TITLE: Seeing Red
AUTHOR: Emily Sim
FEEDBACK: Be gentle, it's my first one
RATING: NC-17
CLASSIFICATION: SRA MSR
SPOILERS: Not really 
DISCLAIMER: don't own 'em, no money has changed hands

Special Thanks to: AnnaK & Tali who encouraged, read, 
re-read, held my hand and poked - did you know Tali 
can do that gently?

***

Friday, May 24

Dana Scully was not an emotionally reckless woman; she held her 
thoughts and feelings close to her heart and rarely allowed 
herself to let go. She stepped through the shower doors allowing 
rivulets of water to drip off her back as ideas swirled through 
her mind. What the hell had she been thinking?  Bits and pieces 
of last night wrapped themselves around her, forcing their way 
out from the deep, secret places where they had been hidden.  
Wrapping a towel around her wet hair she forced her feet forward 
to begin getting ready to face the day, to face her partner. 

Seven years lost, or seven years gained; it was all a matter of 
perspective. 

***

Thursday, May 23

The day had begun like any other workday.  Sequestered in the 
basement, he methodically searched the internet and the files 
looking for new anomalies and she worked to make last weeks 
report sound less like an adventure with Ricky and Lucy and 
more appropriate for an FBI report. Normally a quiet, 
studious worker, she was finding it hard to not verbalize 
her frustration and annoyance as she wrestled with two 
versions of the account. She gave another audible groan 
and the paper she was studying landed on her 
desk with a loud slap.

"It's not that bad Scully; come on!" he said, irritation 
and impatience evident. Her answer was nothing more than a 
quiet grunt acknowledging he had spoken, ignoring both tone
and words. She was far too engrossed in trying to make 
Mulder's ghost hunt look presentable to the bean counters. 

"Would you please stop doing that!" Louder, with a sharper 
edge, the words barely breached the veil of concentration 
that kept her focused on the keyboard, deleting and editing 
a report that should have been delivered two hours ago. 
She looked up at him, her mind still focused on the report, 
to wonder what the hell he was getting so bent out of shape 
about, but he had gone back to staring at his computer 
screen and she let the moment go. Turning back to 
the report she sighed heavily and began typing. 

Working with Fox Mulder was demanding. Both professionally 
and personally, she was challenged daily, attempting to 
follow the tangents his mind took, and, when necessary, 
to run after him, chasing the proverbial wild goose. 
Although he could be impatient with her, it wasn't a 
normal occurrence. Somewhere around the 
fourth or fifth clipped comment she began to wonder if his
irritation was directed at her or something else. 

The sharp ringing of the phone and Mulder's short responses 
to the caller interrupted the relative silence of the office. 
Looking up, she watched as he quietly gathered his jacket and 
headed for the door. He was gone before the question forming 
in her mind could be verbalized. 

***

Friday, May 24

Damp towel hung up neatly on the rack, make up applied, her 
black suit straightened and smoothed in place, Scully made 
her way to the kitchen. 

The smell of coffee greeted her and she inhaled the aroma 
as if it was an elixir. Pouring a cup of the black liquid 
she settled back onto a chair allowing a few quiet moments 
to sort through the myriad of thoughts that wound their 
way through her mind. How had she managed to get it so wrong?

Her relationship with her partner was a curious affair. They 
formed one of the most successful partnerships in the Bureau, 
as testified by their solve rate, they could hold an entire 
conversation with just a few glances, yet it seems that she 
had misconstrued the emotional signals that defined their
relationship. If last night was any indication, she was 
completely off base, and her red, puffy eyes were testament 
to how she spent the long hours of the night. She had replayed 
the scene repeatedly until the words had blurred and exhaustion 
took over, allowing her a few hours of restless sleep. A glance 
at her kitchen clock told her she had fifteen minutes left 
before traffic would interfere with her early 
arrival at the office. 

The office. Mulder. Facing Mulder. She groaned.
Could she do this? 

***

Thursday, May 23

Scully stared at the closed door. Mulder had seemed annoyed 
with her all day, and that was putting it mildly. He had in 
fact seemed quite pissed with her and she wasn't quite sure 
what she had done to warrant his anger. Scully rolled the 
morning through her mind. Had he seemed preoccupied when he 
came in this morning? Angry? Sad? In all honesty, she had 
been so intent on finishing the overdue report that she 
had paid little mind to one Fox Mulder and his mood. 
Closing her eyes she tried to recall him as he came 
through the door.

He had been later than usual, and, as a picture formed in 
her minds eye, she saw him come in and quietly sit at his 
desk. He had wished her a good morning but said little 
else as he booted up his computer and drank his coffee. 
There had been little interaction save Mulder's cracks every 
so often at her alleged noise infractions. Although none 
of the behavior was out of character for her partner, 
she had a nagging feeling she was missing something. It had 
not sounded like Mulder was answering Skinner from this 
end of the phone line, which could only mean it was another 
of his shadowy contacts. They had come to an understanding 
concerning his leaving her in the dark and he hadn't ditched 
her in a long time. Reluctantly, she acknowledged, this was 
adding up to just that. Sighing, she was returning to her 
report when the phone rang again. 

"Scully." 

There was a pause at the other end and a familiar female voice 
responded. 

"Agent Scully, has Fox left yet?"

Scully cringed. It was all she could do to keep her voice level 
as she answered, and it took all of her skills as an agent to 
get out of the building without anyone seeing the tears she was 
trying desperately to hold back. 

***

Friday, May 24

Scully carefully put down the receiver. Lying was not something she 
did with any regularity nor was it something she did well. She was 
sure Skinner was suspicious, after all, she rarely took time away 
even when sick, but the thought of walking into the basement office 
was causing her head to throb and her throat to close up. She had 
cut him off in the middle of his query as to why she was calling him 
with the message and not her partner, but she couldn't worry about 
Skinner and his suspicions right now. What she needed to do was 
figure out what she was going to do and if it was even feasible for 
her to continue to work with Mulder. 

She dropped her purse by the door and headed back to the kitchen. 
It was at times like these that she missed Melissa. Having someone 
to talk to, who wouldn't wag fingers and accuse, who would help her 
figure out where she should go from here, was something she 
missed desperately. Aside from her friend Ellen, whom she hadn't 
seen in over a year, she had few people she could confide in. Her 
mom just didn't count. It had been a long time since Dana had 
shared anything other than superficial case information with her 
mom. She knew Charlie would lend an ear and could even provide 
the ever elusive "mans point of view" on all things female, but he 
was out in the middle of the Pacific somewhere and not reachable 
by phone except in an emergency.

The only other person she could confide in was the person at the 
heart of the whole situation. 

Two lone tears tracked down her face as she collapsed back into a 
chair feeling alone and forgotten. 

***

Thursday, May 23

Scully hit the street in front of the FBI building with all the 
determination of a speed walker. Each step was punctuated with an 
expletive directed at her wayward partner and by tears that she 
could not seem to stop. Ditched again! Why was she so surprised? 
The question she kept asking herself, the one question she 
couldn't or wouldn't answer, revolved around her strong reaction 
to the caller. Was it that he ditched her, or the fact that the 
person he ran off with was Diana Fowley? 

What the hell was he doing consorting with her! He had been 
nagging her all morning! She was doing work. She was getting the 
stupid report done! She was the one always, always, always, 
chasing him down, fixing his messes, covering his ass! 
"I am so damn tired of all this crap!" The words were shouted out 
loud and several pedestrians turned to look at the petite redhead,
in heels and impeccable Donna Karan, looking like she was ready to 
spit at the next person who dared get in her way. 

She was, however, oblivious to the stares around her, and 
continued her march down the avenue, tears cooling on her 
cheeks. 

***

Friday, May 24

Leaning back against the soft cushions, Scully allowed the scene
to play before her closed lids. She saw herself outside his door,
poised to knock when she heard the voices as a low hum muffled 
through the solid wood. Hesitating for only a moment, (oh how she 
wished she could rewind the scene and turn and flee before) she 
knocked. Yes, she knocked. She didn't hesitate when she heard those 
voices, even though she could make an educated guess as to who the 
higher female voice belonged. Her rap on the door was not timid or 
hesitant in the least. It was a strong forceful knock, demanding 
entrance as if it was her right. When Mulder answered the door, 
surprise written all over his face, she pushed by him to find 
herself face to face with a scowling Diana Fowley, seated on his 
leather couch, wine glass poised halfway between the table 
and her mouth. 

The scene playing behind her eyes slowed down and Scully 
remembered with clarity how she had felt at that moment. 
She took in Diana's long legs, perfectly encased in sheer 
stockings, her skirt showing a little more leg than appropriate 
for a business meeting. She was acutely aware of the flush on 
Diana's face and how her low cut, silk blouse, gaped in all the
right places. Next to her, Scully felt dowdy. She had spent at 
least two hours slamming her three inch heels on DC's finest 
concrete and her own silk blouse bore the sweat stains to 
prove it. Her skirt was covered in a fine film of dust and her 
jacket was wrinkled from being clutched in her sweaty hands 
where it had ended up halfway through her marathon walk. 
Her black Kenneth Cole heels were torn from their 
encounter with a sewer grate and her hair was tangled, 
pulled back in a loose ponytail in an attempt to keep the 
unruly mess out of her face. Although not a heavy make up 
user, there had been enough mascara to leave black marks 
under her red and puffy eyes. She should have left at this 
point, but Dana Scully wasn't thinking with her regular 
rationality. It was debatable whether she was thinking at 
all, but that was a thought to be held for introspection 
on another day. She looked from Mulder to Fowley and back 
again. Whereas Diana looked pissed, Mulder looked, well, 
Mulder looked guilty. Dana took in his stance. 
He seemed ill at ease, almost embarrassed.  He opened 
his mouth to say something but never got 
the chance. Dana Scully exploded. That was the only
word to describe how the torrent of words left 
her mouth and her heart.
 
She grimaced as she remembered, almost word for word, 
what she had flung at her partner. 

"Well, isn't this nice and cozy? What the hell were you 
thinking leaving the office without telling me, your 
partner, where the hell you were going. Well, you know 
something, I am tired of it. I am tired of being left to 
wonder where you've hared off too. I am tired of playing 
second fiddle to your busty brunettes with their perfect 
legs! I am sick to death of being treated as your fucking 
trusty dog, pushing my feelings aside each time you trample
on them telling myself 'it's okay Dana, he didn't really 
mean to hurt you or ditch you or treat you like shit!' 
I am tired of covering for you, writing your fucking 
reports and running interference with other agents. 
I am fed up with having no life. I can't even remember 
what it is like to have a date. But you - you always 
seem to have time to fit leisure in. Oh excuse 
me; your work is your life! Well that is fucking great 
for you. You just leave and I am left to clean it all up. 
Today you left me to finish your report - your late report. 
And where are you? You're here, with Diana, having a life. 
Well, I want a life.You seem to have made your choice, 
well here's mine; I quit."

By this time, Mulder was staring at her, open mouthed, 
in shock. Whether it was her casual use of language, 
her intensity, the actual content of her tirade or a 
combination of all three, Scully wasn't 
sure. When she stopped to take a breath, she became 
embarrassingly aware that tears were once again coursing 
down her cheeks. Perfect, she thought grimly. It was a perfect 
addition to finish off her disheveled appearance. Without 
another word she turned, slamming the door behind her 
before either could make a response. 

She mentally reviewed the rest of the evening. She hadn't
even stepped into her apartment when she heard the 
phone begin to ring. She knew who it was, and had no 
intention of talking to him so soon after leaving. At 
the sound of Mulder's voice urging her to call him, 
Scully turned the volume off. She spent the rest of the 
evening furiously cleaning her already spotless apartment, 
ending with a long, hot soak, falling exhausted into bed 
late that night. She had counted 22 messages and erased 
them all without listening. Mulder was certainly persistent; 
she'd give him that. She was surprised that he didn't 
come straight over when it became obvious she wasn't 
answering. Diana, she imagined, would have everything 
to do with that. Rubbing fresh tears from her eyes, Scully 
was only a little startled when someone knocked softly on 
her door. There was no doubt in her mind as to who it was.
The timing was just about right if he had gone to the office, 
talked to Skinner and drove over. She held still. 
If she made no movement perhaps he would just go away.
She heard a jangling and the sound of a key being
turned in the lock. Shit! Scully was up off the couch, 
determined to throw the chain lock before he could get 
the door open. She didn't make it in time.  

Dana Katherine Scully found herself toe to toe with one
Fox William Mulder. 

"We need to talk." 

Scully stepped away from the door in acquiescence. 
She kept her head down as Mulder made his way into 
her apartment. What was she going to say to him now?


Mulder took in her discarded purse, dropped by the door, her 
impeccably tailored navy blue Donna Karan, the cream - colored 
silk blouse peaking out. Her "illness" must have been short
lived he thought with just a hint of humor. He pulled his face 
into a neutral mask as she raised her eyes to face him for the 
first time since her display the previous day. She had been 
crying and it was obvious she had spent more of the night awake 
than asleep. The gray circles under her eyes were punctuated 
with bits of black mascara, streaked from being wiped. 
Her blue eyes were clouded with something that looked 
like a cross between regret and embarrassment.
Mulder took a deep breath. This wasn't going to be 
easy. 

"Can we talk?"

Dana returned her partner's scrutiny with the same intensity. 
His suit was wrinkled. It was, in fact, the same suit he had 
on yesterday and it looked as if he had slept in it. He hadn't 
yet shaved and he smelt a little like stale coffee and sweat. 
It looked as if his night had been 
as restless as hers. With a shudder she drew in a breath.

"I don't think there is much to say. I'm sorry I went off on 
such a rant. It wasn't my place to say some of the things 
I did, even if I did think them. I... I... I've been thinking 
Mulder, and maybe now would be a good time for me to 
move on to something else."  

"Move on?" Mulder felt two things happen at once. He felt the 
bile rise in his stomach as his anger flared. A little louder 
this time he repeated the words. "Move on, Scully? To where 
would you move on to? You come into my apartment, call me 
all sorts of names, jump to all sorts of conclusions and 
now you want to just -move on-?"

Mulder took a step closer and Scully moved back. He took 
another step closer; she retreated further. Her backwards
progress was halted when she felt the backs of her legs hit 
the coffee table. He towered above her, anger flaring in 
his eyes, mouth held tightly in a line. She had never 
been afraid of Mulder before. There was a first 
time for everything.

"You're scaring me." Her voice was muffled somewhat by how 
closely she was standing to his chest. Her neck hurt from 
the angle she was forced to keep it at, looking up at him. 
"Can you move back a step or two, Mulder?" She watched as 
he became slowly aware of how he was holding his body over 
hers, of how close he was. He took a step back and she felt
her relax as her breathing slowed. 
Mulder felt some of his anger diminish as he looked down at her. 
She looked anxious. Although he was still nursing some anger 
over her tirade, a part of him knew that some of her accusations 
were true or close to the truth. He felt his heart constrict in 
pain as he realized that he had hurt her again, coming in here 
and using his size to push her around.  Shit! This wasn't going 
well at all! He took another step back and another deep breath. 
Okay, start again. "Sorry. I don't mean to corner you. 
How 'bout we make some coffee first?" 

"That would be good." She retreated to the kitchen, glad of a 
reprieve and some time to think about what she was going to say 
without him hovering. Mulder stayed in the other room and she 
busied herself getting the coffee ready. 


They settled at Scully's dining room table. Having it between 
them made if feel more like a conference, more like business. 
Scully needed to keep the discussion impersonal, professional. 
After her complete meltdown yesterday, she needed every ounce 
of atmosphere to help her keep focused. The last thing Mulder 
needed was a repeat performance. She settled the cups on the 
table and placed her hands atop one another on the table. 
"So, what is it you want to discuss with me?"

It was all he could do not to choke on the sip of coffee. Even 
though she had taken the time to splash water on her face, her 
eyes were still slightly puffy; it was obvious that she had been 
crying. It was this fact that forced him to keep the laughter 
down as he watched her attempt to be the consummate professional. 
It was hard to match this Dana Scully with the sailor who 
punctuated her speech yesterday with such colorful language. 
"Okay. You want to start with showing up at my place yesterday 
and entertaining my neighbors?"

"I wasn't trying to entertain anybody. You ditched me. Again." 
Her words were spoken softly but there was a steely 
determination in her eyes that told Mulder not to 
underestimate the fire behind them. 
 
"I didn't ditch you."

"You left me in the office. Doing your report. You spent all 
morning snapping at me and then you got another of your 
mysterious phone calls and you just left. You didn't tell 
me where you were going. You left me to worry about what 
kind of a jam you might be getting yourself into this time. 
I was left wondering how I was going to figure out where you 
were if you did need me to pull your ass out!" Scully's voice 
had been growing steadily louder with each statement. 
"And then, I get a phone call from that - from Diana Fowley. 
She wants to know if you've left yet. I was worrying myself 
silly wondering if I was going to be getting a call from 
the hospital sometime in the next 24 hours, and you were 
entertaining Miss Perky with the long legs. I ruined my fucking 
shoes!" Her voice had risen steadily and Scully found herself 
leaning forward, each statement punctuated by a stab to Mulder's 
chest. He was attempting to lean back, away from her persistent 
finger, as she became aware of her posture. *Shit* She wasn't in 
control and she needed to be. Blushing, embarrassed yet again, 
she sagged back down into her chair.

Mulder drew in a jagged breath. Well, that went well! He wasn't 
sure how to respond. Only once, when her brother Bill had tried 
to interfere in her life, had he seen her this angry. He wondered
where his normally calm, cool and in control partner was hiding. 

"What would you like me to respond to first?" Mulder kept his 
tone of voice level, attempting to allow her control of the 
conversation. It appeared that this was the best way he had of 
ensuring the conversation continued. He was somewhat surprised
when she responded as calmly as she did. 

"Well, I guess first . . . I would like to ask you . . . "
realizing, with a sinking heart, that all her questions started 
and ended with Diana Fowley. The scene she stumbled onto last 
night flashed briefly before her. She was aware that, although 
her complaints had some validity, Mulder was not required to 
report his evening activities to her. She may not like 
Diana Fowley, but she did not have the right to decide for 
Mulder with whom he spent his free time. She realized, 
with a sinking heart, the only thing she could really hold 
Mulder responsible for was worrying her without reason, 
for not telling her where he was going when he abruptly 
left the office yesterday.

"I may have overreacted when you left the office in 
such a hurry yesterday. It's none of my business who you 
spend your free time with. I just needed to know that 
you were safe." 

"Scully?"

"Look, just forget it. As I said, I overreacted. I'm fine now."

Fuck it all. It was going to be a long day.

"Forget it? No way, I'm not going until you tell me what's 
going on inside that head of yours." His reply was firm 
and her answer was reflected in the challenge.

"I said 'I'm fine." 

"Well, I would say skipping work blows that out of the water. 
You told Skinner you were sick. Are you sick, Scully?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

A different tactic was needed, as this wasn't getting him 
anywhere. Mulder decided to incur further wrath and dive 
right into her uncharacteristic display of temper. "And I said 
I'm not going anywhere until we get some things straightened out. 
I would like to try and understand where your little 
display yesterday came from."

Scully took a deep breath, calming her quickening heart, 
and, clasping her hands together to keep them from shaking, 
allowed her face relax into impassiveness. She could see 
through the set of Mulder's shoulders that he was 
in for the long haul. 

Scully thought back to the moment Diana Fowley became 
something other than a name associated with Mulder's
past and the beginnings of the X-Files. It may have 
started with a few lax comments from Frohike but she 
came to life when a young boy named Gibson and the 
horror known as El Rico invaded her ordered world. 
Diana Fowley was a believer. Mulder didn't have to 
spend his time proving much to this woman. He volleyed and 
she returned in smooth synchronization. No interpreter 
needed. They spoke the same language, saw the same 
little gray men within the same conspiracies. Whereas she 
demanded proof, Diana provided encouragement, allowing his 
ideas to grow in proportion to her belief. While she demanded 
the scientific data to back up his latest hypothesis, 
Diana was waiting in the wings to embrace and 
encourage with open arms, and Scully learned to hate her. 
She resented this woman's hold on Mulder. She only had to 
crook her little finger, indicating new information, 
and Mulder began to salivate. She knew from what little 
the gunmen had shared, and what she learned through her own 
investigation, that the relationship had been serious but 
short. Why Diana had transferred out wasn't clear, but her 
sudden appearance in their lives and her constant meddling 
left her wondering what the woman was really after. 
She had a few ideas but Dana had regulated those feelings 
that went along with those to the furthest part of her mind.
They were there, buried with all the lost hopes and dreams she 
had gathered along the way. The X-files were both her salvation
and her executioner. She could no longer see her life apart from 
them but often wondered what kind of life she was going to have 
because of them. Mulder was a fixture within them and all who grew 
close to him spent their time in orbit around his obsession, around 
him. She was tired. She wanted a life. She wanted out of the car. 
She wanted to be able to walk down a street, any street, without 
having to worry about long shadows or things hiding within the 
shadows. If she was really honest with herself, she had wanted 
Mulder as part of that life. The problem was, he seemed to be 
completely taken with the leggy brunette he had started the journey 
with and she could no longer pretend that everything was fine. 
There was also a "small" matter of trust and she did 
not trust Diana Fowley.

Mulder waited patiently as she rolled these thoughts through her 
head, hazel eyes fixed on blue. He watched the internal debate, 
wondering who would win, Scully in control, ready with a logical 
explanation or the Scully he glimpsed early yesterday evening. It 
was obvious she did not like or trust Diana, and he would almost 
wager that what he was seeing was a very jealous Dana Scully. 
Maybe the time had come for them to finally deal with the 
unacknowledged feelings that hovered around the edges of their 
relationship. Coffee was a good distraction and he headed to the 
kitchen to refill his cup. "Do you want another one?"

"No, I'm okay here."

As he pulled the carafe out and poured another cup Mulder was 
drawn to a brightly colored announcement card sitting on the 
counter. Tara and Bill were parents again. The card contained a 
picture of the newest member of the Scully clan. No wonder Scully 
was edgier than usual. Not only had they been out in the field when 
the baby was born, babies and children in general were a touchy 
subject. Her strong reaction made a little more sense with this 
weighing on her mind. Retrieving his cup, he made his way back to 
the table and took his spot across from her. 

Scully looked up at him. She was finding it difficult to sort 
through the strong feelings invading her orderly existence and 
wasn't sure how to begin explaining her actions without revealing 
too much. The shrill ringing of Mulder's cell phone interrupted 
her thoughts. 

"Yeah." There was a brief pause and then, "Not right now Diana." 
Mulder's facial expression remained neutral despite the tight grip 
his other hand held on the table edge. "I said, not now."

By the time he hung up Scully was out of her seat and motioning 
towards the door. "I really think you should go now."

Mulder drew in a breath and tried to get inside his partners head. 
Poised, with her hand still motioning towards the door she looked 
like she was either going to kick his ass straight through or burst 
into tears. 

"I owe you an explanation."

"You don't owe me anything. I was out of line. 
I just want you to go."

Something hardened inside Mulder. Taking a deep breath he 
moved the few steps to where she stood. Grabbing her wrist he 
pulled her into the living room and onto the sofa. "We're going 
to talk. I need to tell you what happened."

She crossed her arms as she realized he wasn't going anywhere.  
"So, talk."

"What you saw wasn't what it looked like. I got a call from Diana. 
She said she had information for me."

"I'll bet she had information." It was just loud enough 
for Mulder to hear.

"You have it wrong."

"No. YOU have it wrong. That woman has done nothing but 
manipulate you. I don't understand why you can't see it. She 
uses your trust against me. She has been toying with you since 
she came back into your life. Just what is she to you?"

He took a deep breath, realizing how personal her question was, 
wondering himself just where Diana fit these days - or if she 
fit at all. True, at one time he thought himself in love with her, 
but that was over long ago. She was still a friend, one who 
started this journey with him so long ago, still a valuable 
source of information. "She is still interested in the work. 
he calls me up when she has something for me."

With a snort Scully pulled her hand from where Mulder still 
gripped her wrist and stood up. "She's interested all right!  
How can you be so blind? She has been trying to push her way 
back into your life since she showed up, and not just to help 
you with 'the work' She pushes her way between us every chance 
she gets. I don't trust her and I can't understand how you 
an follow her unquestioningly. She's connected to them. 
You refuse to see her hand in any of the things that have 
happened. And the thing is, I'm in the firing line 
now, too.  It's not only you who's going to get screwed in all 
this." Scully took a deep breath and lowered her voice until 
she was speaking just above a whisper. "I did a lot of thinking 
today.  We've been out of sync for a while now. I even wondered 
if we've been partners too long, you know, that maybe it's time 
for you to find someone who shares your beliefs, who you didn't 
have to argue with so much." With her eyes tracing the 
patterns in the throw rug she missed the look of sheer panic on 
Mulder's face, followed quickly with a flush of anger. 


Fuck. Mulder sat back studying Scully's stiff form. It was 
personal, that was what she had said that time at the gunmen's. 
She thought he wanted Diana for a partner again? Had she been 
blind all this time? He tried to read her eyes, her body 
language, but she was holding herself in check. Her eyes, 
when she raised them to meet his, were calm pools of icy blue 
with just a hint of anger, and -hurt -lurking in the background.  
"I'm not looking for a new partner!" Mulder took a deep breath. 
"She asked me to meet her, she said she had some information 
for me." He watched her eyebrow arch. One day he was going 
to have to figure out how she did that. 

"Do your informants usually meet you at your apartment 
with white wine?" There was no sarcasm, just the quiet
words of a woman who didn't know where she belonged anymore. 

"That wasn't where she told me to meet her. She didn't show at 
the park she told me to go to. I waited for over an hour. I was 
pissed at being led around again. I had some errands to run, 
dry cleaning and stuff to pick up, so I just went and did it. 
When I got back to my place she was already there. Honestly, 
I hadn't been there very long when you came by. I know how 
it looked but I wasn't there with her in the way you were 
thinking. If you had looked, you would have 
noticed that she was the only one drinking. I was going to 
ask her to leave as soon as I got an explanation from her."
Mulder moved closer and, placing his fingers under her chin, 
lifted her face up to meet his eyes. "After this many years 
do you think I would be so callous as to treat you like that?" 

He was too close. The tightly held anger that had been fuelling 
her was dissipating and she was missing the clarity it had 
afforded her. She knew she needed to come clean with him but 
she wondered if she had the nerve to reveal anything other than
the professional, superficial concerns. They weren't any less 
valid than the deeper more personal ones; just easier to deal 
with, less risky considering the rocky ground their relationship 
seemed to be on these days. He was waiting for her to say 
something but she didn't know if she was going to be able to 
get any words out without tears overwhelming her. She was tired, 
hungry and aching all over. The last 24 hours were crashing in 
on her and she didn't know if she was going to be able to stand
and hold it together long enough to get him out the door before 
she gave in, letting it consume her. Her body trembled 
from the exertion of holding it together, keeping her back
straight, feelings tucked securely behind a wall. One lone
tear escaped without a sound being uttered and Scully new she 
was losing, knew that her fatigue was about to be her undoing. 

Mulder watched as it tracked down her cheek, knowing the 
significance of that one break in her amour, knowing what it 
would cost her to allow him to see her as weak, emotional. 
He knew that if he allowed her any time to think about what 
was happening the moment would be gone and the walls would be 
more firmly in place, possibly higher, certainly more guarded. 
Time slowed and he seemed to be watching himself from somewhere 
outside his own body leaning forward and pulling her to him. 
She gave little resistance and emboldened, with her more firmly 
in his embrace, he brushed his lips across hers. She gave a little 
gasp of surprise, which was quickly swallowed as his lips pressed 
more firmly against hers.

For Scully, it was almost like waking from a dream. One minute she 
was wondering, desperately, how she was going to manage to get 
away, get out before completely falling apart and the next it was 
as if she was pushing through the haze of a disjointed dream. She 
felt herself being pushed back and lost her footing as her leg came 
in contact with the corner of the couch. It was enough to bring her 
back to herself, conscious of what she was doing and with whom. 
With a start she pulled away, landing hard on the sofa behind her. 
Their breath seemed suspended in the air between them and they 
began talking at once.

"I'm sorry Scully - - - I"

"Mulder - - - I - - -I"

"Go ahead Scully."

"I don't think I am any good at this, you know?" She took a 
deep breath.

His response was a soft chuckle, glad that she wasn't throwing 
him out. His lips still tingled from where they had been pressed 
against hers and his hand moved of it's own accord, his index 
finger softly tracing the outline. "I don't think either of 
us know how to do this." 

She answered with a sad smile. "I don't trust her, Mulder. 
Not just where the work is concerned. I don't trust her 
in your life. As a part of your life " 
There, she'd said it; sort of. 

Mulder sat down beside her. She was still a little flushed 
and her lips were a little redder. He rolled her words 
around trying to see the meaning behind them. This was personal. 
That's what she had said once, and together with the 
events of the last two days he began to believe that she 
might be ready to finally move forward with him. 
There was no question in his mind that he loved her. 
Was in love with her. But she didn't make it easy for him.
Perhaps he hadn't been as transparent as he thought he was.  
Maybe he would have to be the one to risk it. Maybe that
would give her the freedom to say what she needed to. 
He took a deep breath. "Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"How much do you know about Diana and me?"

"Oh, Mulder. Enough."

"I want you to hear it from me. All of it." Her answering 
smile was weak, forced. He knew it would be a touchy 
subject but it was time to clear some things up. 
Deep breath Mulder, you can do this. 

"I met her just before I discovered the X-Files. I had been 
through a bit of a rough time with the BSU and she was 
right there. At times I wonder if she had been a plant 
of old Smokey's even back then, but I am not entirely 
convinced of that. I am aware, just so you know, of 
their connection. That was thanks to you Scully, although
I wasn't too happy at the time, you know?  Anyhow, she was 
just there. I needed someone to keep me sane and she did.
We didn't last long. Those files were everything to me. 
They were the ticket to finding my sister. I sensed that, 
even back then. I knew I was onto something and I can be 
pretty focused well, you know how focused I can get. 
It wasn't the best thing for a new relationship. She hung 
around for a bit. We even looked into some of the first cases 
together. It didn't take much to convince her - it wasn't 
like it is now with you. She just followed my lead. I was 
flattered after taking a beating under Patterson." He 
chanced a glance to check her reaction. She wasn't meeting 
his eyes, but he could tell from the slump of her shoulders 
that something wasn't sitting well. "Scully?" 
Yup, there was hurt shading her eyes. 

"Is that what you want Mulder? Someone who thinks the same?"

"Honestly, there are times when I question whether or not we 
saw the same thing, or were even in the same room. I wonder 
how you can ignore some of the things we witness. I think 
you're scared to admit that your science doesn't cover 
everything. But, no, I wouldn't want that blind devotion again. 
I told you once you keep me honest. You make me work for 
what we get and have given the work a credibility it would 
never have. I just wish, sometimes, that you could relax, 
not try and find a rational explanation for everything."

"Mulder---"

"Let me finish Scully. There was no balance with Diana. 
Home was work and work was home. We weren't officially 
living together or anything but we spent a lot of time 
together. It was too much too soon, I think.  Eventually 
she wanted a lot more from the relationship than I was 
able to give. She wanted to start having a life outside 
of the X-Files, as a couple, and I just wanted to find my 
sister. I think she loved me. I don't know if what I felt 
for her was love or if I was taken in by how devoted she 
seemed to be to both the work and me. It was over within 
the first year. She took a transfer to Europe and I stayed 
in the basement. The thing is, she really was supportive 
of the work. That's why I have a hard time seeing duplicity 
there. I don't think it started like that for her. 
I think somewhere along the way it happened, someone got 
a hold of something about her and used it to hook her in. 
I can't believe she would willingly turn her back on me, 
on what the X-Files were to her at one time. She really 
loved them as much as I did. What you walked in on, Scully, 
honestly, she wasn't at the meeting spot. I came home to find 
her already there. I think she was planning for a different 
kind of meeting than she let on when she called." Mulder's 
last comment was accompanied by a quiet chuckle. 

She drew in a shaky breath. " I was jealous." 
There, she said it. 

"Well, no kidding Sherlock. Scully?"

"Yeah?" She still wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Hey." He moved closer and tucking his fingers under her chin, 
gently raised her eyes to meet his. "You are everything to me 
Scully. I wouldn't risk that. I asked her to leave right after 
you did. I tried calling but you weren't answering. I should 
have let you know when she called and if I was smart I would 
have brought you with me. I know I let myself get set up there. 
I wasn't trying to piss you off or hurt you." He waited, 
searching for some response from her, some reaction to let 
him know what she was thinking and feeling, that they 
were finally on the same page, and then, deciding they had 
done enough mental gymnastics pulled her into his lap, holding 
her in the circle of his arms. Then his lips were right there, 
closing in on hers. Soft and tentative as he tried to 
pour all his love for her into it, as if by osmosis she 
would feel his heart, his soul; and she did. She 
could sense it and was responding. Becoming soft and 
pliant under his hands her soft moans were quickly turning 
an innocent first kiss - well second really -- into something 
that demanded more. Pulling away from her lips he trailed 
a line of kisses to her ear. "Love you so much Scully." 
And then he was back, his tongue finding her hot and 
ready. Letting him in. Pushing her down onto the couch
under him, he began unbuttoning her sweater, momentarily 
opening his eyes, asking permission. A drunken nod and 
a louder moan were all the encouragement he needed and 
he was lost. She was soft and responsive and he knew 
it would not be romantic and slow. Their first time was 
destined to be hot and hard and fast. Too many years 
of suppressing feelings and he was ready to explode with 
her still mostly dressed, and judging by her response 
she was right there with him. There was no time for 
eloquence and no time for a romantic exit into the 
bedroom. The couch would have to do for this 
time. This time. He would make sure there were 
other times to follow. 


***

It was later, much later when she was able to think
with some clarity. They had managed, with great 
difficulty, to make their way to her bedroom although 
in their rush they made do with clothing only partially 
removed. The second time was better, slower, less urgent, 
but still intense. Cradling her in his arms, he had fallen 
asleep and now she was left with time to think through 
what had just taken place and too many of those thoughts 
were quickly becoming regrets. Not about loving him, 
she knew she loved him, and he had let her know that 
the feelings were returned, but about the 
implications for their working relationship, 
their partnership. 

"Stop thinking." He pulled her in tighter and kissed 
the top of her head. "This was not a mistake."

Her sigh was somewhat muffled by his chest. "I don't know 
what to do next, where we go from here, what 
this means for us."

"It means whatever you want it to. I think it's time 
we allowed ourselves some happiness Scully. Close your 
eyes; get some sleep. I don't think you managed 
very much last night."

"Did I look that bad?" She gave a soft chuckle that 
tickled the hairs on his chest. 

"Shhh. Sleep."

"-k."

"Hmm, Scully?"

"You said sleep."

"Marry me?"

***

Across town, as she disconnected, having reached Mulder's 
voice mail yet again, Diana Fowley suspected she had 
played this one wrong. She may have lost this battle, 
but the war, as far as she was concerned, was far from over.