeth.  "Now.you wanna take your hand off of me?"

Instead of letting go of Mulder, Hawk made his grip tighter.  "Dana and I 
might not be close, but I *do* know that what you did to her broke her 
heart, and very nearly broke her spirit.  I will *not* let you do it again."

"Simon, let go of him."

Both men looked up at Scully.  She looked completely worn-out, her blue 
eyes pale and wounded.  Mulder watched as she took a deep breath, and 
then stepped forward, coming to stand between the two men.  Hawk took 
his hand off of Mulder's arm and stepped away from him.

Mulder took a step back, and suddenly seemed to notice once again how 
beautiful Scully was.  She looked gorgeous in a black jacket and long 
past-the-knees black skirt.  Her hair was vibrant in the mahogany hallways 
and against her black clothing, but her blue eyes were pale and troubled.

"Scully, we have unfinished business.  There's still something left between 
us.  I can feel it," Mulder said softly.

Scully took another deep breath, thinking about Diana for a moment.  She 
wondered if Diana would last long as Mulder's champion.  Scully couldn't 
see Diana disregarding all orders and running off to Alaska or Puerto Rico 
to find Mulder.  Diana didn't look like a hard worker to Scully, and that's 
what you had to be to be Mulder's partner - to be his friend.

Of course, Scully was fairly sure that Diana was *more* than Mulder's 
friend.  Perhaps Mulder didn't expect anything like that from her.  He 
reserved those duties for partners he took for granted, and didn't really 
care about.

Mulder hated having to do this in the lobby with an audience, but he had 
no choice.  "Scully.it was never about you.  It was all about me - my 
past."

Scully was shocked, even though she should have expected such 
behavior from Mulder.  But it made her heart hurt to think that he still took 
her for granted.  That no matter what she had said that last day she had 
seen him, he still thought that everything was about him, and that all his 
bad behavior could be excused because of his tortured psyche.  He was 
still disregarding her feelings and he was still a self-centered bastard.

"Really, Mulder?  Because back then, it sure felt like it had a lot to do with 
me," she said, her jaw tight with anger, looking only at Mulder.  After a few 
more seconds of silence, she moved to walk past him, wishing the 
encounter to be over.

Mulder reached out and grabbed her arm for the second time that day.  
She turned back to look at him, her eyes blue fire.

"That's it?  You can live with it this way?  You can let it end this way?"

Scully wrenched her arm free, her brow furrowed.  "Mulder, let's get one 
thing straight:  YOU ended it.  I'M the one who had the guts to finally admit 
it.  But YOU did it, Mulder.  I'm sure you would have loved it if I would 
have stayed around to be your own personal punching bag, but that 
wasn't my idea of a happy life.  After a while, the bruises and the pain start 
to seep down into your heart and soul."

Mulder shook his head, sadly.  "Scully, I never meant." he trailed off, 
knowing that the rest would only sound cliched and trite.

Scully shrugged, desperately wanting to get as far away from Mulder as 
possible.  Being close to him made her will waver, and she couldn't afford 
that anymore.  "I'm quite sure you didn't.  I'm sure it never even occurred 
to you that I might have feelings.  I didn't matter to you, Mulder, and I still 
don't."

Mulder looked away.  Nothing he said seemed to convince her that she 
was wrong about his feelings for her.  He knew there would be no way to 
change her mind once it was decided.  He turned back to Scully, feeling 
nothing but an aching sadness inside because it was like he was losing 
her all over again.  He decided to say the only left to him.

"I am truly sorry for all of this, Scully.  Just forget about me, and 
concentrate on your career in the VCS."

She looked away, and spoke softly.  "*If* I stay there."

"What do you mean?"

"Mulder, when I joined the FBI, I left behind a career in medicine.  And I 
joined because I thought I could make a difference here.  But things 
haven't turned out that way, and now the Bureau doesn't hold the interest 
for me that it once did.  There's no one.there's nothing keeping me 
here."

Mulder felt like someone was pulling the carpet out from under him.  
Someone was pushing the earth off its axis and sending it towards a black 
hole.  If she quit, he never would see her again.  It would be hard enough 
to catch a glimpse of her if she at least still worked at either the Academy 
or the VCS.  But if she quit, she would work at a hospital or open her own 
practice, and he'd never get to see her.  She could move away and he 
would never know.

"You're quitting?"

Scully set her gaze directly on him.  "I don't see a reason to stay 
anymore."

She turned then, ready to walk away, when Mulder touched her shoulder.  
When she looked back at him, his hazel eyes looked like they were 
melting in sorrow.  "Scully, you can't."

"Mulder, please-"

He cut her off, feeling like his equilibrium had been stolen.  "No, Scully.  
This is wrong.  This is-"

"Mulder, stop!" she said, a little more loudly than she had intended.  Hawk, 
who had been watching with interest, took a step away, giving privacy 
even if it made him mad.  Scully took a deep breath, feeling a strong 
sense of deja'vu.  She had made this break two years earlier, and that had 
almost killed her.  She didn't know if she could do it again.  Scully looked 
at Mulder again, and he seemed to be at a total loss.  He looked very 
scared.

"Scully, tell me what I can do to change your mind about this.  Tell me 
what to do."

She reached out and touched his cheek, reminiscent of that awful day 
when she had offered him a choice.  Remembering the choice he had 
made.  "You *can* do something, Mulder.  You can let this go.  Let *me* 
go.  Just.let me go."

He looked liked she had stuck a knife deep into his heart, and had stolen 
his breath.  He said nothing - was unable.

Still looking at Mulder, she spoke to her partner.  "Come on, Hawk.  We 
have one more autopsy to finish before I'm through."

That said, she turned and walked away with Hawk, never once looking 
back.  Mulder watched her go, fearing that he would never see her again.  
Even when she had walked out the doors and was out of his sight, he kept 
his gaze where she had been.

And, minutes later, when Diana came looking for him, his mind and heart 
were still with the women who had been his loyal, loving partner and friend 
for four years.
************************
That Night
Scully's Apartment
Annapolis, MD 
11:34 pm
----------------------------------
What kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on
Despite everything it's doing to me
What is this love that keeps me coming back for more
When it will only end in misery
----------------------------------


Scully lay on her bed on top of the covers, a washcloth over her eyes.  
She had just gotten out of the shower, her hair was still damp, and she 
wore only a thin bathrobe.  All the lights in her apartment were off.  She 
had hoped that the shower, the cool washcloth, and lack of lighting would 
help to diminish the monstrous headache that she had been suffering from 
for the better part of the day.  She knew she should get up and swallow 
about three Tylenol, but she couldn't seem to make her muscles move.

Of course, her headache and general dis-ease had nothing at all to do 
with the huge show of a scene that she and Mulder had put on for the 
entire lobby of the FBI Headquarters.  It also had nothing to do with the 
fact that she felt like she had been catapulted back two years into the 
past, and it was once again the day that she had left Mulder.  The day that 
he had chosen a complete stranger over her.  And her time travel had 
made all those hideous emotions resurface.  The pain, the anger, the 
complete and utter anguish she had felt that night as she sat alone in her 
apartment imagining Mulder meeting with that alluring secretary in some 
dark alley.  Maybe she even invited him back to her place, because she 
had something *special* to show him.

Yeah, right.

Of course, the moment Diana Fowley came into his life - or rather, BACK 
into his life, Scully had done some checking - he hadn't any use for the 
secretary anymore.  How interesting.

She sighed deeply.  It didn't matter anyway.  She had to let go of all of this 
- of him.  He would never feel for her what she felt for him.  Hell, she 
didn't even think he would ever even feel ANYTHING for her, besides 
contempt and anger.

Scully wondered why she was dealt this hand in life:  to both love and hate 
a man who had no regard for her whatsoever.  It was frustrating that it 
didn't bother him in any way if she loved him or hated him.  It was beyond 
frustrating - it was heartbreaking, and it was probably that fact above all 
the others that made her want to cry the most.  Not mattering.  To be 
unimportant.  In any situation it would be hurtful, but to be non-existent to 
the person you love.she had to work hard to not let it ruin her.

A soft knocking on her front door interrupted her thoughts.  She couldn't 
imagine who it could be so late at night.  Certainly not Simon.  He never 
called her earlier than eight and not later than ten.  He was very 
considerate that way.  And usually, their particular subject of study could 
wait for the night in cold storage until a decent hour.

Scully slowly pushed herself off the bed, and padded down the hallway 
and out into the living room.

"Who is it?" she called as she neared the door.

There was no answer.  It didn't alarm or scare her, it simply made her 
wary and watchful.  She eyed her gun sitting on the coffee table, just to 
make herself feel better.

"Who is it?" she asked again.  When there was no answer again, she got 
on tip-toe and looked through the peephole.

She couldn't believe what she saw.  She was so skeptical, that she looked 
again.  Nope.  He was still there.  But why?  Why would Mulder be 
knocking on her door at 11:30 on a weeknight?  Deep inside, she heard 
her heart whisper a romantic suggestion, but her hard, cold intellect 
laughed cruelly and shoved it down.

There could only be one reason he was here, at her door, looking like he 
had lost something important:  he needed something from her.

"Hold on," she said slowly as she undid the locks, but her voice was rigid 
and cool.  She would not let him manipulate her anymore.

She swung the door open, and was still a little shocked that Mulder was 
actually standing there.  She cleared her throat, put a hand on her hip, and 
spoke with icy precision.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Mulder physically flinched at her words and tone, and for a moment, she 
thought he was going to turn and walk away.  But the moment passed 
quickly.

"I came to talk to you, Scully," he said, his voice trembling a little.  He 
seemed a little scared, actually.  Like he was talking to an imposing 
teacher that had a big ruler.

Scully furrowed her brow and put a finger to her lips pretending to think 
hard.  "Hmm.you know, Mulder, I just can't imagine what WE, of all 
people, could possibly have to talk about."

Mulder fidgeted a little, switching his weight from one foot to another.  His 
hazel eyes were dark with something Scully couldn't put a finger on, but it 
was probably anger or resentment.  "If you'd let me inside, I could 
enlighten you."

Scully looked behind him, expecting to find Fowley hovering around like a 
malicious spirit.  But no one else was there.  She almost couldn't believe 
it.

"I'm alone, Scully," he said, apparently guessing at her thoughts.

"How novel," she said, hardly having to try very hard to be cruel.  After all, 
she had had the best teacher.

She swore she could almost hear Mulder's jaw clenching as he bit down 
his anger.  Good.  Let him see how it feels for once.

He coughed roughly, and ran a hand through his hair.  "Scully?  Can I 
come in?  Please?"

Scully found that she actually was curious as to what he was going to say.  
She decided she'd let him present his case.  Anything was better than a 
night alone with a washcloth covering her eyes.  In the end, she stepped 
aside and swept her arm in towards the apartment.

"Be my guest," she said, suddenly tired.  She hadn't realized how 
exhausting anger could be.  She wondered how Mulder had done it for all 
those years.

He peered inside, but couldn't see much of anything, because all the lights 
were out.  Just the light from the street filtered in through the curtains, 
outlining Scully's cheek, shoulder, and hip.  "Why is it so dark in there?" he 
asked softly.

"Because the lights aren't on," she said through clenched teeth.  "Now 
either get in here, or I'm closing the door."

He walked inside timidly, as if he were in a sacred place, and sat down on 
her couch.  Scully followed him and turned on a light.  She suddenly 
remembered that she was wearing nothing but a flimsy bathrobe.  She 
began to walk towards her bedroom.

"I'm just going to change, and-"

"Don't," he said, stopping her in her tracks.

She turned to face him again, her hands on her hips.  She couldn't believe 
it.  He was in her apartment less than a minute, and already he was back 
to his old ways.

"You sure do love to order me around, don't you?" she asked, her voice 
soft but with a hard edge.

He shrugged.  "I just think you look nice in it.  That's all.  But if you're 
uncomfortable-"

She held up her hands to stop his words.  "Forget it.  Just tell me what you 
came here to tell me, and then we can get on with our lives."

He shook his head, reeling at her harsh words and voice.  "Is this how you 
talk to everyone?"

She sat down on the arm of the chair across from the couch.  "No.  Just 
people who treat me like I'm on the bottom of the food chain."

His eyes widened.  "Wow.  Ouch," he said rubbing the side of his nose.  "I 
guess I deserved that."

She nodded, wanting him to be gone.  His presence in her apartment was 
making memories come back to life that she had tried to bury for two 
years.  She crossed her arms, waiting for him to say something.

Finally, he looked up at her, a wry grin on his lips that never made it to his 
eyes.  "This is awkward."

She had to fight hard not to roll her eyes, and say, "The master of the 
obvious."  Instead she said:   "Tell me something I don't know, Mulder."

He nodded.  "That's why I'm here.  That's what I want to do."

Scully nodded again, and crossed her legs, hoping he would get to the 
point.  But he lapsed into silence again, and soon, she said, "Mulder, it's 
been two years.  What are you doing here?"

He looked at her, and he still had that anonymous look in his eyes.  It was 
one she had never seen before, and she thought she had seen them all.  
She let him sit there for a few moments, but then she started to think that 
he couldn't think of anything to say, because he had no idea what he had 
done wrong.  Her patience withered away, and she sighed.

"Mulder, if we could hurry this up, please.  It IS almost midnight, and I-"

"Nothing's any good without you," he blurted out.

It took her a few moments before she could speak.  She had been intent 
on her little tirade, and she almost thought she heard him wrong.  "Excuse 
me?"

He was looking at the floor, as if he was too afraid to meet her gaze.  
When he spoke, it was in a soft voice - the kind he used when speaking to 
children.  "Scully, the moment you left, nothing mattered.  All the meaning 
in my life was gone."

Scully still thought that this might be a ploy to get her to do some huge 
favor for him, but it shocked her enough that she slid from the arm of the 
chair down into the chair itself.  She was silent for a while, as she 
considered his words.

In the end, she shook her head.  "Mulder, the meaning of someone's life is 
not dependent on another person."

He shrugged, looking up at her slowly.  His eyes were a mixture of deep 
browns and greens, and filled with tears.  "Mine is."

Those two words almost undid her.  They almost broke through the wall of 
ice she had built around her and they almost touched her heart.  But she 
had spent two long years making sure that nothing would get through that 
wall.  Even so, tears shone in her eyes.

"Mulder-"

"I know you don't believe me," he said, cutting her off.  "I know you think 
I'm just saying it because I have some ulterior motive - maybe you think I 
need my files alphabetized or something.  And I know I've never really 
given you a reason to think that my feelings are genuine.  But that doesn't 
mean that they aren't."

Scully wrapped her arms around herself.  She could feel her mighty will 
fracturing.  He sounded so sincere, and he looked so lost and sad.  Could 
it be true that he actually missed her for her?

"I'm sure you think they are.now."

Mulder shook his head, and pushed himself off the couch.  He walked 
towards her slowly, and knelt before her.  She was reminded of their last 
day together, when he had knelt before her and noticed - for the first time 
- that she had been hurt by the Bounty Hunter.

He reached out, and took her hand as if it were china.  "Scully, I'll say it 
over a thousand times if it will make you believe me:  you are everything to 
me.  I don't know how it happened, really, but one day, years ago, I woke 
up and it hit me:  you make my life a life.  You give the world color.  I 
couldn't wait to get to work just to see if I could make you smile.  I couldn't 
wait to see how you would explain away our newest case.  Before I met 
you, there was nothing good in my life, and then, suddenly, the ONLY 
good in my life was you.

"And it scared me.  I haven't had good experiences with love in the past.  
And even though on a logical level I knew you'd never intentionally hurt 
me, deep inside, my fears and insecurities told me that you would - or that 
you'd find someone better.  So I started to push you away - to treat you as 
something less than you were, hoping that my feelings for you would go 
away."

Scully was awed by his words.  She almost couldn't believe that she 
meant so much to him.  "Mulder, what was I supposed to do?  Sign a 
contract saying I would never hurt you?  Life doesn't work that way."

He nodded.  "I know."

"And that doesn't excuse the way you treated me professionally:  ditching 
me all the time, or being cruel just because I didn't agree with you, or not 
telling me when you got a lead."

Mulder nodded again.  "I know that, too."

Scully continued, her feelings bubbling through.  "I knew you didn't love 
me like I loved you, but I thought you at least respected me."

Mulder's eyes went wide, and his hand tightened around hers.  "You loved 
me?"

Scully looked away from him, fidgeting a bit in the chair.  "I loved you so 
much that it blinded me at times, and that's why I would stay even when I 
knew you didn't want me."  When he looked shocked, Scully added, 
"Mulder, why do you think I put up with all of your crap?  Any other agent 
would have had you before the Office of Professional Review.  Or at the 
very least, Skinner."

Mulder looked like he was having a hard time grasping the concept that 
she had loved him.  He was staring at their hands like they held an 
answer. "What about now?"

Scully couldn't believe that he was actually asking her that.  He wanted 
her to reveal everything while he admitted to nothing.  Classic Mulder.  In 
the end, she decided that delaying the inevitable was pointless.  "Right 
now, Mulder, I'm caught somewhere between love and hate."

He looked up at her, then, his eyes filled with that unknown emotion.  But 
Scully was beginning to rule out anger and contempt.  It was something 
else, entirely.  He looked like he wanted to hug her, but was unsure if he 
was allowed.  In the end, he took her hand into both of his.

"I know how that feels, Scully.  I used to be caught between love and fear."

Scully felt a lump beginning to form in her throat.  He had always had the 
ability to get to her.  No matter how mad she was, or how hurt, there were 
times when he knew the right thing to say, and her defenses crumbled.  
She had gotten better at resisting him since she left, but it was easier 
when he wasn't around all the time.

"Used to be?" she asked softly, fighting to keep her voice even.

Mulder tried for a small smile, but didn't quite make it.  "Yes.  When you 
left, it finally made me realize what I had been doing, and why.  And I 
realized that you would be the last person in this world to do anything that 
would hurt me.  Like you told me that awful day:  you would give up your 
life for me.  You followed me to the ends of the earth, Scully, and still a 
small part of me was afraid that you didn't care about me enough for it to 
last."

He was silent for a few moments as he looked at her, as if he were 
drinking her in with his eyes.

"I got as far as the parking garage before I realized what I had done.  
What I had given up.  Scully, you've got to believe that that woman from 
the SRSG's office never meant anything to me - not the way you think.  
And neither did Bambi or anyone else.  They were all just more ways to 
push you away - to keep the only person that meant anything to me from 
finding out.  All my life, when people have found out that they are 
important to me, they've used it as a weapon.  If you never knew how I felt 
about you, I figured I wouldn't get hurt."

Scully looked down at him, feeling her anger and pain melting away.  She 
was certain that he wasn't lying or just telling her what he thought she 
wanted to hear.  This was really how he felt.  Scully still didn't think he had 
really changed, but now that she understood why he had done what he 
did, perhaps they could finally move on.  Perhaps they could both finally 
heal.  But before they could do that, she had to know if she had ever had a 
place in his heart.

"And how did you feel?"

He was about to answer when he was interrupted by a sharp knock on the 
door.
************************
12:03 am
----------------------------------
You think I only think about you
When we're both in the same room
You think I'm only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
----------------------------------
  

Mulder sighed in frustration and turned to look at the door, wondering who 
could possibly be calling on Scully so late at night.  He was the only one 
who had ever had the nerve to disturb her after ten.  He turned back to 
Scully, and touched her cheek gently, almost unable to believe that he 
was getting through to her.

"I'll get it," he said as he stood.

As he walked towards the door, Scully called out, "Who is it?"

And at that exact moment, Mulder got a horrible feeling in the pit of his 
stomach.  He knew that whoever it was, they would eradicate whatever 
renewed trust Scully had in him.

There was a brief pause, before the answer came.  "Diana Fowley!"

Mulder stopped dead in his tracks, and looked back at Scully immediately.  
The softness in her eyes had been replaced with stormy hatred and anger.  
He could tell that despite all he had just said, she was starting to think that 
he had been lying to her.

He tried to control his panic.  "Scully, you've got to believe that I didn't 
know she-"

She cut him off, her voice hard.  "Answer the door, Mulder."

He swallowed, and did as she said, opening the door.

The moment Fowley saw him, she sighed in relief.  She was dressed in a 
black pantsuit with a light grey sheath underneath.  Mulder sometimes 
wondered if she owned any casual clothes.  He himself was only dressed 
in jeans and a T-shirt.

"You're here," she said, seeming to be out of breath.  "I took a chance you 
might be since I couldn't find you at home or anywhere else, and your 
phone was off."

"What are you doing here, Diana?" he asked, annoyed.  Diana had this 
knack for really bad timing, and knowing how she felt about Scully, he was 
certain that she didn't feel very bad about interrupting.  Mulder found his 
good feelings for Diana diminishing quickly.  Glancing back in Scully's 
direction, Mulder saw that she was gone.  His panic increased 
substantially when he heard her bedroom door close.

Mulder knew that she was retreating back into her shell - pushing her 
feelings back behind her wall.  He could feel her in there, slipping away 
from him again as each moment went by.
************************
12:13 am
----------------------------------
I bruise you, you bruise me
We both bruise too easily
Too easily to let it show
I love you and that's all I know
----------------------------------


Scully sat on her bed in the darkness, the now cold washcloth in her hand, 
and tried very hard not to cry.  Mulder had looked so sincere.  His voice 
had been so soft and genuine.  She had been so certain that he wasn't 
lying or just telling her enough to get his little devoted lackey back.  Oh, 
how she had wanted to believe that he really did care for her.

But of course, Mulder had forgotten all about her the moment that Fowley 
arrived.  Suddenly all his proclamations weren't so significant.  Once 
again, Scully wasn't important enough.

Scully bit her lip hard, refusing to cry over him one more time.  It was all 
her fault, anyway.  She had allowed herself to believe him.  She had been 
suckered in by his romantic words.  She really should have known better, 
after all he had done to her.

Ten minutes had passed since Fowley arrived, and Scully was sure that 
he was already gone - had left with Fowley, after she had told him about 
some lead on the Truth, given to them by a shadowy informant.  She was 
also certain that she would never see or talk to him again.  She would 
make sure of that.  Scully didn't care if he camped outside her door for 
three weeks.  She just couldn't take this pain anymore.  She had to get 
over him somehow, and she never would if she kept letting him back into 
her heart over and over.

A single tear slipped down her cheek as Scully mourned the beautiful 
thing that could have been if only Mulder had cared enough.

She was startled when she heard her bedroom door creak open.  Then 
Mulder's voice.  "Scully?"

She refused to look at him.  She wouldn't let him know how much he had 
gotten to her - that he had made her cry again.

"You're still here?  I was positive you and Fowley would be gone by now."

"I'm still here."

His voice was soft and sad in the darkness, and she could imagine the 
look on his face:  like a little boy who had lost his way.   He was a master 
at using sympathy to get what he wanted from her.

Scully took a deep breath, determined to not let him know that she was 
dying inside.  She would be emotionless and distant and cruel, and he 
would leave that much sooner.

"Oh, so you've decided to be gracious and actually TELL me before you 
run off?  How original and out of character."

Not even a second later, she jumped as she heard the door slam against 
the wall with an enormous crash.  She had hit her mark perfectly, it 
seemed.  She felt him rush towards her, and could feel his anger coming 
at her in huge waves.

"God dammit, Scully!"

She flinched from the pure hostility in his voice.  Then, a moment later she 
was annoyed.  How dare he have the nerve to yell at her?  Scully let her 
fury surface completely, and stood up.  She could just make him out in the 
dim light from the street, and she faced him now, ready for battle.

"Mulder, I want you to leave!  Now!"

But he would have no part of it.  Instead, he took another step towards 
her.  "Scully, I did NOT know that Fowley was coming over here.  She 
doesn't mean anything to me.  We're not together.  Even back when we 
WERE together, we weren't.  She's not the one I love.  Don't let her ruin 
what we were saving."

Scully snickered, her anger filling her, completely blocking out any other 
emotion.  She had kept it bottled up for so long, that once she let it have 
the free reign it craved, she was at its mercy.

"Saving?  Here's a news flash, Mulder:  you can't bring back the dead!  
You can't save what never was!  So just go back in that other room and 
tell Fowley that you're coming with her.  It's what you want to do.  It's what 
you WILL do.  So just spare me the angst and LEAVE!  I cannot relive that 
day."

And as quickly as it came, Scully felt his anger dissipate, creeping away 
into the corners of her room like shadows.  She couldn't make out his 
expression, but she could imagine it:  all crumpled and pitiful.  A variation 
on the puppy-dog face that he thought could get him anything.

Well, it wasn't going to get him her.

Not again.

At long last, he spoke, and his voice sounded totally defeated.  There was 
no life in it.  "Maybe you're right, Scully.  Maybe there ISN'T anything left 
between us worth saving.  I know I did my damnedest to make sure of 
that."

Mulder's loss of emotional energy was affecting her, and she felt the pain 
and rage leaving her, as well.  It left her shaking and shivering and on the 
verge of tears.  She feared that her knees would give out, so she stumbled 
back on the bed, grateful for its stability.

"I'm sure Fowley's getting impatient, Mulder."  Scully didn't know what else 
to say.

Her eyes had adjusted to the minimal light, and she could see him sigh, 
and then move to kneel before her again.  She could see his eyes now, 
and they were more despondent than she could ever remember.  He 
reached out and took her hands in his again.

"She's not waiting for me, Scully.  I told her to go home.  I told her that I 
didn't think that her lead was trustworthy - no matter what it was about.  
And I told her that I didn't think we would be partners anymore - that we 
don't make a good team."

Scully hadn't been prepared for this.  Mulder wasn't going with Fowley?  
His head wasn't turned by a tall brunette from his past?  He wasn't going 
to run after every clue - no matter how false - that anyone sent his way?  
This was NOT the Mulder she had known.  This was NOT the Mulder who 
had gone off to meet with the UN secretary, simply assuming that Scully 
would be there when he got back.

"What was it about?" she asked softly, her anger completely gone.

He shook his head.  "It doesn't matter.  Believe it or not, Scully, I've 
learned my lesson.  It might have taken something as drastic and painful 
as you leaving me for good - but I learned it."

Scully sniffed a bit, and shook her head.  "Mulder, look at us.  Look at 
what we do to each other.  This is not healthy.  We are not good for each 
other."

Mulder seemed a bit taken aback by her remark, but he didn't move.  
Instead, he seemed more determined.  "Scully, I think we could do better 
now.  Now we've been through the worst, and we know what went wrong."

But Scully couldn't take that chance - no matter how much her heart 
ached for it.  She just couldn't trust Mulder not to return to his old ways, 
and start treating her like someone who didn't matter.  And she still didn't 
know how he felt about her.  There was only one choice to make, even if it 
did break her heart.

"Mulder?" she asked, her voice whisper-quiet, because she couldn't trust 
her normal voice not to crack from sorrow.

"Yeah?"

Scully sighed, but it came out as more of a sob.  "I think you should go."  
She could barely get the words out.  It felt like her soul was dying and 
breaking into a million pieces.

She heard his sharp intake of breath at her words, but he said nothing.  
He stood up, his breathing ragged, and moved towards the door.  She 
closed her eyes, not able to watch him go a second time.  But she knew it 
was for the best.  It was better this way - for both of them.  They just 
weren't meant to be.  Mulder was who he was, and she couldn't make him 
change - or even ask him to - when he didn't want to.  She would always 
be last on his list, and she had finally accepted it.

She opened her eyes, thinking him gone.

But Mulder had stopped at the door, his posture slouched and broken.  
He seemed to find the doorframe terribly fascinating, and he 
touched it; stroking.  When he spoke, it was in a voice that Scully had 
never heard before.  The voice of someone who's lost all that mattered.  "I 
know this is all my fault, Scully," he said, his voice sounding like a little 
boy's.  "I know I've hurt you so much that you can never forgive me.  And 
you have to know that I will go to my grave regretting that more than 
anything."  He paused a moment before continuing.  "And also, I want you 
to know that.that I love you, Scully.  I've never loved anyone like this 
before.not even Samantha.  This is deeper, because you're my soul 
mate.you really are." he trailed off, his voice breaking.  A few seconds 
passed before he added a quiet vow.  "You always will be."

He coughed, trying to regain his composure.  "Anyway, I just wanted you 
to know that.  And if leaving you - if staying out of your life forever - is 
what you need from me, then I'll do it.  Because more than anything, I just 
want you to be happy.  So much happiness has been taken from you 
because of me, and if I can give some of it back to you, that will make ME 
happy."

Then he was gone - like a ghost she had conjured up on her own.  It was 
almost as if he had never been there at all.

And it was at that moment that Scully realized that the strange, unknown 
look she had seen in his eyes all night had been love.
************************
12:30 am
----------------------------------
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be
In your mind the difficult kind
Cause babe, I've changed
----------------------------------


Scully took a few moments to make sure that she wasn't going to burst 
into tears.  No, that wouldn't happen until later when she was swallowed 
up by the darkness and the misery that were such an intricate part of her 
life now.

When she thought she could stand, she left the bed, and walked out into 
her living room.  She just wanted to lock the door and then retreat to the 
sanctuary of her bed, where she would spend the rest of the night 
convincing herself that she HAD done the right thing in letting him go.

She had just locked the door, when she noticed something sitting on the 
end table next to the couch.  It looked like a plane ticket and a scrap of 
paper.  She reached down and picked them up, studying them carefully, 
trying to read with her swollen eyes.  Mulder must have forgotten them in 
the heat of their argument.

The ticket was to Los Angeles and it was scheduled to leave within the 
hour.  Even if Mulder drove at top speed, he couldn't make it.  He hadn't 
been gone from her apartment even two minutes.  Putting that thought 
aside for the moment, she turned to the scrap of paper.  Mulder didn't 
write it, she could tell that much.  The letters had elegant loops but sharp, 
hard edges.  She thought that Fowley had probably copied the information 
down.

It said:

Possible lead on Samantha
Someone matching her probable ID is living in LA
Seen near Solo Road two weeks ago
Take Flight 7464 - 12:55 am - to LA 

Scully's heart began to race, and she very nearly dropped the papers.  
Her breathing quickened as she realized what this meant.  Mulder had 
been given a possible lead on Samantha, and he hadn't taken it.  He had 
sent Fowley home, and stayed to try and reconcile with her.  But she had 
sent him away - telling him that they were no good for each other.  He had 
told her he loved her.  He had passed on a possible chance at finding his 
sister, and she had sent him away with harsh words.  She had let her 
anger and her pain control her and wouldn't even listen to him - to how he 
HAD really changed.

He had chosen her.

Over Fowley.

Over his quest.

And over Samantha.

But, god, she never wanted him to let go of his dream of finding Samantha 
again.  No matter how slim the chance - no matter how suspicious the 
informant - every lead should at least be checked.

He had told her tonight that without her nothing in his life mattered, but 
she never thought he meant this.  Never Samantha.

Scully clutched the plane ticket and paper to her chest and unlocked her 
door, throwing it open.  Maybe he was sitting in his car.  Maybe she could 
still catch him.  If he was gone, she would run all the way to his apartment.  
She ran down the hallway as fast as she could, heedless of her state of 
undress.  She opened the main door of her apartment building, and 
skidded to a stop, surprised.

He was sitting on the front steps, his knees pulled up close to his chest.  
She could hear his sobs, and saw his back heaving from the pain.  Slowly, 
she walked towards him, trying to think of something to say, but no words 
could ever express what she was feeling.  In the end, she touched his 
shoulder and said his name.

He looked up at her, his eyes red and full of tears.  "I'm going, Scully.  I'm 
sorry.  I'm going."

"Mulder, wait," she said, stopping him, her arm still on his shoulder.

He looked at her expectantly, his cheeks wet with tears.

"Mulder, why didn't you go with Fowley tonight?"

He sighed, looking very tired.  "Because you're more important, and I told 
you, Scully, I don't trust the source."

"And what if you DID trust the source?  Would you have gone with her or 
stayed here with me?"

He didn't hesitate.  "I would have stayed with you."

Scully sat down next to him on the stoop.  "Why?"

He looked at her strangely.  "Scully, I told you.  I learned my lesson.  
Running off in the hopes of finding some slim clue given to me by a shady 
informant shouldn't take precedence over you - over US.  What is - what 
WAS - between us was tangible, and I should have realized that before it 
was too late."

She produced the plane ticket and paper and handed it to him.  He 
seemed shocked that she had it, but took it silently.  "Mulder, I NEVER 
expected you to chose me over Samantha.  Not ever.  That's not what I 
meant when I gave you that choice two years ago."

"I know."

She sighed.  "Then why didn't you go?"

He didn't answer right away.  Instead, he looked off in the distance.  "I love 
you, Scully, and you're real," he said finally.  "I love Samantha, too, but 
she's been gone for over 25 years.  I dedicated my life to finding her, and 
yet I've never found one substantial piece of evidence that she is still alive.  
That she's waiting for me to find her."  He fell silent again.  "My father's 
gone, and my mother has accepted that Samantha's gone, and recently, 
I've decided that I should, too.  I've decided that I deserve some kind of a 
life.  More than anything, I want that life to be with you.  So, it wasn't that 
hard a choice to make."

There was that word again:  choice.

Mulder had chosen her over the thing he had wanted for most of his life.  
And though she had always thought it would make her feel good if he ever 
actually chose her over another, it didn't.  Not over THIS person.  Not over 
his sister.

"Mulder, this is too much," she said, tears threatening once again.  "You 
shouldn't have done this.  You should have gone with Fowley.  Samantha 
is what you've been looking for your entire life."

Mulder turned to look at her, and wiped some of his tears away.  Then he 
reached out and gently smoothed her tears away.  He let his fingers linger 
on her cheek, stroking gently.  His gaze was one of complete admiration, 
adoration, and love.

"You're wrong, Scully.  YOU are what I've been looking for my whole life."

Scully gasped at his words, and just as her anger had overwhelmed her 
before, so now did her love for him.  She wanted to hold him close and 
feel his heart beating with hers, and never let go.  But she also wanted 
him to be completely happy, and so she couldn't let him do this.  "Mulder, 
you can't give up."

He smiled faintly.  "I'm not giving up.  I'm giving IN.  I'm giving in to the fact 
that I might never see Samantha again.  I'm giving in to my love for you.  
I'm letting YOU in."

Scully's face crumpled at his words and hot tears splashed onto her 
cheeks as she melted into his arms.  She felt his tears fall into her hair as 
they held each other tight.  Scully couldn't believe how right it felt to be in 
his arms.  She felt so safe - like nothing could hurt her as long as Mulder 
was with her.  But she also didn't think he was thinking clearly, and for four 
years, it had been her job to make sure he did.  She couldn't - wouldn't - 
stop now.

"Mulder, I want you to go."

He shook his head, pulling back to look at her.  "No."

Then, before she knew what was happening, he had leaned down to give 
her one of the sweetest kisses she had ever had.  She couldn't have 
fought it even if she had wanted to.  She relaxed against him, her arms 
moving to encircle his neck.  When he finally pulled away, she found 
herself wanting more and more, but she had to try and make him see what 
he was doing.

"Mulder, please."  Scully could never live with the fact that he had given 
up on Samantha because he thought it made her happy - because he 
thought it was the only way she would love him.  She had never wanted 
that.  It wasn't even close to the truth.

"No," he said again, and his voice was resolute and determined.

Scully tried again, moving her arms down to circle his waist; holding him 
tight.  She had to make him see what he was giving up.  "Mulder, she's 
your family.  She's your home." 

"No, Scully.  She was a little boy's family and home.  She was Fox's 
family.  But I think he disappeared the night she did.  I'm not Fox anymore.  
I'm Mulder.  And you are MY family and home.  You have been for a long 
time now."

Scully touched his cheek gently.  "I love you, Mulder.  I love you, but this is 
a huge decision.  Are you sure about this?"

He nodded and pulled her close again.  They were silent for a few 
moments, taking strength from each other.  Finally, Mulder said, "I'm 
letting her go.  It's time she rest in peace, don't you think?"

Scully couldn't answer that.  How could she?  She hadn't been looking for 
her sister her whole life.  Even losing her own sister wasn't as bad as this 
- at least they spent most of their lives together.  At least she knew her 
sister's fate.  Mulder had never really known Samantha - never gotten a 
chance to be a brother.  And he would never really know what had 
happened to her.  Giving up on Samantha now, meant giving up on a lot of 
dreams that he had held close his entire life.

He pushed her back a little to look at her again.  Then he said, "I do."
Slowly, he leaned in and kissed her gently, wrapping his arms around her, 
enveloping her. 

And Scully knew that he meant it and was committed to the decision, and 
to her.  She found it hard to believe that it was actually happening.  That 
Mulder loved her.  That he was here with her.  That he had chosen to stay 
with her and not go off and follow a clue that might lead him to his sister 
as easily as it might not.  She only wished it didn't have to happen this 
way.

Scully should have known that even when she got what she thought she 
wanted most - for Mulder to value her and chose her - it wasn't the sweet 
victory she had imagined.  She had never thought he would have to 
decide between her and Samantha.   No one should have to make such a 
choice - but then, she and Mulder had never gotten the smooth path.  
Theirs was a bittersweet reunion that taught her that sometimes the thing 
that gives you the most happiness gives you sorrow in equal amounts.

Sometimes, life just works that way.  You don't always get the storybook 
ending.  But Scully would never have thought that she and Mulder would 
go the easy way.  If nothing else, the past two years had taught her that.

For them, it would never be simple.  Nothing would ever be black or white, 
but a confusing mixture.  Their love wasn't perfect, and most likely they 
would hurt each other in the future, but that was the nature of their 
relationship:  pain and pleasure, love and hate.  Scully knew that to be 
true, but it didn't scare her anymore.  It was who they were.  Their souls 
were forever locked in a timeless embrace that was a battle all at the 
same time.

Scully stood up and looked down at Mulder, trying to smile.  It felt like 
tonight was the end of something and the beginning of something else.  
And though this new beginning was what she wanted, she would mourn 
the passing of times and dreams never to be recovered.  But now was the 
time to look ahead to the future, and to feel secure in the knowledge that 
Mulder would always love her.

Scully held her hand out to him, tears in her eyes for the millionth time that 
night.  Mulder looked from her hand to her face and smiled softly.  He 
placed his hand firmly in hers, and she felt their souls commingling, 
reuniting, growing, gaining strength, firing with love.

Scully smiled for real, then, and all thoughts flew from her mind, save one:

They had been given a second chance.


THE END