TITLE: The Secret Nobody Knows
AUTHOR: Rae
CATEGORY: MSR
RATING: Nudity, Adult Content, Adult Language
DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask and you shall receive.
www.geocities.com/rachellee7/fanfic/secretnobodyknows.txt
SUMMARY: What if there had never been a bee?
FEEDBACK: Lovingly received at ultimatexffan@gmail.com
NOTES: at end.

The fight hadn't resolved a thing.  They both slammed their 
mouths closed, neither one conceding, each refusing to give 
an inch.  The air around them was charged, heated with 
their anger.  They stared silently at one another, both 
straining to calm their breathing.  

She watched disbelieving as he marched back into his 
apartment.  She followed closely behind determined to 
settle the disagreement tonight.  If she were really 
leaving, she wanted to leave with their friendship intact.  

As she walked over the threshold, she reached behind 
herself to push the door closed.  She gasped in surprise as 
he rushed her, pushing her back against the partially open 
door until she found herself pressed tightly between the 
wood and his body.  The door slammed loudly, shattering the 
silence.  

He surrounded her.  He jammed his hands on the door beside 
each of her temples.  He pushed his right leg between her 
knees, pinning her.  His back was bowed bringing his chin 
down to his chest, his forehead almost resting on the crown 
of her head.  She felt as if she were being smothered 
within an angry cocoon.  

She was eye level with his chest and she would swear she 
could see his heart beating madly beneath his shirt.  She 
slowly raised her lashes and fixed on the thick vein 
pulsing in his throat.  She wanted to bite him right there 
- feel his fury against her tongue and lave it until his 
heart stampeded with passion instead of hostility.  

But she had ignited his rage.  She had known just what to 
say to garner this reaction and she was not disappointed.  
She had wanted to hurt him.  He'd left her no choice.  She 
was tired of gingerly teetering on the precipice that was 
their pseudo-relationship.  Feelings were expressed with 
meaningful gazes and well-placed touches always ready to be 
explained away if called to task.

She was done.  She'd had enough of the teasing and 
innuendo, the declarations of love that disappeared in the 
air as soon as they were spoken.  She wanted a straight 
answer.

Defiantly, she raised her head and looked deep into his 
eyes.  The color of his irises had darkened and his lids 
were half lowered, zeroed in on his target.  She dared him 
to say something.

"You manipulated me!" he answered her silent challenge.

"Yes," she hissed.

"Why?"

In response, she pushed her hips forward, pressing against 
his groin.  She wrapped her arms low around his waist and 
smoothed her hands down, down, down.  She grabbed his ass 
and pulled him forward as she tilted her hips again.  She 
ground herself against him over and over, never removing 
her gaze, waiting to see how he'd respond.  If he'd 
respond.

"You're playing a dangerous game," he growled. 

"No, I'm done playing games.  Either you want this or you 
don't.  No more pretending.  No more denial."

"If you wanted to get laid, all you had to do was ask."

For the briefest moment, she was shocked and hurt, but 
tamped it down, resigned to let him vent his frustration at 
the way she'd played him.  She felt the embittered fire 
ignite her eyes once more as she answered him, "Don't 
insult me."

He ground his molars to keep from speaking, refusing to 
look away.  The air crackled with rising tension and the 
silence was deafening as they each waited for the other to 
break.

With a sigh of defeat, she lowered her head, willing the 
tears not to fall.  She'd been on an emotional 
rollercoaster all day and she was ready to crack.  She 
pulled her arms behind her, resting her hands flat against 
the door and waited for him to step back to allow her room 
to walk away.  She just wanted to find a dark corner to 
lick her wounds.  She had been sure that if she forced his 
hand, he would admit he felt for her what she felt for him.  
Instead, he'd called her a whore.

She felt his weight shift against her but was still unable 
to move anything other than her arms or head.  She kept her 
head lowered, refusing to give him the satisfaction of 
seeing her tears.  She flinched when she felt his breath 
against her ear.  She stopped breathing, not wanting to 
miss a word his was whispering.

"I'm sorry.  Of course I didn't mean that."

"Didn't you, though?  I mean, this is what we do, right?"

His head was hanging so low, it was nearly on her shoulder.  
His hair tickled her neck. 

"What are you talking about?" he whispered.

"We play this game where we dance around each other.  We 
never just come right out and say how we feel.  Why do we 
do that, Mulder?  Why do we work so hard to uncover the 
truth, yet we can't even be honest with ourselves?"

"Tell me what you want to know.  I'll give it to you 
straight."

She stared at his leg, wedged between hers.  His jeans had 
a slight tear mid-thigh where the fabric was frayed, but 
not yet worn through.  His muscle was taut and she wanted 
to sink down and let him feel her wetness soak through.  It 
would be so easy, and yet, she couldn't do it.  She still 
wouldn't look at him.

"Why don't you want me to go to Utah?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

No, she thought.  

"I really need to ask," she answered.

"I could ask you why you need to go to Utah.  What are you 
running away from?"

A sob escaped, but came out sounding like an incredulous 
laugh as the parry continued.

"What happened to giving it to me straight?"

"Is that really what you want?  For me to give it to you?"

She looked up once more.  Found his eyes.  "It's what I 
want," she said.

In one fluid motion, he pushed himself off the door but 
kept her pinned with his knee.  He grabbed her head and 
pulled her mouth to his, forcing her mouth open with his 
tongue.  Her hands grappled at the door but could find no 
purchase, so she wrapped them around his neck and tried to 
crawl up his body.  She was mortified to hear the whimper 
that escaped her, and even more so when it turned into a 
groan.

Without breaking the kiss, he took one step back.  She had 
no choice but to follow.  He wrapped his arms around her 
waist and lifted.  She wrapped her legs around his hips and 
he walked her back against the door, using its solid 
surface to support her, and used his now free arms to rip 
open her blouse.

He wasted no time in getting inside her clothes and she 
heard her buttons hit the hardwood floor and bounce every 
which way.  She watched, amazed at her lewdness as her 
breasts rose and fell, and she realized she was panting.

She batted his hands away in an effort to bring him closer.  
She'd waited so long, she wanted nothing between them.  He 
cradled her head in his hands and tilted it one way, and 
then another, in an effort to deepen the kiss even further.  
She shamelessly began to rock her hips, riding his waist. 

He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back as he pulled 
away, both of them gasping for air as their mouths parted.

"What're you doing?" she demanded, surprised.

He grunted once and grabbed the lapels of her shirt and 
jacket, pushing them down her arms until they stuck, 
bunched at the elbow.  Unconcerned, he redirected his 
efforts to her bra, snapping open the front closure.  He 
pushed the soft cups aside and took her breasts into his 
palms, softly kneading the pliant flesh.  Her head rolled 
back and forth against the door, as she quietly whispered 
"yes, yes, yes."

He gathered her close once again, plundering her mouth with 
abandon, and turned to carry her to the bedroom.  He 
stopped twice along the way, using the walls to help 
support her weight when his knees threatened to buckle - 
not because of the added weight he was carrying, but 
because of the passion she had ignited within him.  She was 
whimpering and moaning, telling him over and over how good 
he felt, how she'd longed for just this.  He wanted to 
reply that he felt the same, but every time he took his 
mouth off hers, he found it planted on her breasts, her 
collarbone, her neck; constantly moving, never off her skin 
longer than it took to gulp in a fresh breath of air.

After what seemed an eternity but nothing more than a few 
scant seconds, they were at the foot of the bed.  Realizing 
she had no intention of unwrapping her legs from his waist, 
he turned around and sat down with her in his lap.  

She shucked her blouse, jacket and bra from her arms and 
began working his shirt up over his shoulders.  When they 
broke apart to pull the shirt over his head, he held her at 
arms length, gazing at her body.  She was on display, his 
personal exhibit.  

"Tell me why you're leaving."

"It would be an advancement, a step up."

"Since when are you interested in climbing the ladder?"

"Why shouldn't I be?" 
 
"I thought you were happy."  He almost added 'with me, with 
the X-Files', but was too scared to hear the answer.

"I'm working on it."

"Right.  In Utah."

"No.  In apartment 42, Alexandria, Virginia."

She pushed him flat on his back and fell on top of him.  
She captured his mouth with hers and began looking for 
happiness with her teeth and tongue.  Legs entwined, he 
rolled her underneath.  He pulled back and stared at her 
for a moment and she wondered if he could ever love her as 
much as she loved him.  She wondered if it was worth the 
risk to tell him.  She schooled her emotions and pulled him 
back down, determined to let her body tell him everything 
she was afraid to say.  She prayed he was listening.

She lay absolutely still as he kissed his way down her 
body, then kicked off her boots as he unbuttoned her pants 
and pulled them down her thighs, followed immediately by 
her panties.  He stood at the end of the bed, staring, and 
stripped off his remaining clothes.  He took his cock in 
his hand and pumped slowly once, twice, three times.

She watched, unashamed, and let her legs fall open.

It was easier than she thought it would be - becoming his 
lover.  She was tempted to reach down and comb her fingers 
through her curls to feel the effect he's had on her.  Her 
arms shook with the effort to not touch and she bit her lip 
in an effort to remain still.  She wanted him to see that 
she was laid out for him.  Only him.

He climbed back on the bed and covered her body with his, 
supporting most of his weight on his forearms.  He gently 
stroked her brow and peppered her face with kisses.  Her 
body was listening, but her mind was having a hard time 
believing what she had so desperately wanted was actually 
at hand.

He shifted a bit so he wasn't lying completely on top of 
her to make it easier to find her center with his finger.  
"In theory, it seems like it would be easy to achieve, to 
maintain."

"What's that?"  Her voice hitched once as he inserted his 
finger and stroked her from the inside.

"Happiness."

She rotated her hips to increase the friction, trying to 
find a rhythm that would put her clit in contact with his 
knuckles.  He leaned slightly to the left to keep her still 
and teased her a bit more before worming his thumb between 
her folds to tickle her clit.

"I want you to be happy, Scully."

It was the first time he'd said her name since she'd shown 
up here tonight.  It held so much tenderness and concern.  
Coupled with what his hand was doing below, she was nearly 
overwhelmed and had to blink back the tears as she 
swallowed the lump in her throat.

"You're right."  She was relieved her voice didn't crack, 
didn't betray the emotions running through her.

"About what?"

"It's easy in theory."

She pulled him down once more and stilled as he prepared to 
enter her.  It was a long, slow slide and her muscles 
started to spasm before he was completely in.  The orgasm 
was quick but powerful, and when she recovered, she 
realized she'd been whispering 'stay' over and over again.

"I'm not the one leaving, Scully," he whispered.  

He began to pump, a long stroke out and quick stab in.  
Every time he pierced her, she would gasp aloud, as if 
surprised to find him hovering above her, her hips cradling 
his.

He set an easy, even tempo, determined to take his time.  
He wanted to drive her to the brink to see her eyes filled 
with passion, to hear her soft moans again.

"Don't punish me for having the strength to walk away - for 
wanting to make a life for myself," she muttered between 
quick breaths.

"Do you really want to discuss this now?"

"I'm sorry, Mulder, were you under the impression - ahhh -  
that another conversation was taking place?"

"No, I just thought we'd pick the conversation back up 
after we were finished."

"When we're 'finished', I'm leaving.  Or staying.  This 
umm...this oh!..."

"Scully?" 

"Yeah?" 

"You with me?" he grunted.

"I'm with you.  I'm so with you," she panted. 

"You were deciding to stay?"

"Ummm, yeah," she whispered.  

"So you're NOT going to Utah?"

"As I was saying, this - Oh God! - conversation will 
determine which."

"What exactly are you playing at here, Scully?"

"Mulder, why'd you stop?"

He had gone completely still, so she planted her feet 
firmly on the mattress and began to thrust.  He immediately 
grabbed her hips to stop her.


"I want to know what you think this is."  He was sitting on 
his knees between her thighs, waving his hands back and 
forth between the two of them.

"Don't you get it?  Haven't you figured it out yet?"

"I'm usually pretty quick on the uptake," he said.  
"Obviously, I'm missing something.  Why don't you help me 
out?"

He refused to let her move.  She turned her head, trying to 
bury her face in the pillow.  The tears came first, 
followed shortly by the sobs.  Her whole body was shaking 
from the force of her anguish.  She grabbed one of the 
pillows and pulled it over her face, trying in vain to hide 
her emotions.

"Damnit, Scully!  What the hell is going on?"  He gently 
pulled the pillow away and was sickened at the site of her 
crying while his penis was still hard inside her.  He tried 
to pull out but she frantically pulled at him, keeping him 
in place by locking her legs around his waist and pulling 
him down, his chest resting against hers.  She buried her 
head in his shoulder and they both shook as she quietly 
cried.  It didn't take long for him to lose his erection 
and when she felt him slip out of her, she cried even 
harder.

He tried to soothe her with small, sweet kisses placed 
wherever he could reach, whispering "tell me" and "what's 
wrong" and "please, Scully".  But never what she wanted to 
hear - what she'd been waiting to hear.

Finally, he felt her go limp as she quieted.  He gently 
brushed the tears from her face but refused to give her 
room to escape.  

"We're not leaving this bed until you tell me what that was 
all about."

"I don't want to go to Utah."  Her voice was hoarse from 
her ragged sobs.

"So then don't go."

"It's not that simple."

"The hell it's not!  Why would you go if you don't want to 
go?" 

"Because I can't stay."

"You're confusing the hell out of me, Scully.  Seriously.  
I'm trying to understand, but I have no idea what's going 
on."

He was still lying on top of her, smoothing her hair back 
from her forehead.  The gesture was touching and her heart 
was breaking for it.

"I don't want to go to Utah, but there's no reason for me 
to stay.  Here."  She silently added 'with you'.

"We've come so close so many times to blowing the lid on 
Old Smokey's whole damned operation, and..."

"Not everything is about those damned files, Mulder.  Work 
is work whether it's on the X-Files here in DC, or as the 
head of Forensics in Utah."

His mind was racing, trying to pull all the pieces 
together.  "...wanting to make a life for myself...No.  In 
apartment 42, Alexandria, Virginia...I don't want to go to 
Utah...Don't you get it?  Haven't you figured it out yet?"

He swallowed the bile in his throat.  "It's about me.  This 
is all about me.  And you.  You came here to what?  To test 
me?  To bait me?"

She let out a frustrated breath before answering.  "I need 
you to give me a reason to stay, Mulder."

"I've made it pretty clear that I don't want you to go."

"I need more."

"What more?  Tell me what you need me to do.  Please.  
Because other than telling you to stay, which I've already 
done, I don't know what you from me, Scully.  What else can 
I say?"

"I need to know that I mean more to you."  She whispered 
the plea, ashamed to let him see her weakness.

"You mean everything to me!"

"That I'm more than just some by-line in the X-Files."

"I'm here, in this bed, proving just that."

She shook her head, blinked once and twin tears escaped and 
tracked down her cheeks.

"I mean," she took a deep, calming breath.  "That you love 
me as much as I love you."  She had never been so scared.  
Flukemen and aliens and government conspiracies she could 
handle.  Baring her soul to the man she loved brought her 
to her knees. 

He just stared at her in disbelief as she continued.

"Because I do.  I love you so much that I can't wait to get 
to work so I can see you.  That sometimes my heart gets so 
full just seeing you smile.  And every time a new case 
comes across your desk, I get so scared because I know 
you're going to invest so much of yourself and follow every 
lead to the end.  Yet you'll only learn that we were once 
again pawns in some sick and twisted game started long 
before we were even born.  You'll be crushed.  And my heart 
will break.  Again."

"You honestly think I don't love you."

"I don't know, Mulder.  Sometimes I've thought you must.  
But then again, sometimes I've thought that you could never 
love anyone as much as you love the X-Files.  I guess I'm 
tired of always coming up second."

"Shit, Scully, I was ready to follow you to Utah."

"What?  You'd really follow me all the way to Utah?"

"I'd follow you to the ends of the earth and back again.  
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, including give 
up the X-Files."

"You'd give up the X-Files?  For me?"

"How's the real estate market in Utah?  A two-bedroom 
should be big enough for us, don't you think?  Or do you 
just want to skip the apartments and start shopping for a 
house?"

"You can't be serious, Mulder!"

"I've never been more serious.  I won't lose you.  Don't 
ever doubt me when it comes to you or my feelings for you.  
I told you, I want you to be happy and I'll do anything 
within my power to make you happy.  If you want me to 
quit...If it will keep you here, I'll walk away right now.  
I'll walk out of that basement and never look back."

"Of course not.  I just need to know that I'm more than 
your partner.  That I've read all your crazy signs 
correctly and we're moving forward to the next logical 
stage.  That you even think there is a next stage."

"C'mere."

He rolled to his side and pulled her with him so they were 
still face to face, but she was now able to breathe easier.  
He tucked her under his chin and held her gently as he 
rocked her.  She was once again cocooned within him, but 
this time, she was wrapped in love instead of anger. 

He was touching her, caressing her all over.  She began to 
relax, feeling secure for the first time in a long time.  
Every touch felt brand new.  No one had ever taken so much 
care.  There was no manipulation on either part, no 
ulterior motive.  She found herself humming with pleasure.

She reached down between them and took his penis in her 
hand.  She stroked him slowly, like she'd seen him do 
earlier, feeling him grow, become hard.  He pumped his hips 
in counterpoint to her strokes.

"Scully," he whispered.

"Mulder," she answered.

She rolled him onto his back, straddled his hips, rose up 
on her knees and sank onto his cock.  

The room was silent except for their breathing.  Their 
bodies were still.

She opened her eyes and found him looking at her.  She 
began to move; slowly at first, rocking on top of him.  She 
wanted to draw it out, make it last for him.  She wanted to 
show him she could give as good as she got.

But slow only worked for so long.  As much as this was 
about love, it was also about need.  She needed him to 
come.  She needed to see him lose all abandon and feel him 
as he spilled his need into her.  She needed to see that 
she had the same effect on him that he had on her.

She leaned down until her lips brushed against his ear and 
whispered, "There's a difference between fucking and making 
love.  Right now I'm going to fuck you.  And later, Mulder, 
you can make love to me."

Her words snapped his senses and he bucked up into her. 
She shattered around him.

She regained her breath and rolled off him.  She snuggled 
up against him, her head pillowed on the squishy part of 
his shoulder.   Her muscles were thrumming; her core was 
still pulsing, quietly letting her know his absence from 
her body would not be tolerated for long.  She felt him run 
his fingers through her hair and smiled.  Yes, she could 
definitely get used to this.

She had begun to drift into the fuzzy zone between sleep 
and wakefulness but wasn't quite ready to let go 
completely.  The air felt pregnant with unspoken words and 
she silently waited to see what would be revealed.  

She drew lazy patterns on his chest with her fingertips.

Without warning she was underneath him and he was devouring 
her mouth, claiming her with lips and tongue.  She wanted 
to pour herself into him so he could know the depth of her 
feelings.

He parted her thighs with his knee and she felt him rooting 
at her opening.  She wrapped her legs around his waist, 
locked her ankles at his back.  And then he was there - so 
deep inside they were one being; two halves of one soul 
finding each other at last.

She lost herself in the wonder of him.  

"Open your eyes, Scully."

When she did, she found his face right above hers.  He was 
so close she could see the varied specs of color in his 
eyes, could see the bright burning passion.  

"Why did we fight this for so long, Mulder?"

"Shhh, I want you to listen."

"To what?"

"Me.  Making love to you."

He resumed the same maddening pace he'd started earlier.  A 
long slow slide in. 

"I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart.  I am 
never without it."

A long slow slide out.

"Anywhere I go, you go my dear.  And whatever is done by 
only me is your doing my darling."

He took hold of her hand and slowly kissed every finger 
tip, then did the same to the other.  He never broke his 
rhythm.

"I fear no fate for you are my fate, my sweet.  I want no 
world, for beautiful you are my world, my true."

"Mulder."

"Shhh.  And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you.  

"But Mulder..."

He placed a finger over her lips.

"And Scully, here is the deepest secret nobody knows."  

She closed her eyes, trying to hold on.

"Here is the root of the root, and the bud of the bud, and 
the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows 
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide."

Her breath quickened.  Her muscles quenched.

"And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.  I 
carry your heart.  I carry it in my heart."

She came undone.

"Scully."  He kissed her eyelids and the tip of her nose.  
"Hey.  Beautiful.  Open your eyes."

"M'kay."  

"Scully."

"Yeah.  Give me a second."  

Her eyelids fluttered open.  "Hi."

"Hi."

He scooted off her and they were once again lying on their 
sides facing each other.  She tucked her hands up under her 
head and he slung his arm over her waist and began to 
caress her back.

"That was really beautiful, Mulder."

"The poem or the sex?"

"There was a poem?"  She batted her eyes coquettishly.  

"Look at that.  A man tells a woman she's the root of his 
universe and it doesn't even make an impact."

"Oh, believe me, Mulder, you made an impact."

"Have I convinced you to stay?" 

"You've convinced me to move in.  I'm only leaving this bed 
to run to the bathroom or the kitchen.  Our world just 
became very small, Mister."

"Very good.  I'll call Skinner and let him know Monday's 
9:00am meeting has been moved to my bedroom.  Clothes optional, 
of course."

She laughed out loud.

"God, that's got to be the most wonderful sound I've heard 
in a long, long time."

"I aim to please," and she laughed again to prove it.

"Just promise me one thing, Scully."

"What's that?"

"Next time you feel we've grown stagnant or you think I 
need a swift kick in the ass, do it in a less dramatic 
fashion.  I don't know that I could withstand another scene 
like that."

"I didn't know how else to tell you.  I was scared."

"Am I that scary?"

"Rejection is a very scary thing."

"You could have gone back to the basics."

"The basics?"

"Yeah, you could have tried, 'Mulder, I love you.  Do you 
love me?  Check YES or NO.'"

"Mulder?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"You didn't let me finish."

"Sorry."

"Mulder, I love you.  Do you love me?  Check YES or No."

"Yes, Scully.  It always has been yes."

End.

Notes:
Thanks go to Carol.  This story wouldn't be as pretty if 
not for her valuable input.  
Julie - I love ya, babe!  Thanks for the look-see and words of 
encouragement.  

The poem Mulder quotes is:
i carry your heart with me
          -e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in 
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere 
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done 
by only me is your doing,my darling) 
i fear 
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want 
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) 
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you 
 
here is the deepest secret nobody knows 
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud 
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows 
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) 
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart 
 
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)